Solsticial
Posted: Thu 21 December, 2023 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, SAD 5 Comments »Shortest Day! Shortest Day!
Tra-la-la-la, it’s the Winter Solstice.
I don’t think I need to say any more than that, really.
Shortest
Posted: Wed 21 December, 2022 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, SAD Leave a comment »In happier news, today is the Winter Solstice (at least in the Northern Hemisphere) so it’s the shortest day. This year that shortest day is 7 hours 49 minutes and 49 seconds.
The changes are (as always) tiny for a while, but it’s at least good to know that we’re done with the shortest one and that we’re heading back towards the time of sunlight…
September Restart (Hopefully)
Posted: Wed 1 September, 2021 Filed under: D4D™, Depression, Domestic, Health, SAD, Sleep - or lack thereof, Thoughts Leave a comment »So, yes, I’m still alive. There’s been a bundle of stuff going on that isn’t blog-friendly (or even interesting) and August has been it’s usual shower of shit.
I don’t know why it happens, but it does, and it’s not a conscious process at all. But I’ll have about two weeks where pretty much nothing goes right, and it whacks my brain hard, and then I realise that yes, yet again, it’s bloody August.
Obviously this year I also got slightly walloped by July, but well, who’s counting?
As is obvious, I got through it all – and in fairness, it’s nothing major that’s been occurring, I’m still in the same house, same job, nothing epic has altered. But it hits me hard anyway, like I’ve had enough energy to keep going ’til now, then I just feel like I’ve been slammed into a wall, and there’s little to no time or energy to do anything for a few weeks.
So anyway, yes, September. Let’s see how things go from here…
Extending Daylight
Posted: Mon 23 December, 2019 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, SAD Leave a comment »As of today, the days are getting longer again (for the next six months, anyway) It’s only five seconds longer today than yesterday, but at least it’s heading in the right direction.
This is A Good Thing.
That is all.
Slump
Posted: Wed 17 April, 2019 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Change, D4D™, Depression, Domestic, Getting Organised, Health, Insomnia, Rebuilding, Thoughts 1 Comment »Things have been quiet on D4D of late. Basically, I’m in a bit of a slump, and at the moment I’m not quite sure how to get out of it.
There’s a lot of reasons behind it, but mainly it’s down to an overbearing feeling of stagnation, or being a bit bogged down. I’m used to having change in my life, and at the moment it’s not really there. Some of that is inertia, some of it is still the final stages from the bankruptcy process and some of it is the current state of things. But it all adds up to an overall sludge – and while I know I want things to change, I also don’t quite know what I want to do next, or where I want to be.
Domestically, I’ve been in this house for seven years. That’s by far the longest I’ve been in any one place since I left the family home. I was looking at moving last year when the tenancy came up, but that was only just after the bankruptcy finished, and I didn’t want to push things while it was still showing up on credit checks and the like. So I’m thinking about it for this year – but there’s also nowhere that’s dragging me, nowhere that I’ve been and thought “OK, this is where I want/need to be”, and it’s all a bit up in the air. There’s still time, though.
Workwise, I’ve been working on the same project for more than three years. (Probably closer to 4, all told) And while we’ve got a lot done, there still feels like no end in sight (things keep on being added in to it, or stuff is more complex than initially expected) which doesn’t help. I like contracting in general for exactly this – that each contract is finite – even though they can (and usually do) get extended, they still have an end date where I can say “Nope, I’m done”. This one is open-ended, and it’s feeling more and more like a proper job and blah blah.
Outside of those two things, there’s so much doubt about what’s going on in the UK – with Brexit being delayed even further, it’s left everything in limbo again, of not knowing what’ll happen with it, and what’ll happen with jobs, economy and so on if and when it happens. I can’t deny, that all contributes to the current sense of stagnation.
I’m not depressed – well, no more than usual – and I’m still getting out and getting other stuff done. It’s just that I’ve not got the time or energy for anything extra. I wish I did, but I don’t.
