The Lemming Advice Centre

Archive for the category “Cynicism”

PIDU – Lift Control

[PIDU = People I Don’t Understand]

There are many, many types of people I don’t understand – or at least whose thought processes are beyond me. That’s the theme of the PIDU posts (as mentioned here, although I’ll probably repeat this a few times) and may also become a bit of a throwback to the rants of yore.

This one’s a bit more niche – I work in a tall building, which has lifts (elevators, whatever you prefer) and it gobsmacks me on a regular basis how many people seem incapable of operating it with any form of common sense.

Primarily, this relates to people waiting on whatever floor for the lift. The lift lobby on each floor (well, except for the ground and top floors, obviously) has two call buttons – one to go up, one to go down. And, despite lifts having been in existence for more than 150 years, so many people seem to think it’ll work to hit both call buttons, rather than just the one in the direction they want to go in.

Of course this means that these fucking dipshits get in a lift going up, and expect it to be going down, as that’s the direction they actually want.  If they’d only hit the sodding down button, it would work better, rather than them either getting on and going up before going down, or stopping to let them on, realising it’s going in the ‘wrong’ direction, and then getting off again.

But really, how can people not know how these sodding call buttons work, and what they mean?

PIDU – ‘arfer Job

[PIDU = People I Don’t Understand]

There are many, many types of people I don’t understand – or at least whose thought processes are beyond me. That’s the theme of the PIDU posts (as mentioned here, although I’ll probably repeat this a few times) and may also become a bit of a throwback to the rants of yore.

Anyway, another one of the many things that are beyond me are the people who don’t follow through on their actions.  People who use the last of something, and don’t replace it. People who turns lights on when they enter a room (regardless of whether they need to) and then don’t turn them off when they leave. People who don’t clear up after themselves in staffrooms and the like. Basically, useless inept twatspanners with the memory-span of a goldfish.

I don’t understand what makes these simple processes so complex. (Although I am assuming that the majority of these people aren’t cognitively impaired, or suffering from brain injuries – not an unreasonable assumption, in a set of offices, for example) If you’ve used up a toilet roll, replace it – don’t just leave the fucking cardboard roll for the next person to find. If you’ve turned the light on in a room when you go in, and no-one else has entered after you, turn the cocking thing off again.  Is it really that difficult?

The sad thing is, if you start pulling these people up on their failings, they get defensive and insist it’s not their fault. Well if that’s the case, whose fault is it? No-one else is responsible for doing it, unless they’ve spent a whole lifetime with someone following behind them fixing everything that they can’t be bothered to do.

I know, personal responsibility is one of my own bugbears – I hate it when people don’t take responsibility for their actions, or follow through on their actions. It’s always someone else’s fault, someone else’s problem, and that’s a mindset I just don’t get.

A Week Of Wankers

Last week seemed to be purely populated by incompetents and clowns, sadly.  It meant I was dealing with cretins and “customer services” on about four fronts, which is… less than ideal.

My idiot bank has done an ‘update’ which means that payments done through the banking app aren’t going through. It works via the website, or via phone banking, but not through the app – neither the iOS or Android versions.  So I called them to explain, using the version numbers for the apps – and the in-app versions don’t even match up with the release versions. Genius.  The people I spoke to didn’t seem capable of even understanding the problem, and then when they did, told me there was a new version of the app that I needed to download.  Except… that version hasn’t actually been released and made available on the app-stores yet.  Genius².  So there’s a complaint in about that, where I was promised a callback within 48 hours. Seven days ago. Genius³

Following on from that, my shitbracket accountants continue to be the epitome of incompetence – failing to communicate on anything; breaking promises left, right and centre; failing to provide stuff within deadlines; needing to be nagged every inch of the way; the usual.  It’s a good job I’m not paying for the service at the moment (I’ve had an issue about their communications “skills” for the last 18 months, and their Operations Director promised I wouldn’t pay until that was sorted.  As they’re ongoing, and with no signs of improving, I’m still getting the service for free) although I’ve no idea what they’ll do instead as an apology when they get round to it.

Having made that complaint, including copying it to Directors, not one of them even bothered to acknowledge it. Which continues to confirm that they’re crap at communication.  Oh, and then they tried cancelling my account, then reinstated it, and fucked that up too.  Massively impressed, as I’m sure can be imagined.

On that one, I was promised a callback from the Operations Director (again) by the end of Monday. Still waiting.

There were a couple of others too, although to a much lesser degree. I’ve no idea where it’ll all end up (except with me getting apologies and some form of compensation) but it’s all good fun in the meantime.

Of course, it would be nice if these people just did the jobs they’re meant to, and did them without cocking it up, but there we go, that’s life.

