Spiderman 3

Well, I’m no Barry Norman or Jonathon Ross, but I can still sum up Spiderman 3 pretty well.

It’s shit.

Shockingly, depressingly bad; overlong, and well, just shit. I guess it was expected. What I didn’t expect was to come out thinking “You know, in the terms of trilogies, and final parts thereof, maybe Blade Trinity wasn’t so bad after all”. And Blade Trinity sucked the balls of dead gorillas.

Spiderman 3 could’ve – hell, should’ve- been done in 90 minutes, just a slam through where you didn’t have to think about it too much, just a powered blitz through the storyline. But no, it’s all got to be so emotional, and there’s got to be a story curve where most of the bits from the previous two get cleaned up and closed off. But we don’t need any of the Sandman (No, not Gaiman’s Sandman Morpheus) sections, although from an effects point of view they’re cool. We don’t need half the shit about splitting up with MJ – and we particularly don’t need that bloody awful jazz-club scene.

The problem with “Peter Parker goes bad” is that he can’t go truly bad, because he’s the ‘hero’, so all he can do is go out and look like Jarvis Cocker without the specs. A little bit emo, nothing special. And utterly, utterly unbelievable. (I know, I know, we’re talking about a comic-book movie. But still.)

In short, if it’d been done in 90 minutes, it’d (probably) be OK. As it is, it’s shit. Don’t even bother.

And Sony? That’s another 2.5 hours of my life I want back, you bastards.