There's one thought that always seems to occur to me whenever I use public transport over any form of "Long distance" (and in deference to Americans etc. who think nothing of 500 miles, I'm referring to probably 80+ miles) and particularly on trains is this "How can some people smell SO bad?"

  Every time I travel (and sometimes I'm even referring to short-distance travel that just feels like forever) I seem to end up sat near/opposite some person who seems to believe that deodourant is something that happens to other people. And every time it happens, I wonder how they live with themselves - and whether anyone else can do so either.

  Now, I'm not talking about the "Oh piss, I've just realised I forgot to put on deodourant this morning" kind of days. I'm sure we all have them sometimes. Not often, because one occurrence seems to act as a serious reminder for about the next decade. But they happen. However, in that case you can normally tell that it's unintentional - a cockup in the way of things. And the people who've had it happen recently normally seem to end up carrying a backup can/stick/whatever in their bags, just to make sure.

  No, what I'm referring to is BO so bad it paralyses the olfactory nerve, bypasses the sense of smell, and runs directly for the upchuck reflex. Not so much "forgot to put it on today" as "haven't bothered for a month". A smell that hits you like a brick thrown in a riot. Where you step onto a bus, or know that a smelly person is arriving simply because of their aura. And it's worse on a warm day - God forbid it's a hot one.

  But surely if everyone else within a 500metre radius can smell these obnoxious bastards, they must be able to smell themselves? Again, yes, I know there are people who actually can't smell anything, whose sense of smell is non-existent. But that can't be the excuse for all these people, can it? So what is it? Do they wake up, get ready, check their armpits etc. before going out and think "Fuck I smell GORGEOUS today. What a sexy fucker I am"? If that's the case, then I shudder just to think of it.

   As it is, it's 8.30, I'm going to be sat on this train for at least the next 2.5 hours, and three seats up the carriage from me is a man who smells so horrific, it's unfeasible, And that's from 3 seat ranks away. Maybe he's trying to establish a comfort zone, so people won't sit too close to him, or something. God knows, I'm tempted to move. It's either that or drag the can of Lynx out of bag, and perform a walk-by destinking. I doubt I could manage to do that one subtly, but it's either that or brain the smelly bastard with the can, then chuck him out the door of the train when I get a chance. But that means I'd have to get close enough to pick him up in order to chuck him out. And shucks, silly me, I forgot to bung any rubber gloves or industrial size tongs in my bag, so that pretty much counts out that option. If I were planning a crime while I'm away, I'd probably risk it and pick him up, because a smell like that can probably dissolve fingerprints no worries.

  Now, how can someone who smells that bad not realise they smell that bad? Even with no sense of smell, surely you'd pick up on the recoiling expressions of horror from colleagues, fellow passengers, the poor fucking ticket inspector who has to actually talk to the stinking shite - wouldn't that provide some form of vague clue? I'd have thought so, but I'm beginning to realise that maybe I'm more optimistic about people than I perhaps should be. Still, it makes life more interesting, and a lot more fun.

  Anyway, I'm stuck on this train for another two hours, so I'm going to concentrate on breathing shallowly and not expending too much effort until either I get to get off the train, or stenchboy leaves/gets kicked off the bloody thing.