I Don’t Understand

As part of the whole “write more here” ethos, I’m introducing a new occasional topic, which is quite simply “Things I Don’t Understand About People“.  Not the snappiest of titles, but it’ll do for now.

Of course, most of them can probably be explained away as “Because people are generally horrifically shit“, but I’ll try to do a bit better than that.

It may be a short-lived theme/topic, or it might be something that keeps me going for a while. There’s certainly a few bouncing around in my head already, so we’ll see how it goes.

Landlords And The Like

When I wrote last week about visits from my Landlord, it made me think a bit about bad landlords and the like.

I’ve rented houses for the great majority of my life since leaving home. Indeed the only real exception was the Norfolk place.  All told, I’ve probably rented places for twenty years. And in that time, I’ve not had any seriously bad experiences with landlords or letting agencies.

At the same time, I’ve got friends and connections who have had nothing but bad experiences, and there are umpteen ‘reality’ (or semi-documentary) programmes on TV about nightmare tenants, landlords etc.

I really can’t decide whether I’ve been incredibly lucky, or that they’ve been incredibly unlucky. The other option (and the one I’m more likely to lean towards) is that a lot of it comes down to the people involved.  I get twitchy when anyone always has issues with others, and it’s always ‘their’ fault.

For example, I had a manager years ago who bragged about how he’d got through 30-odd deputies in three years, making out that none of them were good enough or up to his standards. That’s where I started really considering the whole “common factors” thing – if thirty people aren’t good enough for him, I’m guessing that the problem isn’t with the thirty.

I feel the same with those people’s landlord issues – there’s a commonality to the stories, to the complaints, and it all got to be a bit “Yeah, the problem is likely not the ten landlords”.  I could be wrong – I could just be hugely lucky, and the massive majority of landlords are dickheads. But that’s not been my experience.

The same “common factor” could apply on the positive side as well – I try to not be a fuckknuckle (and I’m usually fairly successful) which might mean I just don’t trigger shit reactions from landlords. I don’t know.

Regardless, I hope I continue to be lucky in having decent landlords.


Over the last couple of days, there’s been some coverage about an American scientist (which seems to be a pretty endangered species in the Age Of Trump) claiming that fitness trackers and pedometers are pretty arbitrary, and not necessarily the best way to go.

Which, I think it’s fair to say, we can file under “Sherlock, Shit, No”.

Of course that 10,000 steps a day advice is arbitrary. Even the figure tells you it’s arbitrary – those nice round numbers for ‘ideals’ simply don’t occur that often in reality.

Hager claimed the 10,000 steps target dated back to a 1960s Japanese study that showed there were health benefits for men who burned at least 2,000 calories per week through exercise – roughly equivalent to 10,000 steps each day. An early pedometer was known as the manpo-kei, which means “10,000-step meter” in Japanese.

Really, if anyone is taking anything from these devices as gospel truth, they’re a fucking moron. At best, these devices are indicators.

The heartrate monitor is well known to not be accurate – but so long as it’s fairly consistent per user/wearer, it’s a decent-enough indicator of where you stand.  And if it suddenly dropped to reporting 10bpm (or 200bpm) then anyone vaguely sensible would take themselves to a GP for a proper check.

The same’s true for the sleep monitor (which I do use).  It’s not gospel truth. But it’s a decent-enough indicator of awake vs. disturbed ‘sleep vs. actual REM sleep. Do I believe it innately? Hell no. But does it consistently show me my bad nights vs. less-bad ones? (I’m yet to have a good night’s sleep) Yes.

And if you can’t rely on those indicators, why would you rely on the step monitor? Simple, you wouldn’t. Can you game it and mess figures simply by swinging your arms more? Yep. But what’s the point of doing that, unless all you’re interested in is attaining that arbitrary [x],000 steps in a day?  The only benefit in that is you, and you’re just cheating yourself.

However, it does make for a useful indicator, and a reminder to actually move more. I can understand (kinda) why people make these things into targets, but really all that’s important is being more active. And that’s what counts.


And here we are, once again, on February 14th, Valentine’s Day – one of the most pointless ‘special occasions’ known to man.

In a break with tradition, I’m being good this year.  The last few years, I’ve been an absolute dickhead, but not this year.

What I have been doing is booking a table for two at a restaurant for the evening of Feb 14th, and then going on my own.  It really messes with people, to be there, looking sad and abandoned on Valentine’s Day.

If I’m in a particularly cruel mood, I’ve also taken along a ring-box, putting it on the table.  That really gets to people.


This year though, I’m not doing it.  Instead, I’m off to see John Wick 2. Which will be mental, ridiculous, and hugely entertaining.

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