B&Q – You couldn’t make it up

Following yesterday’s successful uplift of the-stuff-we-didn’t-order, I got a call from B&Q’s customer services person this morning. (Yes, I did mean person. I reckon they’ve only got three or four people to deal with the entire country) She was ringing to confirm that the uplift had happened, and told me that the refund on our now-cancelled order would happen once they could confirm that the items had been received back in the warehouse. Supposedly this could take up to two weeks!

“Oh, well I don’t know how often the delivery people return to the warehouse”

Every fucking day or two, I’d hope. Twat.

I also asked if she’d seen the report on BBC’s “Watchdog” last night about the shyster fuckwit twunts. She hadn’t.

“Oh no, I was watching the Sci-Fi channel instead”

Well, thanks for that information, but I really would have to try very hard in order to give a shit. Anyway, this meant she conveniently hadn’t seen that the majority of complaints regarding B&Q were regarding the fact they can’t find their own arses with both hands, a team-building exercise, and a flashlight. Let alone find the correct items in the warehouse, and deliver them to the correct house at the correct time. Rocket Science this ain’t.

The suggestion that perhaps I should write in to Watchdog myself, as they at least seemed to get some results out of B&Q didn’t go down overly well. Nor did the reminder from me when she said “well, we have to make sure that all the items are in good condition” that she had actually said I could leave the worktops out in the front garden ’til they were collected, and that she would authorise me to do so and it wouldn’t affect our refund. (We ignored their directive to leave it out, and kept it all dry in the house instead)

“Oh yes, I did say that didn’t I? I do hope you haven’t done so, the weather’s been awful in that two weeks.”

36 Comments on “B&Q – You couldn’t make it up”

  1. Adrian says:

    I hope you were recording the conversation. For information and training purposes and what not.

  2. Gordon says:


    Not sure your comment on her choice of TV viewing is fair mind you.

  3. Lyle says:

    I don’t care what she watches. But I also didn’t need to know. So no, at that point I couldn’t give a shite what she watched. I’m not disparaging her choice (much) just the fact she chose to tell me. A simple “I missed it” would’ve sufficed!

  4. andy says:

    Lyle my dear friend, I hope you and thousands of your readers will now have learnt their lesson, buy from a builders merchant, less hassle, more customer service and they don’t employ retards. Plus they will usually deliver your stuff to your house either that day or the next day and you can get technical advice of them, something that the retards in BnQ aint capable of. If you use your head it can be much cheaper also.

  5. leeeeboi says:

    i work there and i agree, i dont no shit apart from B n Q stands for “Block” and “Quayle”

  6. me says:

    i also work there and know far more than most, maybe you’re under some illusion that we run out of one tiny warehouse and all know each other? watch television that relates to b&q only? and don’t sleep because of people over-reacting to problems that in the real world aren’t actually that bad?

    the woman that you spoke to done her job, she called out of courtesy to ensure that what had been arranged had happened. no company would give you a refund for goods until they were certain they’d had them back, that would just be stupid.

  7. Ally says:

    I work for b&q too, and i have to say i feel for all the customers, obviously common sense is severely lacking in the way the company works, but if i could pinpoint a cause – it would be the managers!!!! if truth be told, i think well over half b&q managers come from supermarket backgrounds – the likes of sainsburys, tesco, asda, and even co-op!! absolutely no idea what diy retail entails… so the next time you pop into your local supermarket, and if coincidentally you should bump into a manager, ask him or her if they have plans to work for b&q?!!!

  8. Martin says:

    We’re having a problem getting an awning delivered – usual poor service but I have to say that the people in the local store (Belvedere) are really helpful – usually fall over themselves to help and some of them are clearly ex-trade and can give you detailed info on how to do things- It would be depressing if they read all this and thought it related to them.
    Its odd how some conmpanies have systems tta can track your order on line – you can almost watch it getting closer to your house – amazon for example, or buyacamera who are brilliant – so why dont B&Q do some job swapping and see how its done

  9. Sally Fletcher says:

    B&Q are shite and sell cheap and nasty shit

  10. John says:

    HA HA HA HA! We fucked up your order so bad because your such a wanker, what rimlicker leaves goods there wanting a refund on out in the rain for not only one but TWO WEEKS! Who’s the fuckwit now eh?
    Why did you order online? is it because you are to fat to get up off your lazy arse and go down the shop, why else would you count how many steps youve walked today(like anybody gives a toss anyway, faggot). I really hope you did fuck off to Homebase. Youll be the sort of bastard that walks in to the store and asks where the paint is eventhough its right behind you, or if your told what aisle its in youll need led there(like a little lost retard member of the public) coz your too fuckin lazy too look for the big red banners with the big white numbers on them. Numbers by the way look like this look like this:1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ,9 , 10 , 11 , 12 etc….