I’m going to keep on working on it, though. I know I need a couple of new projects to be getting on with – but I also need to find the motivation to get it going. That’s where the stagnation is really hurting – I know I need and want to change, but right now the drive to change things is also being blocked.
I’ll figure it out, I know – I always do, and always have done. And hopefully it won’t take too much longer to turn the corner.
Solsticial
Posted: Fri 21 December, 2018 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, SAD Leave a comment »Today’s the Winter Solstice – the shortest day of the year. From here, the days get longer again, although initially it’s barely noticeable. (From that page, by New Year the day will be one whole minute longer than today, although the differences do increase as we go through the year)
In terms of daylight, this day is 8 hours, 49 minutes shorter than on June Solstice.
Oddly, the latest sunrise doesn’t happen ’til the end of the year, rather than being on the shortest day. (Orbital mechanics be weird, y’all)
Regardless, at least the days are going to get longer. We’re almost over the hump.
Bourdain
Posted: Mon 11 June, 2018 Filed under: D4D™, Depression, Domestic, Health, Mental Health, News, People, Thoughts Leave a comment »Last week, I was as surprised as everyone else to hear that the chef Anthony Bourdain had committed suicide.
Bourdain was a huge influence on the catering world – you only have to read the many obituaries (including this one) to see the influence he had, and the respect in which he was held.
Depression and suicide are bastards. They make you think you’re not worth anything, make you think the world won’t miss you, make you insignificant. They’re lying bastards.
Twitter and Facebook have been full of people expressing shock, and making depression and mental health a subject to speak about, to help remove the stigma around it all, and make more people aware of how prevalent these things really are.
If nothing else good comes out of the deaths of celebrities, then at least it’s making people talk, making mental health normalised and spoken about. And that can’t be a bad legacy really, can it?
Flattened
Posted: Wed 4 April, 2018 Filed under: D4D™, Depression, Domestic, Getting Organised, Thoughts Leave a comment »Yet again, things round here have eased off a bit, I haven’t been updating as regularly as I could/should be doing. In fairness, that’s not just something that’s been happening here, it’s also been breaking through into other aspects of life, and I’m working my way through the whole thing.
I’ve been describing it to myself as being permanently tired, although as per the title, “Flattened” is perhaps a better description. So, probably, is “Depressed, but Functional” They’d all be fair, for sure.
Thing is, I don’t feel depressed. I just feel tired. I still get up, go to work, do all the idiot stuff I do on weekends. But in many ways it feels like I’m doing a lot of it on autopilot – because I’m tired.
It’s meant I haven’t done some stuff, and some new things (or revisited things) just haven’t happened yet, because I’m too tired, too flat to make the effort.
I don’t know quite what to make of it. I’m figuring it out, and I think (hope) I’ve turned a bit of a corner over the weekend, so in some ways it’s a case of waiting to see what develops. I know that in some ways I’ve done more new stuff this week already than I probably did in the previous three months.
I’m not going to force the issue – as I said previously, Q2 of 2018 also involves more downtime, which I’m hoping will free up some mental bandwidth, and allow me to start doing some of the stuff that’s currently sitting in my brain saying “Well? Get on with it”.
That’s how it feels at the moment, anyway. Whether the same will be true tomorrow morning, or next week, next month – only time will tell. We’ll see.
Booking Time Out
Posted: Mon 5 February, 2018 Filed under: 2017/18, Depression, Do More, Domestic, Driving, Five Year Plan (now Ten), SAD, Single Life, Thoughts, Travel 1 Comment »At the end of 2017 (and of 2016, and of 2015 – I know, I know) I said about needing to take more time out, take some breaks from work and so on.
I am rotten at taking time off – it’s never been high on my driving factors, and really it just ends up being expensive, and me just spending time on my own somewhere else. And with all that, I find it way too easy to put off booking holidays and time away, it’s such a low priority that it always falls off the bottom of the list of things to do.
So this year, I’ve booked stuff already. I’ve got three breaks locked in, booked and paid for. One in February, one in May, and one in November.
It’ll be interesting to see, come the end of 2018, whether I feel better for having those breaks or not. I’m not sure, but I’m going to give it all a go, and find out.
