So, we finally come to the end of 2002, or "the pig" as I've not-so-affectionately renamed it. In many ways it really hasn't been a good year, and it's seen more than it's fair share of grief and bollocks along the way. It's hard to list some of the ups and downs, some are still pretty raw and not for public consumption, and various other parts are still being worked on, the jury is still out, and as yet it's still unknown whether they'll come out on the debit or credit sides of the ledger.

  Personally, one of the big successes of this year has been this site, and it's one I'm still really pleased with. Among other things, it's been a fun project, seeing how the site has grown and developed from a rough idea into the entity it is now, and having vague ideas of where it's going over the next 12 months too. In many ways, just it's presence is a vindication, a proof both to myself and others that I can see a project through to completion, or if not completion then to it being real, rather than an idea I'll take so far and then abandon, have a new idea and want to do that instead. I've always known it's problem I've had, but d4d has proved that I can do it, and that's been something I needed. It's fuelling the next phase of ideas, showing me that I can do what I intend to, and bring it through from start to finish.

  In honesty, I suspect that 2002 has been a year that's been more about laying out groundwork and plans for the next few years, even if I haven't realised it at the time. I've found out a lot more about myself - not all of it good, or even nice to know, but all the same, learning these things has had value for the future, and hopefully will help me to not make the same mistakes over again.

  As well as bringing me into contact with new people, I've also lost a few friends of long standing. Well - not lost as in "died", just lost contact with them, or they've moved or whatever. As yet I don't know if this is something to regret or not - to my mind friendship is a two way thing, and while I acknowledge I've been abysmally crap in staying in touch with some people, it's not been just me that hasn't stayed in touch, which makes it somewhat of a joint decision. Maybe that's a cop-out, a failure to take responsibility - I don't know, and for once I'm not going to spend half my time worrying about whether things could be different - I'm simply going to accpet events as they are.

  And that sentence there is probably one of the biggest things to happen this year. Anyone who doesn't really know me all that well will simply say "Yeah, and?", but those who do know me are probably in need of a good slap, or a hot sweet tea to bring them out of shock. There's been the starts of a major change in attitude, towards accepting how things are, instead of trying to change them, or work out why they're the way they are. And again, I can't see that as anything but a good thing really. Learning that I'm not responsible for everything, that sometimes it's OK to expect other people to do things, that's a pretty huge sea change for me.

  Emotionally, it's been expensive - I've lost a lot of the trust I had, to the extent of being fairly sure now that I'm designed to be single, that I'm not the relationship type, and that is probably the best way for me to be. Not a pleasant realisation (more of a confirmation than a realisation, if I'm honest, but all the same) to be faced with, but definitely one that's been representative of 2002 in all it's glory. What the future holds on that score, Christ only knows (and frankly I'm not sure even he's completely sure) but I'm not going to hold my breath, instead I'm just going to go back to forging my own way. Which is probably another sign that I'm too independent by far, but hey ho, that's the way life goes sometimes.

  It's not been an easy year - far from it, in fact. I've been hurt to within an inch of my life, and it's cost me a lot to get through it - but I'm still here. I've had some of the vilest depressions in recent memory, ones where I've been convinced that "the light at the end of the tunnel" was actually a goods train coming the other way, and yet I'm still here, and I actually feel pretty positive about the forthcoming time period. In fact, I'd say that despite everything - or even perhaps because of everything - that's happened, I feel more positive about 2003 and whatever follows it than I have at the start of a new year for quite a while now.