  11. Lyle says:

    Ah, John, how nice of you to drop in.

    Now, if only you’d learn to read before coming across like a fuckwit cunt, you’d see that B&Q recommended I leave the stuff outside – and I didn’t do it. Because (as you’ve so happily proved) B&Q are utter wankers who aren’t even capable of reading, let alone independent thought.

    And the reason I ordered online? Because there’s no fucking way that even a spamhead retard like you can fit a 3.6m worktop in a Ford Fiesta.

    As for shopping, I’m quite capable of managing it on my own, without a carer. Although it does seem that you, sir, are in major need of a) a carer, b) medication, and c) an education.

  12. Adam says:

    You’re not singing anymore, Oh you’re not singing anymore…

    @ John.

  13. Braindead says:

    I work @ B&Q Warehouse (Paisley) on the night shift and i have to admit that the day-shift are a complete bunch of wasters.

    We prepare the stock and replenish the shelves leaving the store ready to open in the morning in an good state then the day shift come in and just fling shit everywhere and we get lumbered with cleaning up their fuckin mess.

    I hated B&Q, but they put me through my bendi forklift course and now i can lord it in my truck above the other thick plebs noone can prove i hit things and drive off smiling

  14. Braindead says:

    I work for Them at their paisley warehouse on the night shift and they are all tossers even the managers.

    They put me through forklift and now i laugh as i drive by them at night with there sore feet. i hit things and laugh at them. they hate me too i think

  15. Mick says:

    Think yourself lucky you weren’t dealing with MFI, they’re still infinately worse than B&Q despite all I’ve read here.

  16. k says:

    i work for BNQ aswell and i feel for the customers because the managers dont give a shit if you get your stuff or not because it all look in figures and makes the store look good, and a manager even told me to place an order for somethink that was not in stock and was not going to be in stock for 2 months so when i refused to lie to the customer the manager went and told the customer it would be with them in 2 to 4 weeks knowing full well it wouldn’d. they make is lie to all the customers in store and on the phone so when you wonder why your order hasn’t turned up what ever you get told its bullshit.staff that walk around with expert badges on there pinny there not experts that haven’t got a fucking clue

  17. B&Q worker says:

    Haha Brain dead… yeah precisely!!! I am day shift worker at b&q paisley. Found this while trying to look for a postcode for the shop.

    Your a twat… a think one at that.. I watch you whizzing back n forth on your pathetic little bendi pallet thing… ever think your the numbnut that needs to get a life… fkn sado workin in retail your whole life.And yeah nightshift do hate you.. prob the day shift n all.

  18. gareth says:

    bnq stands for bastards and queres

  19. Lyle says:

    Queres? Queues? Queers?

    Queueing Queers?

    It’s always better to be a smart-arse if you can spell…

  20. your dad says:

    Everyone who works at B&Q Watford eats shit. I made one of their managers cry, the dumb bitch. Fucking half wits, here is a B&Q product, i want a refund you FUCK. But then again, they are working at b and fucking q, i do feel sorry for them, how shamed would you be everyday dressing up like a orange cunt? And fuck me do they ONLY hire people who are ugly as sin, or is it just the assholes who cant get jobs even in mcdonalds who work there??

  21. durex says:

    have a couple of numbers 4 head office will find them and give u any complaints have e-mails to watch this space

  22. Had Enough says:

    B&Q staff are jobsworth power hungry pathetic cunts who were probably all bullied at school and would be better hung from lamposts until they were dead and their pointless fuckwit bodies are cut down they should be put to a worthwhile use and turned into biodiesel. these people are the reason this world is so fucked and everyone is frustrated and turning on each other, what a fucking sad place.

  23. ahs1982 says:

    Have you tried ringing their customer services? Talk about fucking useless!