Missing Time/Posts
Posted: Mon 22 January, 2018 Filed under: D4D™, Domestic, SAD Leave a comment »So we’re only three weeks into 2018, and already I’ve lost a week’s posts. Just didn’t do them – started stuff, but life and other stuff got in the way, so I’ve started the year by being crap. (Not that that’s anything unusual, but there we go) Sure, I could cheat and backdate some things, but that’s not really the way to go. I could, but I won’t.
It’s sort-of annoying, but at the same time it’s a result of being a) stupidly busy and b) that overall sense of Grey. Thankfully,the tail-end of last week involved some brighter days where blue sky was visible along with direct sunlight, and that’s helped a lot.
This year I don’t know that I’ll always keep to the posting routine – but I’ll do my best.
Anyway, here we go for the rest of the year, and let’s see how I do…
Grey Skies
Posted: Fri 12 January, 2018 Filed under: D4D™, Depression, Domestic, SAD, Weather 1 Comment »January is a funny old month in some ways – and particularly so when I look at how it affects my SAD and so on.
As usual, this January has been grey. Different degrees of grey admittedly, including some brighter/lighter grey days, and a fair bundle of darker ones.
Grey days are the ones that affect me the most, regardless of the degree. I find that a grey week with no sight of the sun really affects me – I still get out for fresh air and some daylight, but a few days without direct sunlight and it leaves me feeling far flatter and more tired than usual.
As it is, I’ve found more and more that I can deal with shorter days (although obviously I notice them, and they affect me) so long as they’re bright, and have sight of sunlight. The days now are getting longer – almost imperceptibly, but they are. But with this weeks lack of sun, it’s actually been a far tougher week to get through.
Hopefully the coming week will have more chances for some decent daylight.
Getting Longer
Posted: Fri 22 December, 2017 Filed under: Change, Depression, Domestic, SAD, Thoughts Leave a comment »Yesterday was the Winter Solstice – the Shortest Day (and, of course, the Longest Night) of 2017.
From here on, for the next six months, the days get longer again. Only by a few seconds per day, but it all adds up.
Honestly, the Winter Solstice is more important to me than the whole of the Festering Season.
So every year I’m happy to see it happen. The dark days are finite, even if they come round again next year.
Downtime(ish)
Posted: Mon 27 November, 2017 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Films, SAD, Thoughts Leave a comment »The weekend just gone ended up being a proper weekend “off”, and much needed. The last few weeks (well, months) have been pretty hectic, what with one thing and another. This weekend had been kind-of empty, but that also meant I’d booked stuff in.
I should’ve taken the hint though – a couple of weeks ago I cancelled off my first plan (a restaurant visit) because I just wasn’t feeling it, wasn’t looking forward to it, and where’s the fun in it when every single reaction to it is “blah”? So I sacked that off, and had made other plans, which then fell through a bit. No-one’s fault, just short-notice and other things already booked with the people in question. So I’d made a third plan, a day-trip to Manchester (travelling by train, so it was still semi-sensible, by my standards) which would’ve been fun – I haven’t been back to Manchester in a good eighteen months or so.
And then on Wednesday/Thursday I got an email making me aware that Manchester was going to be full of football stuff, plus a few other events, and I realised that actually I didn’t want that – and I particularly didn’t want that super-packed train home. Not in the mood for the people and the crowds, blah blah.
So I sacked it all off, admitted defeat (not quite the right word, but it’ll do for now) and stayed home. I still did a fair amount – sorted a bundle of domestic stuff, got rid of some things to the local tip, went to the cinema to watch a rubbish and easy-watching film on the Saturday, and then went out with local friends on the Sunday evening.
Basically, it was all enough to appease my brain’s nagging work ethic, but without doing much more than the bare minimum to appease it.
It was good – but also annoying, because I don’t actually feel any better for that quiet weekend. Maybe it’s a lost hope now, but I wanted to sleep, and to feel somewhat refreshed by the end of a peaceable and quiet weekend – but I don’t. I’m still tired, still feeling a bit blah about things, and just trying to figure shit out.
