Recently, I've found that a lot of things have been making me think about standards. Not just the now infamous redesign here, where the CSS "standard" is happily abused by different browsers and so on, and where writing completely browser-compliant code vs. CSS standards is like comparing Peter and Jane books to works by Neal Stephenson (or whichever author takes your fancy), but also with people, organisations, institutions, and many other things.

  I'm sure I'm probably unreasonable in this, or maybe just naïve, but I still kind of expect things to happen in the way people promise they will. It doesn't seem like much of a challenge, to be able to produce the result you've promised, in the agreed timescale. Obviously this is completely unrealistic, and I'm a complete off-worlder for even thinking that such a thing might one day happen.

  I suppose there are just too many things where I would only expect anyone to do anything for me that I would do for them. It's obviously unreasonable to expect someone to do more for you than you do for them - but to work on parallel standards seems fair, doesn't it? But of course even that's an unreasonable expectation, or so it appears.

  In some ways yes, I do go out of my way to help out friends, or colleagues, or whoever's in need of it really. I dont go that far out of my way, but it's something I think is a good thing to do - and in fact it would be nice if more people did so. Donkey's years ago, I'd had an accident on my bike, and was walking home. A complete stranger pulled up in his car, and helped me fix the problem. (I know this probably sounds incredibly dodgy, but that's equally probably just my vile mind) When he'd finished, he refused all forms of thanks and payment, saying instead "No, but next time you see someone in need of help, help them. That'll be all the repayment that's necessary". And I've stuck to that ethos since. There are other reasons for why I'm the way I am too - some that people know, some that they don't. That's the way these things go.

  Really, I think it's the double standards in personal relationships that annoy or hurt me the most. I've heard too many times the lines about "You've been there to help me out, I'll be there when you need it" - and frankly, it normally turns out to be bollocks. Maybe I am too independent, don't ask for help often, and prefer to just deal with whatever's happened by myself - but to me, if I know someone who doesn't normally ask is asking, then it's got to be pretty damn serious. But most people don't seem to see it that way - instead it's "Oh, he doesn't normally need help, so even though he's asking for it at the moment, he'll be able to sort it out himself", which kind of misses the point.

  I don't know - maybe I'm just in the mood for a piss-and-moan session today - it suits my mood, that's for sure. I'm tired, more tired than I should be, and really just feeling drained by a lot of things all at once. I wish I could find a way to let it all go, to let myself be shallow and uncaring, to not be concerned by the problems and concerns of my friends. When there's so much going on at once, I almost wish I didn't care. Unfortunately, it's not an attitude I can work with at all - but that doesn't stop me from occasionally wondering how much easier life would be if I could freeze off that part of my head/heart. And on a more selfish basis, I wish I had someone I could rely on in the same way that my friends rely on me to be there for them, wish I had someone I could just lean on. Hell, I even wish I could admit that I needed to lean on someone every so often. But no, the way I've been just makes people assume I'm fine, that I'll get through whatever's being thrown in my direction.

  And the most frustrating part of it is : they're right. Regardless of what happens, yeah, I'll survive, I'll get through, and I'll keep on going. For now I feel drained, but that's nothing new. I wish I didn't feel as drained as I do, but even that will pass, or so I hope.

  I know that this year I've consciously walked away from some people, the ones who I knew were only interested in a one-way friendship. I imposed more decisions on my own part, making sure I wasn't getting involved in one-way things any more. In some ways I must have improved, or done something right, because I no longer feel that I have to be there for everyone, nor that I should give up all my own plans and drop everything just because someone says they need help. There are degrees of these things now - sometimes I just let the minor ones slip by, let them be dealt with by someone else. I'm changing, maybe believing that people can deal with their own stuff instead of me always doing it for them.

  I don't know whether it'll all work out in the end or not. I still get pissed off sometimes when I'm helping people out, and don't even get a thanks for it. It makes me want to walk away, just close it down completely. Maybe it'll even happen - only time will tell at the moment. I know that over the next six months things are going to change, that I'll make some new friends and contacts, and walk away from some old ones.

  There's going to be a lot gets changed before the end of 2003, I think - and most of it will be for the better. I'm tired of being taken for granted, tired of not being thanked by some of the ingrates that I know, and just plain tired of some other things. They're all likely to change.

  The last half of 2003 looks like it may be very, very interesting...