Blueberries
Posted: Sat 2 July, 2005 Filed under: Customer Services, Health 5 Comments »I just drank an Innocent® Blackberry and Blueberry smoothie, and couldn’t resist copying the text that was on it. Sheer genius…
We don’t know who invented blueberries. Probably Thomas Edison, or Benjamin Franklin. Anyway, whoever did it, we thank you, mainly because blueberries seem to do a multitude of things very well. They look good on your cornflakes, they taste amazing, and they contain more antioxidant power than brocolli, spinach, or garlic. Over the years we’ve found that they taste slightly more agreeable when blended into a smoothie than garlic or any of those other things. If you disagree, please email your concerns to iwantmysmoothietostink@innocentdrinks.co.uk.
How ace is that? Particularly the email address…
Froggin’ Expensive
Posted: Tue 28 June, 2005 Filed under: Customer Services, Weirdness 3 Comments »Well, colour me shocked. There’s a story on the BBC News today about how signing up to the Crazy Bastard Frog (CBF) ringtone costs people a lot more than they expect. Basically, if you signed up to get the CBF, you’ve then signed up to Jamster‘s shite from now ’til the end of eternity. (and yes, pedants, I know that technically eternity never ends, but bollocks, I’m using the expression anyway) Or, in fairness, ’til you get enough IQ points to text “STOP” to whatever number it is. (if memory serves, I think that’s the code – see, I do pay attention to the adverts)
The whining twat on the BBC says this:
I did not spot the impossibly small print whizzing by on the bottom of the screen while a larger-than-a life Crazy Frog gyrated to his latest tones.If I had, it would apparently have informed me that by ordering the ringtone I had also signed up to a subscription.
The watchdog’s 2004 code says pricing information must be spoken on television adverts if maximum call costs can exceed £2. The code also states that “textual pricing information must be easily legible, prominent… presented in a way that does not require close examination”.
©BBC News 2005
She then goes on to say “I couldn’t find anything about this on the Jamster site”. Well, madam, then you’re obviously as thick as pigshite. If you click on the “Terms and Conditions” link on any Jamster Page (yes, I’ve just looked at the site for the first time ever you get to see this :
To unsubscribe by text message, text “STOP” to 88888, call 0870 121 3186 or go to “My Clubs” under “My Jamster!” on www.jamster.co.uk or send an email to info@jamster.co.uk. The termination shall become effective immediately upon receipt of termination request.
© Jamster 2005
Rocket science this isn’t.
So far as I can see, the entire Jamster ringtones thing is just like an idiot tax anyway – if you don’t read the text at the bottom (and I have – it’s not difficult so long as you don’t need to read aloud, or follow the words with your fucking finger) and just subscribe then a) you’re an idiot, and b) you’re fair game to get ripped off. This whine masquerading as news just goes to illustrate the point.
B&Q
Posted: Wed 22 June, 2005 Filed under: B&Q, Customer Services, General 32 Comments »No, not another set of events with that bunch of cunts, but having just looked through my referrers, and checked back, I’m pleased to confirm that I’m now in the top 10 on Google for the search “B&Q customer services“.
Told you I’d manage it…
Taking the Piss
Posted: Tue 21 June, 2005 Filed under: Customer Services, Thoughts, Travel 3 Comments »Just as an aside, this is the post I was writing, and lost earlier. A re-write, not a recovery
Do you ever wonder whether certain other people are actually on the same level of sanity as yourself? Today’s story about the potential for a “congestion charge” for rush-hour rail travel created this kind of doubt in my mind.
The real questioning came about when it was revealed that it was that Association of Train Operating Companies (ATOC) who were banging on about this. They’re obviously not aware that “peak” travel is already a shitload more expensive than travelling later in the day. And that’s the policy of every train company. If I were to decide to work in London, and had to commute from Bracknell to be in London before 9am, a daily Travelcard would cost me £22.60. If I can go in later, leaving Bracknell after 9.30am, that Travelcard will only cost me £13.30.
