There's a thing that men do - (I don't know if women do it - I kind of hope not, for some weird "men are viler than women" aspect that I hadn't even realised existed within me until recently) and I completely fail to understand it. Actually, I assume from some comments that some women do it too, but I still hope that's a minority thing. God, I must be getting old - but that's a tangent to explore another day.

   Anyway - what I want to know is why men seem to have a habit of leaving unflushed turds in toilets. I've never understood it - the sheer vileness of walking into a cubicle and finding this suburban crocodile wallowing in it's own pool really does take some beating. OK, yes, I've seen some things that do beat it - but not on a regular basis.

   And yes, I do seem to witness this phenomenon all too regularly. Not daily, thank God, but probably at least once a week, definitely once a fortnight, I'll be fortunate enough to discover a cubicle that's previously been occupied by the Phantom Log Leaver. (And no, I don't mean a Leaver of Phantom Logs - they might have their own spirit, but they're definitely not Phantom Logs, mores the pity) But I fail to see the appeal of it - if it's a gross-out thing then there's no point, because the perpetrator doesn't even get to see the face of the "victim". Unless there are souls far weaker than I, who come out of the cubicle ghost-white, staggering gently from side to side, an expression of shock and "did that all come from one person?" on their faces, so that the perpetrator can sit at his desk with a smug smile creasing his own visage, allowing him to think "Ha, that's another one on the scoresheet. My turds are like a shield of steel". I don't know - I've never seen anyone having that reaction, but then again I don't pay huge amounts of attention to people leaving the toilet area. Actually, I've only ever seen that expression of awe, shock and horror on the face of one person leaving a cubicle, but that's another totally different story, and one far in excess of the 12 (or even 15) certificate I generally aim for here.All I'll say is that the person had just been on the receiving end of a well-known tranny with some famed skills. I'll leave that thought right there,I think.

   Other than being of gross-out appeal (which despite the paragraph above, still seems unlikely), the entire set of probabilities comes down to two things, really - laziness or pride. Laziness is slightly (very, very slightly) understandable, in that something the size of some of these monsters must be pretty close to unflushable (if that's a word), so I can see that there's perhaps a point where the producer thinks "chuff that for a game", and simply walks away - unprepared to fight against it armed with anything less than thermite (and in these cases I assume a bog-brush isn't really part of the UN approved weapons list) and/or a circular saw.

   But Pride is a whole different ball-game. It conjures up images of the creator of this masterpiece feeling a healthy glow of elation, wanting to hold up a sign reading "All my own work" or "Look what I did!". Maybe it's that unrequited urge to be on a gameshow - although I think the appeal of "Name that Turd" ("I'll name that turd in 3") might be short-lived, I can almost see the appeal of "Blind Shite" (where the contestant has to match a log to it's creator in order to win a naff holiday somewhere) late on a Saturday night - maybe I should suggest it to Channel 5. I'm sure there's a joke in there about "there's enough crap on TV already", but I can't be arsed to make it. Maybe there could even be a show about "Top of the Plops", where viewers vote on the week's best anal offerings, as submitted by the general public. Equip each weeks contestants with a cheap digital camera then get them to come back the following week to see who's produced the most impressive/repellent log. The only condition? That they have to flush the buggers afterwards, rather than leaving them for some poor unsuspecting muppet to wander in on half an hour later.

   Actually, that's the only real problem I can see with the concept (other than just being utterly vile - but that's never stopped people before - I refer the disbeliever to Don't Forget your Toothbrush, anything involving Jeremy Beadle, You've been framed, and Blind Date) - the fact it'll encourage people to produce more of these flaming things, and be produer of them.

   It'll just end up with the entire world being like Rate my Poo. (Which I have to admit I was pointed to by a female friend, who found it hilarious. )