Breaking Point

Roughly this time last month, life came to a bit of a crunch point.  I haven’t written much about it so far – and won’t write much more about it after this – but a number of things bubbled up at the same time, and I feel it’s worth adding in some thoughts with a bit of hindsight etc.  I’m not going to be going into the whys and wherefores of any of it.

Basically, I had a bit of a breakdown. Going home on the Thursday night plunged me into a huge dollop of depression, which isn’t exactly great at the best of times. I thought I could get over it, that it was a “bad day” thing, but the next day was actually worse, to the extent that I simply couldn’t face going home for the weekend. It was a real physical reaction, that I just couldn’t do it. So instead I went away for the weekend- went back to the house, sorted things there, got some clothes, and left again. I didn’t even wait for Herself to come home- I sent her a text message to let her know what I was doing.

I’m not proud of myself for that, not even slightly. It was completely unfair, unreasonable, and downright shitty. There are no excuses, no glossing over it – it was an utterly unutterably crappy thing to do to anyone, let alone a partner of five years, a friend of twenty years.

What it was, though, was a way to survive. If I’d stayed there for the weekend, I don’t honestly know what would’ve happened, or where I’d have ended up. Some people have called what I did cowardly – and fair enough, maybe it was. I can’t say I was honestly in my right mind. But at that point, where you physically and mentally can’t face going back somewhere, I don’t think “being in one’s right mind” is ever going to happen.

Again, I’m not proud of what I did. It had to happen, but I should’ve/could’ve done it one hell of a lot better.

So a lot’s changed since then, and I’m working on all the necessary changes. I don’t know how they’ll work out, I don’t know how any of it will work out. But I’m not going to put myself in that situation again if I can possibly help it.

[Comments on this post are now closed]

14 Comments on “Breaking Point”

  1. Richard (Herself's Brother-in-Law) says:

    Now I have stayed quiet on the matter until now and whilst I can see that you are a troubled man with a mental illness that is debilitating I think you should give the matter some closure. So do the decent thing. Reply to your emails to help clear up the mess you have left behind, and let those you have hurt get on with their lives in peace.

  2. Gordon says:

    I think, sorry Richard no idea who you are, that it’ll take time to sort things out and heaping guilt on top of things rarely helps.

    Lyle, you can’t rush these things or you’ll end up doing them for the wrong reason, so go at your own pace. Those that matter won’t mind, those that mind, don’t matter.

    It takes a lot to fess up to making mistakes, and you are probably beating yourself up more than anyone realises.

    Life goes on, regardless, so take it one step at a time.

    You have my email address if you need to use it.

  3. Herself's Sister says:

    What a load of crap!

  4. Herself says:

    Gordon, I’ll have your email address!

  5. Blue Witch says:

    I think that you have to have been there to understand.

    IMHO, anyone close to you should have seen this coming and understood, and supported, rather than attempted to ‘beat you up’ through your comments box after the event, either now, or last time you wrote about it.

    I was fortunate when it happened to me that I had people around who loved and nurtured and were there with uncritical shoulders, rather than people who criticised and dictated (probably why it happened in the first place…).

    Hope you find yourself some decent friends next time around Lyle.

    And – in case any of Lyle’s known to him IRL people are reading, please don’t bother to write reams in your own defence in reply to me. I’m not interested, and Lyle certainly doesn’t need it.

    (…and Lyle – apologies – you know that I don’t normally take anything but a fairly neutral stance in these matters, but I am tired of seeing those who should have been there for you intrude on your private space here. If they don’t like what you write, then I’d suggest they stop nosing in on your world.)

  6. Herself says:

    Blue witch as someone who was there at the time I did not see you there unless you have suddenly been able to change your human form into something magical.
    You clearly don’t know what you are talking about. The point is that you are ALL commenting on a very one sided post and assume that he has actually said these things to the other person involved. He has not .
    And the world wide web is not a private place

  7. Herself says:

    Ps. Blue witch
    sometimes necessary to nose into lyles world as he struggles to come into mine, the real one

  8. Herself says:

    now that’s the most intellegent thing you have said so far

  9. Herself says:

    And Gordon yes I agree it takes alot of courage to fess up and say you have made mistakes publically however it takes alot more balls to fess up and apologise privately to the person you have been shitty to. When he’s done that he can post what he likes on his blog and get all the poor you comments he can muster.

  10. Blue Witch says:

    “I think that you have to have been there to understand.

    I now understand the misunderstanding before… My poor phraseology, apologies.

    I meant, had a breakdown yourself, and so understand what it’s like. Nothing, no amount of reading textbooks, or working with people who have had breakdowns (as I had, with my professional pointy hat on) ever can prepare you for when it happens to you personally. As I found…

    I always find it interesting in these situations how one person always feels the injured party, who deserves to be ‘apologised to’ and totally fails to understand the part they have played in whatever has happened. When a relationship goes wrong it is NEVER just one person’s fault, and rarely even mainly one person’s fault.

    So, it’s often just best to draw a line under things, accept that all those involved will have a differing point of view, that will rarely map onto another’s (hence why the relationship broke down in the first place), and move on.

    While grievances are carried, and things (that are unlikely to happen) are ‘expected’, the only person being hurt is the one carrying the grievances.

  11. lyle says:

    Just so I’m clear : is that the real world where you ended up with the house and everything in it – which I agreed to, and is fine with me – with the exception of my clothes, books, discs, photos/prints and computer, and I ended up in a rented place, starting from scratch?

    Is it the real world where I got told to immediately leave the house I paid half the mortgage on – and continue to pay half the mortgage on – for three years, because “you’re not going to live here rent-free while you look for somewhere else” ? Is that the real world where I took the choice to leave, rather than lie to you that there was still a chance to work on things, and stay somewhere that affected me to the levels it did before that weekend?

    Is it also the real world where you saw the state I was in on the Thursday – curled into a ball on the sofa – and went to bed? The only concession was to take Hound with you.

    You’re right, I struggle to come into the “real” world of your hardships in this one.

  12. Chris says:

    Its the behavior of the sister i don’t understand.

    Its as though she is poking an open wound with a stick rather than helping it to heal.

    Herself and Lyle both need support and help at what i am sure is a difficult time for them not someone stirring it up.

  13. Chris says:

    Whereas Richards comment is both helpful, to the point and non-inflammatory