Take last year’s list, for example :

• Write more
• Take more photos
• Do more websites
• Get more business
• Pay stuff off
• Get off the antidepressants

Not much, really. Yet most of it didn’t quite happen. Work and life got in the way, and things just didn’t quite happen.

Mind you, I did get off the antidepressants, and I did take photos when I got the chance, so that’s not too bad. I also completed a fair few websites, and some other projects – just not for myself.

I think I’ll be keeping the same basic list for this year though.  It’s written with the best of intentions – but the knowledge that things change, including my motivation.  But I think the 2012 list will be (in no particular order) :

• Write more
• Photograph more
• Owe less
• Weigh less

And that’ll do, I think.

The GP said it’s apparently tendonitis (or tendinitis, for some reason) and prescribed some weapons-grade anti-inflammatories that have done cock-all.

So I’m due back at the GPs in a couple of weeks, once the anti-inflammatories are finished, and we’ll see what gets said this time.

In the meantime, it has periods of being “OK-ish”, but then there are others where anything at all hurts. And I can’t fucking wait ’til those periods are over and done with.

Additonally, the anti-depressants just didn’t seem to really work for me. There were still Bad Days on them, but there weren’t really any Good Days- things more levelled out to Just OK Days. (or Blah Days)   My motivation didn’t shoot up – indeed most of the time it seemed to be harder to be motivated, because well, what was the point? I wasn’t Depressed, but more Couldn’t Be Bothered.

So, I’ve come off completely them.  It’s not the method advised by GPs, but I don’t have the time, tolerance or inclination to do a “gradual withdrawal”. If the withdrawal side-effects were to become really bad (not that I expect them to) then I have a new box ready to be started. But I doubt it’ll be that bad.

Weirdly, the worst time (so far) for being off them seems to be early evening, when my head begins to feel a bit wooly, a bit floaty, not really all that level. It’s not debilitating or unpleasant – just a weird sensation.

I don’t miss the Citalopram.

I don’t know what’s next. I’m going to go back to wanting to do things, and then to trying to find ways to motivate myself to do them. So far that seems to be OK. I’m not perfect – thankfully I’ve never claimed to be – and I do have issues with motivation, or at least Getting Things Done.

I’ll still work on the motivation and so on – I’ve still got the ideas and plans, but need to bring them out into the world – but I don’t think it’s actually necessarily related to depression.

And when all’s said and done, I’d rather have the ups and downs of life, depression and whatever else, instead of the flat day-to-day numbness of Citalopram.

I’d picked up the cough at work before Christmas, where my manager had been coughing heavily. The three hours where he sat next to me coughing uncontrollably has obviously had a knock-on effect.

So my first week of 2011 now involves an inhaler, and a metric shit-ton of amoxicillin. Happy Days.

Pathetically, I went to bed at 8pm last night – although I did then read for an hour- which is unheard of.

I hate feeling like this, being so utterly effing useless and drained.

Obviously while not expecting much in the way of good news, I was also still hoping I hadn’t put too much on. I know the recent period has been pretty stressed, but still I know I’ve been pretty good on food too.

Anyway, weighed myself and came in at 134Kg. 21 stone 1 pound.

And I’m actually pretty damn pleased with that. It means that even with everything that’s been going on, and with not going to Slimming World or anything else, I’ve kept that weight the same for a year.

So yeah, I’m quite pleased with that. I do want to lose more when things settle down, but right now I’m happy to be just staying the same as before.

Thankfully the directors are OK about it – it’s wear and tear (and me being a weighty bastard) rather than that I’ve wilfully abused/broken the chair.

But because I know that at least some of the blame is due to being rather bulkier than most people, I had a look at the specs for some new office chairs as a replacement. And I know Argos isn’t exactly the centre of the office-furniture world, but it’s a useful reference point.

So looking through the chairs they’ve got listed, and all of them seem to have a ‘recommended max weight’ of 110kg – 17ish stone. You can see what I mean by looking at this one. And don’t just think it’s the cheap-ass ones – even this one for £150 has the same limitaton.

I know I’m not an average size – I’d need to lose four stone just to get down to that ‘max recommended weight’ – but equally I’m not massively obese. Fairly solid, I think it’s fair to say, but not supersized or owt. So why is it that chairs just aren’t available (in Argos, I know, I know) that are designed to support – or at least not fuck up and break – for someone my size?