  24. paul says:

    I work for b&q and agree that we sometimes have issues like any other business, I would have to say that most of or teams do there best to deliver a high level of service to our customers especially when there are issues. One of the biggest problems is that b&q have over 1000 supply routes across the world that can be a logistical nightmare which is when a lot of problems occur. I have to say that the tone and language used on this blog are inappropriate and highlight the attitudes of a minority of people in the UK, it is precisely this type of rude and aggressive customer that we do not want shopping in our business.

  25. exoompahloompah says:

    Holy fuck i worked for 6 months for these useless brainless cunt ,made me fucking ill it was soooo bad there.im glad i dont have to dress like an oompah loompah any more !! what a fucking waste of my time and abilies!!glad im out.

  26. exoompahloompah says:


  27. oompahloopah says:

    B+Q= BAD QUALITY……………

  28. ex-focus worker says:

    i used to work for focus diy, it wasnt the best company but they knew what they were doing and communicated with each other over everything. even the managers took out their own rubbish and took care of their own buisness. we worked stock during the day and had everything finished for when we left at night.

    since working for b and q i have learnt they are the lowest, whiniest, stupidest, least self dependable, least eco caring company ever. the managers do not communicate. they never know who is doing what. we work 7 pm until 10 pm, only 16 hours a week. when we go into store, no stock has been worked and if it has the rubbish is by the back door for us to take out and separate.

    if the stock has been worked there are slip and trip hazards all over the store (because they refuse to work stock and then list it into over stocks straight away they give it to us as a job.

    if something has been put out wrong during the day it is our fault. they never admit to any mistakes, they blame it on every one else.

    the deliveries, they are the biggest waste of time ever. i once had a massive box. it was BIG, and being big i thought it would be heavy. upon lifting it was light, one corner weighing down. when i opened the box there was a pack of shelving brackets in the corner. there were 15 of these boxes. all would have fitted into half of one. this happens every week with different products.

    i wont go on about everything i care about, the thing you care about is customer support and returns. at focus, if we had a return we would check the receipt, if no receipt was given we would check stock levels and if they were ok store credit was given. at b and q, so far hardly anything has been returned. they dont like returning things. it hurts customers when they have been told they can return things then they cant. the old women look like their trust has been burned. customer complaints arent funny, most people are told to fuck off to their faces.


  29. ex-focus worker says:

    @john that is typical manager thoughts and what gets said in the canteen. read it and you will understand why i want b and q back

    [Edit/Add by Lyle, Site Owner] – I think he means he wants Focus back, not B&Q. But I could be wrong…

  30. ex b and q worker says:

    I worked for b and q as a cleaner for 5 months then as a “stock replenishment” for a mont it was so boring, stock in wrong place, labels were wrong it did my head in, I only ever saw 1 or 2 managers working on shop floor.
    most of time I was just staring at a load of wood or paint.
    Now I quit the job and asked if I could do the cleaning role as it suited me better and I basically got told to fuck off

  31. Your all a bunch of cooker suckers says:

    I work at b&q now and would go out of my way to help a customer. Even the customers that can be complete and utter assholes…b&q want to be the best, and by trying to become the best you have to learn from your mistakes! I see day in day out what problems we have and how it’s effects the customers. But all you people slagging off b&q have either never worked in retail before of are just miserable bastards with nothing else better to do!

  32. anon says:

    I worked for B+Q for 5 months, worst place i ever ever worked in my entire life, i will never ever set foot in any of their stores ever again, shame as i still work in property/garden maintenance, their behaviour has cost them a small fortune but they dont even give a fuck about that. I have never worked with such a bunch of idiots in all my life , they sell cheap chinese crap, they dont care about their staff nor their customers, im not surprised their soo deeply in debt.
    Avoid B+Q.

  33. Kate says:

    I worked for B&Q, & wondered why there were 11 line managers, and only 8 depts!??
    Also, for approx 4/5 hours daily they disappeared off the radar, & couldn’t be located! The majority of them appear to be academic failures, & one had the spelling of a 3 year old. They don’t work very hard, so why are they paid so much more than me? They must be up the General Managers arse, is all I can assume.

  34. john Donnelly says:

    I have to say that B&Q are really crap at providing anything called “service” after buying a kitchen in January 2016 we have had to go back countless time due to one thing or another, now the general store manager is of the store in question couldn’t even run a bath, she is so shit at her job is needs sacking! anyway i won’t be using B&Q again never mind buying a bloody kitchen.

  35. Steve says:

    Wow, I don’t think I’ll ever shop at BQ again

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