This time last year, this was the list of what I wanted to do in 2009/10…

1. Mortgage renewal
2. Build up own business
3. Design/Launch some of the sites I’ve got ideas for (I know, that’s an ongoing thing – but different sites/ideas this time, as always)
4. Write more – I want to get at least one solid piece done. I failed in 2009, but it’s still a plan for 2010 instead.
5. Photograph more – again, I’ve got some ideas for big projects on this, I just need to get started on them.
6. Lose more weight – I want to lose at least another stone in the next year, and ideally more. But a stone will be the target for now.
7. Get to the gym more – something I’ve really slacked on this year
8. Do some business planning, and figure out (to some degree at least) what the fuck I want to do next with my life.
9. Get back in touch with (and visit) various friends I’ve been useless with for the last couple of years.

So, how did I do?

1. Yeah, didn’t do the renewal.
2. Still working on that, allbeit slowly
3. I did launch a couple of new sites over the year, but nowhere near as many as I wanted to. Mind you, I’ve also culled out a number of the ones that aren’t going to work out, too.
4. Certainly written more, along with submitting a couple of small pieces to competitions and the like.
5. Photography hasn’t been so successful. I haven’t had the inspiration or motivation as yet – there’s been a number of things I have done, but not what I was planning to do.
6. Lost weight – I’m down a stone on where I was, with the intention of losing more.
7. I didn’t get to the gym at all
8. I didn’t really do much in the way of business planning, although equally I’ve had enough to keep me going over the year.
9. I got in touch with friends, saw a few, and then went back to being crap.

All told, not a great year for achievement. Stuff’s been done – just not as much as I wanted to, and/or not in the sections I planned it to be.  All told, it’s a bit of a worry, with the culmination in a year’s time of that five year plan – but then, there’s been lots of change in that five years, if I look back to where I was when I started it. So I can live with that – there’s been progress, work and change, they just hasn’t taken me along the path/road I expected them to.

Roughly this time last month, life came to a bit of a crunch point.  I haven’t written much about it so far – and won’t write much more about it after this – but a number of things bubbled up at the same time, and I feel it’s worth adding in some thoughts with a bit of hindsight etc.  I’m not going to be going into the whys and wherefores of any of it.

Basically, I had a bit of a breakdown. Going home on the Thursday night plunged me into a huge dollop of depression, which isn’t exactly great at the best of times. I thought I could get over it, that it was a “bad day” thing, but the next day was actually worse, to the extent that I simply couldn’t face going home for the weekend. It was a real physical reaction, that I just couldn’t do it. So instead I went away for the weekend- went back to the house, sorted things there, got some clothes, and left again. I didn’t even wait for Herself to come home- I sent her a text message to let her know what I was doing.

I’m not proud of myself for that, not even slightly. It was completely unfair, unreasonable, and downright shitty. There are no excuses, no glossing over it – it was an utterly unutterably crappy thing to do to anyone, let alone a partner of five years, a friend of twenty years.

What it was, though, was a way to survive. If I’d stayed there for the weekend, I don’t honestly know what would’ve happened, or where I’d have ended up. Some people have called what I did cowardly – and fair enough, maybe it was. I can’t say I was honestly in my right mind. But at that point, where you physically and mentally can’t face going back somewhere, I don’t think “being in one’s right mind” is ever going to happen.

Again, I’m not proud of what I did. It had to happen, but I should’ve/could’ve done it one hell of a lot better.

So a lot’s changed since then, and I’m working on all the necessary changes. I don’t know how they’ll work out, I don’t know how any of it will work out. But I’m not going to put myself in that situation again if I can possibly help it.

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For once, I’ve got a situation where my memory is failing me. I wasn’t even aware of it ’til today, but now it’s driving me mad.

On Radio One this morning, Chris Moyles mentioned having been in Hanley, near Stoke-on-Trent. And I know I went for an interview there many moons ago. It’s just that I can’t remember the name of the place-  which is odd, because I normally can remember these stupid useless details.

I know it was some kind of jazz bar/restaurant, but that’s it. I can’t remember much about it – something about the location, but not much.

It’s really bugging me. What’s worse is that I know it shouldn’t annoy me – it was something for half a day, back in what must’ve been 1993/94. I shouldn’t really even recall that I’d been there, so little does it matter.

But up there in my head, for whatever reason, it does matter. I’ll figure it out, I’m sure.

Following on from yesterday’s post about Pink, Portman Stadium, and signs in general, some extra thoughts…

1) I can be a total arse. I know that’s not really news, but all the same, it’s worth re-iterating.

2) I fucking hate getting lost, being late etc.

