Ah, yet more Christmas rants

The next in the series of Christmas rants is now online, this one about christmas decorations.

Enjoy.

Ouch

Weird the way things work out sometimes. Following on from my comment in Kitchentable‘s piece about accidentally punching yourself in the head, I managed to do exactly that last night, and woke up with a nosebleed.

What had happened is that I’d obviously moved around while asleep, and my head ended up using my arm as a pillow – and the arm ended up going completely numb. At which point the brain, even while asleep, figures out there’s something wrong, and starts screaming “Aaaargh! Eeeek! I went to sleep with two arms, and now some fucker’s nicked one of ’em! How did that happen? Arrrgh! Fuckin’ ‘ell! Where’s it gone? I was only away for a few minutes! Bugger! He’s going to kill me when he wakes up! Fuck! I’ve lost an arm!” before it really starts to panic.

So then it gets to a level with some conscious thought attached, and comes up with a plan to try moving the arm, see if it’s still there. Of course, consciousness is still a long way off, so this idea seems feasible. Move the arm (which if it’s still there must be trapped under something, as it’s incredibly heavy and/or gone) by putting as much effort in as possible, and hopefully find out where the hell it’s gone.

Brain sends the messages to the muscles of the arm in the syntax of “imagine there’s something REALLY heavy there, as the arm’s trapped” – the muscles strain to move the arm, and SLAM the arm moves dead easily (it’s just numb after all) and brings the owner to full consciousness with a hefty whack in the face, followed by the adorable feeling of a dollop of blood trailing down from the nose. (AKA “Point of Impact”)

All in all, a wonderful way to wake up. Suddenly a lobotomy has potential.

It’s the end of the world as we know it…

Bloody Hell! On day 69, Mike runs out of shirts! And just in time for people to buy him some new ones for Christmas. *Grin*

I love google

A brief little review of the year from Google.

No Shit, Sherlock: part 4,345,987

Further to comments on the blog yesterday, the Guardian reveals that parents are now over-protective of their children even though the incidence of child abductions has actually decreased. It’s not just parents – the entire credo seems to be “protect children” at the moment, as the story about Edinburgh council explains, along with comments on Green Fairy’s site.

Gifts you’ll want to give away

I can say no more than look here and realise all my claims about Christmas being tacky have been well and truly vindicated.

Also, the Guardian explains more about a Happy Kitschmas (sic)

Stranger than Fiction

Sometimes you just have to laugh. Reading of the ship that’s already collided with the cargo one sunk over the weekend (carrying 3000 luxury cars, no less) was one of those times.