Yes, 2003 is finally here. For me, it started not with a bang (in either context), nor even a whimper, just more of a *shrug* and "Some things never change." I'm not a huge fan of New Year's Eve, and all the bullshit that goes with it, but more than anything else, the reason I dislike it as much as I do is because it simply seems like a time that reinforces solitude, that always beats down the optimism I try to bring into a new year.

  More surprisingly (for me, anyway) is that no matter how many times I've been shat on (metaphorically, I hasten to add) at New Year, still experience doesn't overcome optimism, the hope that maybe this one will be different. Of course, that inevitably fails to be the case, and as well as feeling let down, I feel more of a knob for expecting it to be any different. Every year I lose a bit more hope, and I wonder if it's something there is a finite amount of, or whether I accrue little bits of hope throughout the year, just to have some kind of spending spree of fate and optimism on December 31st. Either way, it's not a thought process I like, but it's almost like that's my way of signifying to myself that yes, it's another new year, and yes, it's starting in exactly the same way as pretty much every other one has.

  I wish it weren't this way - it's not like I simply sit back and assume it'll turn to rat-shit. Nor is it that I make the same mistakes every year. Well, except for one mistake of course - that of wanting to spend it with other people rather than on my own. Maybe I should just do it differently at the end of this year, expect absolutely keff-all from anyone, spend it on my own regardless, and build from there. Oh, and ignore the slightly rank odour of despair and of giving in to pessimism.

  But as it is, for me, the start of every year is another reminder of being on my own. I don't mean just single, although in some ways that's part of it. However, being on my own is something that doesn't actually bother me for the massive majority of the time. But the fact that I can't even rely on the people I'd like to have around me at the start of a new year, the fact that it's seen as OK to let me down at the last minute, that's always there. It even comes down to the simple level, the wishes of "Happy New Year" and similar sentiments. It's OK to not bother sending me ones til the next day, 'til we're already well into the 1st January. Maybe I'm overly sensitive on that one, because it's still a wish that's sent on the correct date, but I don't know, sometimes it still hurts.

  So the New Year comes in, and I seem to normally spend it on my own, and deep in thought about what it means to me. Part of it is also wondering what I mean to other people - and knowing that I come in on the low end of any estimate in that particular survey.

  I don't want to sound like I'm feeling self-pitying, because in all honesty I'm not being. I suppose the fairest word for it is just realistic, or maybe introspective. I'm sure that I just expect too much from people, to want to be held in the same level of regard as I hold them. Yup, that sounds selfish to me. Maybe I am, I don't know any more.

  At the end of the day, all I do really know about this now is simply that I've had enough of it. I'm not sure exactly what I'll be doing next December 31st, but I'm pretty sure I won't be wanting to try socialising with people. Well, not with people I've thought of as friends, anyway.

  I'm not sure of how things will work out, but I'm looking into volunteering for one of the counselling organisations, possibly even going back to volunteering with the Samaritans. I think that maybe it'l be good for me as well as anyone who calls in, and to be available for working on both Christmas Day and New Years Eve, that might at least mean I can be of some use. I don't know how successful I'll be in this idea - I'm going to do it, and see how it goes with the training and so on, which I'm sure will make it's way through into the blog and so on.

  And that way at least I won't have to think about the people who have let me down again as I see in 2004. It's still really a skeleton idea for now, and things may change radically in 2004 - hell, it's still possible (at least by the laws of chance and chaos, if not reality) that I could have a child before 2004 rears it's ugly head. However, it's rather more likely that we'll communicate with intelligent life from another planet AND see George Bush take an IQ test than it is for me to be a parent by the end of the year. (Isn't optimism a wonderful thing?)

  But it'll still definitely be better than sitting waiting for a New years Eve with friends...