It was needed, but I kind-of wish it felt like I’d had more benefit out of it…
Already Taken
Posted: Wed 8 November, 2017 Filed under: 2017/18, Art, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Health, Sculpture, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »This morning I came across something that sounded really interesting – Yorkshire Sculpture Park are doing a “Room to Breathe : Four walks in four seasons” event, walking and talking around the park, similar to outdoor/walking therapy.
(Facebook event details here, which includes the dates and so on)
Then I looked on my phone at my diary. Oh cock.
So… despite the event being on four different dates through 2018 (right through to September) I’ve already got stuff booked in on each of them. All four, already taken. *sigh*
You know when I said that one of my targets for 2017/18 was to ‘do less’? Yeah, look how that’s already working out…
A Paucity of Postings
Posted: Sun 15 January, 2017 Filed under: Creativity, D4D™, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, SAD, Thoughts, Weather, Writing Leave a comment »Despite the best of intentions, this week’s been quiet here on D4D™.
Mainly, it’s because I’ve been absolutely snowed under with work, including beating the living hell out of databases – and cursing the clowns that wrote Microsoft Access, which is what I’ve been taking data out of and putting into something decent. One of these days I’d like to meet the people who created it, and ask just what the fuck was going through their minds when they made certain decisions.
Along the way, there’s been a whole bundle of other stuff, insomnia and the like, and well, it’s just January.
I have a hard time with January, for some reason. It’s part of the reason I don’t really make New Year’s Resolutions, because I know I’m never good with the start of the year. The thing is, I don’t really know why it’s such a tough one for me.
I’ve got my suspicions – and primarily it’s about preparation.
I know I get affected by autumn and winter, as the nights draw in and so on, and I can fight it for a long time. Then there’s the standard dislike of the Festering Season, which I’m ready for and can keep on fighting. But now we’re through all that, the days are getting longer, and we’re through the whole Christmas period.
This is where (I suspect) my problems kick in – the days are still short, even if they’re lengthening. It’s just not doing so quickly enough. This week in particularly has been pretty much solidly grey and overcast, with little to no sunlight coming through. And I’m just tired, with no real energy for continuing to fight the whole Seasonal thing.
It leaves me flat, tired and uninspired. It shouldn’t, in all sense, but regardless, it does.
So yeah, this week’s been more about downtime, about being tired and grey, and not really in the mood for doing much. I’ve got a fair amount of stuff in the coming week as well, which will help. But this week’s been a flat and down one. Such is life, and all that rot.
Seasonal Transitional
Posted: Fri 18 March, 2016 Filed under: Change, Depression, Domestic, Fog, Introspective, Sleep - or lack thereof, Thoughts, Weather Leave a comment »This time of year is hard for me. A lot of it is related to the change of the seasons, the transition between winter and spring/summer, the weather, and the resultant effect on my depression.
It’s weird, really. Through the winter, I expect the grey days and the lack of sunlight – it’s par for the course, and I’m used to handling it, fighting against depression and not wanting to go out. I get as much daylight as possible – currently helped by my office facing big windows, which maximises things, and walking at lunchtime – and basically just get through Winter the best I can.
Come spring though, things change. Days get longer, we have more hours of sunlight, and I know that the easier time is coming – but it’s not here yet. I’m tired from having kept the depression at bay all winter, and it hits me harder now as a result. I just don’t have the energy by now to keep on fighting with it. It’s the time when I completely lack motivation, and could happily stay in bed a lot longer, not wanting to get up.
I still do get up, and get things done. I make plans – not always conscious plans, but because I’m aware of the upcoming Glums, I make plans ahead of time, sometimes without realising just why I’m making them for that time. I still do stuff, and get on with it. But it’s definitely a lot harder than usual (as the actress said to the bishop) and a rough period.
It’s not helped by being (or at least feeling) greyer than usual. Yes, it’s getting light – but the last couple of weeks, it’s just been bright grey, with fairly thick mists and fogs most mornings. Again, a facet of the season, but one I find particularly tough to deal with. I’m OK with it being dark when I get up, I’m better with it being light and sunny when I get up. But this grey crap in between the two is just draining.
