And tonight's award for services to insomnia goes to : My neighbours. As they're not here tonight, I'm going to accept it on their behalf. And brain the fuckers with it next time they wake me up at 3, 4 and 5 a.m. I'd like to thank their creaking bed-springs, slamming doors, "low" voices, and the fact that she sounds like an epileptic squirrel when her orgasm approaches.

  Don't get me wrong, I don't begrudge them their sexlife. Yes, maybe it's one more suited to rutting teenagers, but who am I to complain? (OK, so I'm ranting, not complaining - it's a semantic point, but one I can live with, and that appeases what little conscience I have) It's the timing of it that gets to me. You can set your clock by them. Well, assuming you set your clock at 3 in the morning. Which I don't. But there we go - I'm sure some poor bastard does.

  It wouldn't be so bad if the gentle thudding of the headboard first of all didn't wake me up. I assume that if you looked from above, our beds would be in the exact same position - and so they get started, the headboard starts tapping on the wall, and Joe Lightsleeper here wakes up. Then their bedsprings get in on the act, adding a quick squeak creak to the tap tap of the headboard. After that, he starts talking to her - nice deep voice, so you can't hear the words, just the rumble like bass through a subwoofer at the cinema. Not so bad, except it's all in cadence with the rest of the noises. Then she starts. It's weird, never changes pace, never speeds up as she gets closer to any kind of conclusion - it makes me wonder if she's faking - he comes, she shuts the fuck up. Go figure.

  But when the combination of tap tap, squeak squeak and rumble rumble is juxtaposed by she of the epileptic squirrel faked orgasm, that's it, my eyeballs raise themselves towards the ceiling, and I just find myself praying. Praying for their roof to fall in, for their body-clocks to sort themselves out, for them to get into bondage so he can bloody well gag her, or alternatively for him to be a decent enough human being that she doesn't feel she has to fake it, or (and I'm sure I'm bizarre for considering this as a better option) to be a quality shag that actually makes her come, instead of faking it. With the latter option, at least there'd be some variety for the uneager listener on the other side of the wall to them - a syncopation and riff to the rhythmic bass line of bedsprings and headboard. It's just got to be better than the dull metronomic noises they make at the moment.

  It's not the noises that get to me, though. Well, OK, it's not the noises that get to me THE MOST. It's the timing. I've been lucky if I've got to sleep before 2.30 to 3 in the morning at the moment - so I'm just getting to sleep, it gets to 3am, and they start. I mean, FOR GOD'S SAKE! - why 3 in the morning for a shag? Where's the logic? Lucky them, maybe it's the time they're both awake, and the body-clocks have synchronised for a 3am shag - but jesus fucking christ it's a pain in the arse for the neighbours. Hmm - there's a thought - maybe I could suggest they try anal instead, so she can bite the pillow and drown out her own noises. Or of course, they could try.... Climatique

  Somehow, I can't quite see the Noise Abatement Society getting involved in this one, and it's not noisy enough to piss and moan to the local council - besides, what am I going to say? "My neighbours are boring fucks (literally) - can't you teach them a better way to do things?" - I can't see that option working, no matter how optimistic I try to be. Of course, it might just give the council office some comedy value - no day is wasted. Maybe I should just buy them "better orgasms for women" or somesuch, see if that helps. Maybe I should take a leaf out of their book, and start banging on the wall too - although (I suspect) not in quite the same way that they do it. Perhaps that might embarrass them into shutting the fuck up, or at least trying to shag in different rooms. Because it's only ever the bedroom they do it in, and only ever at some fucking ungodly hour of the night. They need to bring some variety into their lives. I'll have a look at Amazon, see what I can find to send them. Then again, I still think battering them with the insomnia award seems like a plan - and infinitely preferable in the long run.

  Of course, in prison the sound of shagging probably doesn't come through the wall, but from the bunk underneath/above yours... And if you're really unlucky/lucky (which depends on your perspective on these things, I suppose) then you can be getting the sounds of shagging from within your own bed. Of course, at least (assuming you're a willing partner) you're then assisting in making those noises. But all the same, personally, I'd rather not get involved in touching base with Big Willie the Psychopathic Penis Mutilator of Preston (or whoever).

  Maybe it's not worth battering them after all...