3) If I’ve had a crap day, my tolerance for 2) is particularly low, leading to qualifying even more for 1)

Tuesday was, however I look at it, an exceedingly crap day. Stuff had come up at work that had affected me – nothing seriously traumatic of negative, it’d just been one of those days. In all fairness I really wasn’t in the mood for a late night – particularly with the knowledge of an early start in the morning. (For a number of reasons, last working day of the month is a big day in the current job, and requires coming in earlier than usual)

So the afternoon/evening didn’t start off all that well, and my mood wasn’t the best. Not being able to find the stadium just pissed me off a lot, and I didn’t do what I should’ve done, which was either

1. Stop and think a bit
2. Call someone else already there and find out how to get there
3. Use the iPhone to do the same as 2
4. Stop somewhere and ask someone.

I should have done one or more of those. Instead I got locked in to trying to find the place by driving along the A14.

Admittedly, I also didn’t expect the stadium to be in the town/city centre. All the other stadia (stadiums? I dunno) I know of are on the outskirts, not in the centre. Manchester, Norwich, Oxford, Crewe, Stockport – all on the outskirts. I also kind of expect there to be signs to say where the hell to go – after all, it’s not like a stadium is somewhere that no-one ever goes to.

But anyway, I did get pissed off, and went home. It wasn’t my smartest move, but it was the one I did.

No excuses for it at all, just sometimes an extra explanation is worthwhile.

Hey Ho.

Over the weekend, we went to see Bon Jovi at the O2. It’s their greatest hits tour for the “Circle” album, and they’re at the O2 for 12 nights all told. Now I have to say, I’m not a massive fan of Bon Jovi. Herself is, Brother-in-Law is, so we all went.

The gig itself was really impressive. Bon Jovi’s performance was pretty storming, deifnitely one of the better big gigs I’ve seen – even for someone who’s not a massive fan. I only recognised or knew about a third of the tracks performed, but still, that’s fine.

What was more impressive (for me, anyway) was the stage set, which really was impressive. Right from the start it let you know it meant business, with a massive high-res screen coming down to obscure the view while Bon Jovi came onstage, and which then split into individual columns to travel round the stage.

There were a number of other really stunning technical bits, including some epic lighting, and that same matrix screen also showing that the columns could also split out into individual screens.

But the piece de resistance is the five mobile 6′ x 9′ screens at the back of the stage. They’re made (yes, I researched!) by ABB robots, who say the following :

ABB robots, accompanying Bon Jovi’s “The Circle” tour will be the first set of industrial robots to be a part of a concert tour. The visual intrigue of the show will be enhanced by the five ABB robots positioned toward the back of the stage, each with a 6’ x 9’ LED video panel attached to their articulated arm. The robots and screens will move to the rhythm and beat of the music while displaying real time video footage of the show and digital animations. At various intervals the five robot arms move into a formation where the LED panels become one continuous, five panel screen. The robots will accompany
the nearly two-year long tour, which features over 60 concerts in North America and Europe.

These screens/robots are simply amazing – they’re all articulated in all three axes, and move individually, in time with the music, as well as at one point becoming a staircase. It’s an exceptional demonstration of what can be done now with stage sets if you’ve enough money and creativity.

Stage sets, lighting and effects have always been one of my real geek-out subjects, and that geek in me was totally appeased by the Bon Jovi stageset.

Seeing things like this gig is one of the things that makes me think about What Might Have Been. If I’d stayed in school (and gone on to college, university, whatever) then I’d have gone on to do one of two things : Stage Lighting/Sound/Sets, or working with the Great Apes.

Stage stuff would’ve fulfilled my geeky needs bigtime, and I’d hae loved to do it. Working with Great Apes would’ve fulfilled other parts of me, and I’d have been equally happy doing either. In fact if I were to win a lottery or something, I’d go back to do one of those things. (Most likely the work with Apes, in honesty)

I don’t regret the path I’ve taken, not for one minute. But every so often I do think of the different paths available, the roads not taken. Last night was one of those times.

The @Media conference has always had two sides – the conference itself, and the sociable side of things, getting to meet one’s peers, make connections and all that.

Unsurprisingly, it’s not the side that interests me the most. In fact if I’m honest it doesn’t interest me at all.

I don’t really know why, but conferences like @Media bring out more of the autistic anti-social in me than they should. I find I don’t particularly want/need to make connections with other developers in general and I’m not overly interested in being put together in social situations with a butt-load of people I don’t know. I’m OK with people I know (whether in person or on-line) and on that score I’m OK – which is why I did meet up with friends while in London, but didn’t bother with the social @Media guff at all.

So for me I could happily live without the social side of the conference. Maybe I should do more on that side, but well, I really can’t be chuffed.