While I don’t look like I’ll be anywhere near completing the Script Frenzy project of 100 pages of script in April, I have at least started off an idea.

I’m not going to go into too much detail on it here, but even being able to have started it is (in some ways at least) more than I actually expected to happen.

I don’t know whether it’s related to the taking of the anti-depressants – I don’t think it has as they’re not really supposed to have built up to a usable/viable level til somewhere in the middle of next week – but equally they may have worked faster, or it may be a psychosomatic thingummywhatsit. Whatever though, I actually did sit down and write the first couple of pages.

It’s a start.

I do plan to continue with it, even once the Script Frenzy thing has closed up shop for another year. What I wanted was an excuse to start – no, not an excuse, a reason to start – writing something.  I don’t know yet whether I’ll complete it – the idea’s a good one, but it might fizzle out, I have to be honest. Still, we’ll see.

And I’d rather have something started than for it all to still be just in my head. So I’m measuring little successes along the way. And for now that’s enough, when combined with all the other stuff that’s going on.

A couple of weeks back I wrote about making an appointment to see the doctor about depression, lack of motivation, lack of drive etc. etc. I didn’t – and still don’t – want to ask for help, but I know that in my current state I have/had to.

Yesterday was the day of the appointment. 7am and I’m at the doctors. That’s never going to be the start of a good day…

Anyway, I talked through some of the stuff with the GP – who’s extremely wet and wanky, but means well. Better than being completely useless I suppose. But you never really get the impression he could give much of a damn one way or t’other. I suppose that’s one of the risks of being a GP though.

And now I’ve got a prescription for Citalopram, an SSRI anti-depressant. I’m going to take them, and see how things go.

I’m not happy about being on these pills, but I’m at the point where I know that I need something to break the cycle/spiral I’ve got into. This is the first step in that process. Well technically it’s the third step, I suppose- the first one was acknowledging I’m in that cycle at all, and the second was doing something about it by going to the GP.

I don’t like the thought of being reliant on pills or medication – I’m crap at even taking painkillers unless I really need them.

Also I can’t help but wonder what I’ll be like on anti-depressants. I’ve been living with depression for such a long time now, I wonder what changes there’ll be if it’s not around.  It’ll be interesting to find out, anyway.

It won’t give up, it wants me dead
Goddamn this noise inside my head

© Nine Inch Nails, “The Becoming”, Downward Spiral album

That’s not quite where I am at the moment – but somehow it still seems to be the best lyric for describing things at the moment.

I’ve written before about my regular issues and history with depression, and the way I normally fight my way through it. Recently though, that’s not been the case. If I’m honest, the last three or four years have involved fighting, but only getting to an impasse, a holding action to keep ground, rather than a victory.

I’ve made lots of plans, and had the intention to do things. It’s just that I never seem to find the time or the final motivation to get them done.  I keep on trying, and I keep on failing – and at the moment there’s no good reason for Why. I just don’t get to it. That final bit, that final push, is missing, AWOL.

So I’m working on getting through it, but I’m also going to go a different route this time. I’ve a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks time, and I’m going to aim to get some anti-depressants. Not something I’m overly happy about, but I think it’s time for me to try them again.

I had a very negative experience with them many moons ago, so I have some really serious reservations about them. But if I can give them a go and they work, so be it. If not, it’s another avenue tried and I need to find other options. But at least I’ll be trying the avenues this time.

Now here’s something I don’t do often – respond in a proper piece to a comment on another piece.

In this case, in yesterday’s “Changing Plans” post, Andy commented…

I have to say, following your blog & Twitter, that your contracting seems like a monumental effort/nightmare/arsepain. There’s a lot to be said for a regular job, not least: a) a bit of security (so you’re not always worrying about what next week brings) and b) the luxury of a bit of time to think and plan your next big move (i.e. away from what you’re currently doing).

You don’t strike me as someone who’d be content/comfortable with a regular job, no matter how short term – but it seems to me like you’re in a cycle that you need/want to get out of as it’s causing you grief.

And I couldn’t agree more, to be honest. Maybe I do need to bite the bullet and look at a “proper job”. I don’t know. This year has been utter shit when it comes to contracts, and work in general. In fact I’d go so far as to say it’s been the worst work year I’ve had.

