The aftermath
And then all of a sudden it's over. It's the 28th of December, and Christmas is over and done with for another year. The sense of anticlimax is staggering. Everywhere people are spouting the same old cliches about "All the time getting everything ready, then it's all over in a flash". Personally, I'd love to know where the cliches come from - I wonder if there's some kind of black book known only to people who like Christmas, that acts like a bible of "how to celebrate". This leather-covered book is covered in hasps and locks, and is passed down reverently from generation to generation - "Be careful with The Book, my dear, for it holds the secret recipe to Great Aunt Maud's infamous 'Turkey to end all Turkeys', and holds the full chronology of the family's christmas seasons, going back to 1857 BS (Before Supermarkets)"
And what comes next? Well, first of all the media has to do all of it's "reviews of the year" (regular readers will know that mine's here) pieces. If there's a weekend between Christmas and New Year (and there normally is, unless the events themselves are on weekends) then the weekend supplement magazines will be chock-full of the bollocks that can be written about whatever's happened in the last year. Normally, there'll be at least two reviews, both holding views that are diametrically opposite - just for a fair balance in the reporting.
Also, of course, the sales have started. The one true invention ofFinancial Institutions Satan, designed specifically to whittle down the crowd of sinners who remained debt-free over the festering season, now is the time to grab those suckers in and get them to buy shit they really don't need, accompanied by the well-known excuse "But it was in the sale..." as if that makes it alright, as if buying a new TV for £800 instead of £1000 makes it a bargain anbd justifies buying something that wasn't actually needed in the first place.
And there'll be all the accompanying media hype about the sales too - we'll see news footage of people fighting to be first in line for the wonderful bargain £3500 mink coat that'll never be worn, but it was such a bargain! There'll be the sad desperate idiots who camp for three days outside the store's doors so they can be there when they open and get the best bargains. (Of course, the flaw in this otherwise eminently sensible plan is that if there's a decent cold spell, the rest of the queue will go straight past the nork in the tent who's now suffering from frostbite, dementia and Frozen Tent Zipper syndrome) These people are not smart shoppers, or even bargain hunters: they're people who will do anything to save money - while they're camping outside Top Man for the sale to begin, they've turned down the central heating in their house,. and they're working out how much money they're saving by eating cold beans out of a can instead of going to all the expense of like, heating them up, or having toast with them, or anything. These people are freaks, and should be treated as such. Never has death by hypothermia been such an attractive option as when it runs the chance of happening to these people.
The other thing that seems to start happening is the adverts for summer holidays come out of the woodwork. In my family, it's still a tradition to report the first sighting of the summer holiday ad after Christmas - so far the longest it's taken between Christmas Day and an ad being reported is December 27th. I think the current record is having the ad reported before midday on 25th December. It's a never ending cycle - people driving themselves into debt for Christmas, paying it off, driving into debt to pay for the holiday in Summer, paying it off just in time to spend it again on Christmas. And this is a lifestyle that makes sense?
So, the festive aftermath involves Holidays and Sales. What else is there? Of course, first in the list is New Years Eve. Another day of hypocrisy, stupidity and hype. An excuse to get outrageously drunk (again), act like a tit, sing "Auld Lang Syne" with complete strangers, bleat on at midnight about how it's all about goodwill to all men, and then go back to normality and kicking the shit out of each other by half past. It's the grand finale of the hypocritical season, the opportunity to have one last blow out and burn off all the false bonhomie and goodwill that's been brought to the forefront because of the time of year.
And that's it - the end of another year's festivities. Now we traipse onwards towards February 14th, the second great season of hype and suicide, then Mothering Sunday, Easter, Father's Day, Summer, and the run-up to Christmas.
Happy New Year indeed.
And what comes next? Well, first of all the media has to do all of it's "reviews of the year" (regular readers will know that mine's here) pieces. If there's a weekend between Christmas and New Year (and there normally is, unless the events themselves are on weekends) then the weekend supplement magazines will be chock-full of the bollocks that can be written about whatever's happened in the last year. Normally, there'll be at least two reviews, both holding views that are diametrically opposite - just for a fair balance in the reporting.
Also, of course, the sales have started. The one true invention of
And there'll be all the accompanying media hype about the sales too - we'll see news footage of people fighting to be first in line for the wonderful bargain £3500 mink coat that'll never be worn, but it was such a bargain! There'll be the sad desperate idiots who camp for three days outside the store's doors so they can be there when they open and get the best bargains. (Of course, the flaw in this otherwise eminently sensible plan is that if there's a decent cold spell, the rest of the queue will go straight past the nork in the tent who's now suffering from frostbite, dementia and Frozen Tent Zipper syndrome) These people are not smart shoppers, or even bargain hunters: they're people who will do anything to save money - while they're camping outside Top Man for the sale to begin, they've turned down the central heating in their house,. and they're working out how much money they're saving by eating cold beans out of a can instead of going to all the expense of like, heating them up, or having toast with them, or anything. These people are freaks, and should be treated as such. Never has death by hypothermia been such an attractive option as when it runs the chance of happening to these people.
The other thing that seems to start happening is the adverts for summer holidays come out of the woodwork. In my family, it's still a tradition to report the first sighting of the summer holiday ad after Christmas - so far the longest it's taken between Christmas Day and an ad being reported is December 27th. I think the current record is having the ad reported before midday on 25th December. It's a never ending cycle - people driving themselves into debt for Christmas, paying it off, driving into debt to pay for the holiday in Summer, paying it off just in time to spend it again on Christmas. And this is a lifestyle that makes sense?
So, the festive aftermath involves Holidays and Sales. What else is there? Of course, first in the list is New Years Eve. Another day of hypocrisy, stupidity and hype. An excuse to get outrageously drunk (again), act like a tit, sing "Auld Lang Syne" with complete strangers, bleat on at midnight about how it's all about goodwill to all men, and then go back to normality and kicking the shit out of each other by half past. It's the grand finale of the hypocritical season, the opportunity to have one last blow out and burn off all the false bonhomie and goodwill that's been brought to the forefront because of the time of year.
And that's it - the end of another year's festivities. Now we traipse onwards towards February 14th, the second great season of hype and suicide, then Mothering Sunday, Easter, Father's Day, Summer, and the run-up to Christmas.
Happy New Year indeed.
