Come near me with that umbrella again and I"ll shove it up your arse

Archive for the category “1BEM”

Covering All Options

Is *anyone* really surprised at the news over the weekend that it’s “fairly likely” that allegations of paedophilia by famous people in the 70s and 80s were hidden and denied by politicians? I know I’m not surprised at all.

What did amuse me (or made me despair, I’m not quite certain which) was the quote explaining how documents had gone astray…

The Home Office’s 2013 review found 527 potentially relevant files which it had kept, but a further 114 were missing, destroyed or “not found”.

Well, “Missing, destroyed or ‘not found’” pretty much covers every eventuality, doesn’t it?

Getting Out

This current role was a very bad decision – not just the workplace, but some of the people. Indeed, one of those who interviewed me has since spoken to one of my friends at a techie social event – after I’d left – about my progress and how I’m doing, and whether I’ll leave. In front of other colleagues from the same workplace.

He hasn’t spoken to me about these concerns at all.

I get that he was probably somewhat the worse for wear. There’s usually an excuse somewhere along the line. It doesn’t stop it from having been a totally cuntish thing to do, and it doesn’t stop me from wanting to punch him in the throat.

It’s a good sign that this particular workplace is about as toxic a place as it’s possible to be. They bleat on about being passionate about what you do, and about behaving with integrity, but they don’t do it themselves.

So it’s time to move on. Again.

I’m annoyed with myself, that my quality control has been so flawed. I had my reservations, and this current workplace has lived down to them. That wasn’t a foregone conclusion though – I tried to come in with an open mind, that the interview and paperwork process might’ve been an exception rather than the accepted route. Being stabbed in the back by a colleague is a pretty new experience for me, and not one I intend to repeat any time soon.

Thankfully it’s only been three weeks. This workplace will never show up on my CV, it’ll never be called for a reference. And that’s good, because I don’t want to be associated with this bunch of cunts in any way at all.

Onwards and upwards, my friends. Onwards and upwards.

Bad Decisions

For some reason, my quality control this year on the jobs I’ve taken on has been very flawed.

Admittedly, with the current one I had my reservations from before I started – but what I’d been told about the product itself was sufficiently of interest to make me still want to work there for a while. Mind you, I hadn’t actually seen the product at that point – and it turns out that it’s not a fun product, and isn’t actually doing what I thought it was (or what was described to me pre-start)

Before that was the Cambridge contract, which was dire – but at least I stuck it out for the three month duration. Very much Not My Thing.

The previous bad one (also in Cambridge) was actually last year now, so I suppose it could’ve been worse, and at least I’ve been doing some fun stuff in between.

Usually it’s the case that the really bad ones lead to me looking around and being available for something really cool, so I’m vaguely optimistic about whatever’s coming next.

I just hope that’s the case this time. I’ve had enough of soul-destroying roles for the moment…


The current place has just launched a new product for their customers. They’re proud of it, and they’re flogging it now.

It’s been called “Alternative Reporting System for Executive Decisions”.

No-one – not one of ‘em, not marketing, not the board, no-one – has realised what the acronym for this product is. And they’re launching it.

I could tell them. I can’t be arsed.

[I so wish I was making this up. But I'm not]

Minimum Viable Product

One of the buzzwords in the current (but please God, not much longer) workplace is “Minimum Viable Product“. It basically means “The customer gets what they’ve asked for, and nothing more”.  In other words, “Yeah, fuck it, that’ll do”.

It’s a good concept when a business is starting, when you’re writing the first versions, where it’s a product idea and you don’t know if it’ll work, and/or what’s going to be the popular or desired features. So you write the minimum to launch it, make things work without bells and whistles, and find out what people want. It stops you from diving down the wrong path (and yes, mixed metaphors, live with it) and wasting time that’s valuable, that could be better spent on creating the things people do want.

It’s great for a startup, for a new product.

It’s NOT great in any other eventuality, and particularly not for an established product with customers paying shedloads. It leads to inconsistencies, weird functionality, and general oddities. Buttons disappear, sections are different, and it’s all a bit amateur.  And that’s exactly what we’ve got.

But can you persuade them? Nope. It’s the buzzword, it’s How Things Must Be.

Which just isn’t healthy.

The Devil in the Details – Lloyds

Following on from yesterday’s post about Nissan’s dodgy advertising, maths and small-print, the other ad currently incurring my ire is from Lloyds Bank, advertising their new “Club Lloyds” current account.

Now, while I think that clubbing Lloyds would be a fantastic idea, that isn’t the thing with this new account.  Here’s the ad…

And again, here’s that small-print, while they’re bleating on about how great it is to have an account paying 4% interest…

Pay two separate monthly Direct Debits to earn variable tiered monthly interest. 4.0% AER (3.93% Gross) on balances between £4,000 and £5,000. Lower rates apply for lower tiers

So yep – that 4% interest ONLY applies if you keep more than £4,000 in your current account – but below £5,000. And if we look at that Club Lloyds webpage, what do we find? (I’m going to paraphrase, but you can look for yourself)

  • Balances from £1 – £1,999.99 – 1% interest
  • £2,000 to £3,999.99 – 2% interest
  • £4,000 to £5,000 – 4% interest (and note how that band is half the size of the other two)

And right at the bottom of the explanation?

We don’t pay interest on amounts over £5,000.

Yep – no interest at all if you’ve got over the £5,000 in there.

Fuck you, Lloyds.

The Devil in the Details – Nissan

As regular readers will know, I have a really bad habit of reading the small print. (I say ‘really bad’ although it’s not – anyone who doesn’t deserves everything they get. It’s just ‘really bad’ from the advertiser’s perspective)  There’s two ads doing the rounds at the moment that annoy me, so you know what? You get two posts out of it.  Lucky you.

The first (which arrived in my inbox just now, and motivated me to write it) was for a leasing arrangement on a new car – a Nissan Leaf, if anyone cares.

The deal offered is this :

The 100% electric New Nissan LEAF Visia Flex FROM ONLY £199 A MONTH*

OK, so they mention that “Advance Rental Contribution” (which is a deposit, surely?) right at the start, and already it’s skewing the figures. But then we get to the bottom, and the small print…

Finance is available subject to status on eligible new vehicles registered between 01/04/14 and 30/06/14 in the UK to persons aged 18 or over. Rental stated is for Nissan lease. Advance rental of £5,750 (includes £3,250 Advance Rental Contribution) followed by 48 monthly rentals of £199 a month and final rental of £6,201.

Hang on – £5,750 upfront? That’s another £2,500, on top of the “Advance Rental Contribution” – where has it come from, and what’s it for? Even if you take out the first month’s £199, that’s still £2,300 unexplained.  Fucking hell.

All told – with all those amounts listed, that comes to £21,503. For a poxy Nissan Leaf.

But then it gets better…  (Sorry, “better”)

Once you have paid the final rental you can keep using the car by paying an annual rental of £50 + VAT; if you choose Nissan lease then you will never own the car.

As well as entering in to a lease agreement for the vehicle, you will need to enter in to a separate lease agreement for the battery. Monthly price shown includes the on-going monthly battery lease charge of £70.

Now they’re just taking the piss, surely ? So even when you’ve stumped up your £21,503 – sorry, £21,563 including that little final ‘annual rental’ charge, then you will *still* be paying £70 a month for the fucking batteries?

Up yours, Nissan.

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