You’re right, there is a lot to be said for that “proper job”. I get that totally. It just doesn’t (for whatever reason) chime with me at all. I don’t know why – and I’ve looked into it a lot – but it just doesn’t. Maybe I’ve just never had a positive experience of that regular job, but maybe my mindset won’t let me have a positive experience of that regular job. Either way, I’ve never been happy in a regular job.

I’m not happy with what I’m currently doing. I’m good at it, but I’m no longer happy with it. However, I know I need to keep on doing it (whether as contracts or regular work) until I get things sorted for doing Something Else. That doesn’t help. Getting fucked over and treated like crap also doesn’t help. (Although in my experience that’s something that happens regardless of a job being proper or not)

This week, I also feel like crap anyway. I’ve picked up a cold from a friend (who will be receiving a snot-filled slap when I next see him) and honestly, I’d rather be at home.

The change of plans, when everything was ready and in place, has added to that, and knocked my confidence a bit too. That’s down to being a control-freak, and not liking it when I get stuffed over with nothing I can do about it.

I’ve got three or four ideas about what I want to do instead of this, which have been chatted about a few times with friends over the last couple of days. It’ll take time – unless I get incredibly lucky – to sort them out and decide what to do, as well as to implement the ideas, make the changes, and get those things off the ground.

It’ll take time – but the last week has illustrated pretty perfectly why I need to do it, and make the changes. And if nothing else, it should make for some more fun on D4D.

Currently, the change of plans for next week is being dealt with OK. As always, it involves sending out a spudload of CVs to available contracts, and seeing what floats back.

At the same time, the way I feel this week means I wouldn’t mind having a week at home, where I can get some outstanding stuff done. That wouldn’t be a bad thing at all.

So it’s a matter of seeing what comes up. In an ideal world, another contract will come in to take the place of the now-dead one, but it might be a week or two. We’ll see.

What this entire thing has done though is put me back in the frame of mind where actually I’m really tired of what I do. Again, I’ll see whether that feeling stays, but it could be that it’s time to look at moving on to some new field, something I actually want to do rather than “just” something I’m good at. (and that I usually enjoy doing)

Mind you, changing to something else I want to do will take time – I’ve a couple of ideas for it, it’s more about having the time (and the money to take the time) to get going on them.

I dunno – I know that while things are OK at the moment I’m also a tad depressed about the entire farce. I’m tired of it. So I’m going to take some time, think about where things want to go and/or need to go. We’ll see what happens.

Today I got a call from one of the agencies I’ve been dealing with, and all of a sudden everything changes.

The contract I was supposed to be starting on Monday has been cancelled. Apparently the directors of the company in question have decided that the project won’t go ahead, so they’ve pulled the budget for it.

And lo, no job for me.  All my paperwork had been signed, ID stuff sent and the like and now it’s all for fuck-all.

This is one of the things I hate about contracting over having a “proper” job – and that’s a pretty small list, believe me – that things like this can happen at the drop of a hat.  If it were a ‘proper’ job, the project decisions and budget would all have most likely been sorted well before it came round to getting someone to do the work. It’s something that seems to have been happening quite a bit this year, and it’s not something I’ve seen prior to this. Sure, I’ve had one contract come to an end before it was supposed to – and I’ve had plenty more extend well past when they were supposed to finish – but up ’til now I’ve not had to deal with ones that get cancelled before they start.

It leaves me at a bit of a loose end, as I’d already closed off the current contract to end on Friday so everything was ready for Monday’s start at the – now non-existent – new place.

So I’m back to square one. Sending out updated CVs, talking to agencies, going to interviews.

I won’t deny, it’s been a serious hit on me today – I’m not feeling great anyway, so this has just been kind of the last thing I needed. All told, it makes me want to chuck in the entire thing and head off to Pastures New (or at least Pastures Different) with a totally different job/career/work-life.

It won’t happen yet, no matter how much I want it to – but I think it’s something I need to start properly working towards.  (And I know, that’s not grammatical – I just can’t think of the grammatical way to put it)

In summary? Today’s bollocks. Next week ain’t looking good, either.