So the “rush-hour” congestion charge already exists. It’s just the train companies working to screw even more money out of people – and mainly out of business people and workers, who are the ones they’re forever saying are the “bread and butter” of the trainlines, which is why maintenance work is done on bank holidays and weekends, so that these super-important “bread and butter” passengers aren’t inconvenienced. Great, they’re just ripped off more and more each year.
The final insult came in the quote (and I’m going to paraphrase it a bit)
In the next 10 years the objective will be to run as many trains as we sensibly can, and as long trains as we can, to carry the maximum capacity.
…
The strategy document – entitled Looking Forward: Contribution to Railway Strategy – also said scrapping under-used trains and stations could help operators handle growth.
Now, let me get this right. Effectively, what they’re saying is “the trains are going to get busier. Therefore, what we’ll do is reduce the number of trains and stations, so that all these extra people will be crammed on the over-used trains at a smaller number of stations. Hey, what’s convenience, when we can ram ’em in like sardines?”
Useful
Posted: Mon 6 June, 2005 Filed under: Customer Services, Sweary, Travel Leave a comment »Out of interest, what the blue blazing fuck kind of use is a bank that opens on Saturdays, but doesn’t have its foreign currency desk do the same? Because of course a Saturday isn’t going to be when most people go and use a bank for that kind of thing, is it?
Yes, Nat-West Bank I’m referring (in this case) to you, you heap of incompetent unhelpful supercilious fuckmonkey cunts.
So instead we used the Post Office. Much easier. And at least they’ve (on this occasion) got some kind of idea when it comes to things like customer service.
Britannia
Posted: Tue 12 April, 2005 Filed under: Customer Services, Thoughts 10 Comments »Ah, joy. About eighteen months ago I had to deal with a debt collection agency who were operating on behalf of Britannia.
Today, I got a snotty letter (to my old address, but we’ll gloss over that) from a different company. This time it’s some shower with the imaginative company name “Debt Managers Ltd.” Having checked with Companies House at least this time they’re a valid company, which makes a change.
Anyway, this letter said that I still owe Shitannia money from nearly three years ago. Yes, the self-same account I disputed a year ago with the Robinson Way agency, who then referred it back to Britannia. And it’s taken them a year of doing fuck all before referring it to another debt agency. No contact at all in the meantime. Tossers.
So, a call to Debt Managers ensues.
I’d like to find out why I’ve got this letter from yourselves regarding a debt from Britannia.
We can’t help, we just collect the debt.
Well, can you request that Britannia send me a statement explaining what I owe, in accordance with the Credit Act’s provisions.
No, we can’t. We don’t sort out disputes, we just collect the money.
Can you give me a number for Britannia so I can do it?
No.
Well, I’d just like to say that’s the worst bit of customer service I’ve seen in a long time.
We’re not trained to do customer service. You’re not a customer, you’re a debtor.
Finally I ended up speaking to a supervisor, and after another ten minutes she’s agreed to send it back to Britannia “as the account is obviously in dispute” and of course they don’t deal with disputes, merely debts. They can’t confirm this in writing to me “as it’s not a standard letter”. And apparently typing is beyond them too.
So – back to Britannia, and a shitty letter will be written to them in the meantime.
As for Debt Managers Ltd.? (company number SC219618) Well, all I can say is that they’re one of the rudest, most unhelpful companies it’s ever been my misfortune to deal with. With luck I’ll never have to hear from the useless tossers again.
Easter Chocolate
Posted: Wed 30 March, 2005 Filed under: Customer Services, Reviews(ish) 3 Comments »I’m not greatly into chocolate at the best of times, it has to be said. However, if you’re after something spectacularly good and chocolatey, you can’t do much better than Hotel Chocolat.
We both had one egg from them this year, and they’re utterly fantastic. Seriously thick chocolate for the egg itself, and filled with chocolates inside. Not just one or two in a bag, but both halves filled properly. Yes, they’re more expensive than the standard Smarties egg or whatever, but damn, they’re worth it.
Having made several orders now with Hotel Chocolat, I’d wholeheartedly recommend them to anyone who’s into chocolate.