I’ll be OK. I’m used to this crap, and I can generally deal with it. I’m affected by it, but I won’t admit defeat to it.
Given a couple of weeks – usually once the clocks go forward at the end of the month – things will start to come back. But March is just a bit cruddy, with drained energy levels, and more blah than usual as a result.
Solsticial
Posted: Mon 21 December, 2015 Filed under: Depression, Festering Season, Health, SAD, Weather Leave a comment »Happily, today is the Winter Solstice for 2015 – the shortest day, the longest night. (technically it’s tomorrow at 4.20am, but traditionally it’s today, the 21st, so I’m sticking with that)
From here, the days get longer – and that’s always a good thing. I suspect the impact of it will be lessened this year, as we’ve had such a stunningly warm December anyway, whereas the impact is always greater when November and December have been consistently grey and crap.
The day’s won’t feel longer it for a while – the increase is only seconds until at least the new year – but just knowing that it’s happening is A Good Thing.
And once the Festering Season is over and done with, it’s all improvements from there.
Slowtime
Posted: Sat 21 March, 2015 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Driving, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »Following on from yesterday’s notes about being a bit flat/tired, I’m taking this weekend as being a bit slower, a bit calmer – well, by my standards, anyway.
Saturday is going to be a cinema-day. There’s a couple of things I want to see, the timings gel nicely, and the weather forecast is mediocre, so sod it, that’s the plan. An afternoon of cinema.
Sunday though is likely to be a bit sillier. Because all I want to do is curl up and do nothing, I’m going to do another day-trip. I’m unsure of exactly where yet – the main options being Reading, Whitstable or Brighton – but all are within a two-hour drive. I’m quite tempted by Whitstable, to go and sit by the sea and generally chill out a bit. I used to work near there many moons ago, so a bit of a revisit too. I did go back there a while back – although a site search has revealed that ‘a while back’ actually means 10 and a half years – so it’ll be interesting to see what’s changed (and what’s stayed the same) in that time.
And that’s the plan for a quiet weekend…
Flat (Again)
Posted: Fri 20 March, 2015 Filed under: 2015 vs 2014, Cynicism, Depression, Domestic, Finances, Health, SAD, Thoughts Leave a comment »It’s all been a bit quiet chez D4D™ – but I’m OK. The Bronchitis is pretty much gone, bar the odd cough – so that’s good.
I do still feel quite drained and flattened by it all, though – and I think that’s what’s finally coming through this week. I have to keep remembering that it’s only ten days since I finished the antibiotics, and that I’m still fighting off the remnants.
While this year’s been pretty good so far – and how the chuff are we nearly in April, for goodness’ sake? – it’s also been pretty manically busy with work and life, and I suspect that’s having a knock-on effect as well.
Basically, I’m tired, demotivated and just a bit flat. I really can’t be arsed – particularly with work. I’m still plodding through, but it’s an effort. Sleep is always an issue with me, but I am beginning to wonder if depression isn’t rearing it’s ugly head.
I don’t think it’s depression – but then, that’s what people say when they’re depressed. It’s not at vicious levels or anything, but I’m aware that I’m just all a bit Meh. Herself used to note that I was OK in Winter because I know I get hit by SAD , and so prepare myself for it – which means I’m less affected by it. However, then Spring comes along with longer days and more sunlight, and I relax, expecting to be doing better, and get sledgehammered by depression again when I’m not prepared for it instead. I don’t know if that’s valid – but it’s something that’s been bouncing round my head a bit this month.
I’m going to see how things go though. The current work situation only has three weeks left to run, at which point I’ve booked a break anyway. (Up to Edinburgh for a very chilled long weekend) Then we’ll see how things progress from there, I think.
At worst, at least I’m aware and conscious of it all, and will deal with it if necessary. At best, it’ll ease up once the current work stuff is dealt with, and things can progress again from there.
At the same time, I’m aware that I’m in a pretty decent situation and life is looking up, so maybe I’m more just worrying about stuff, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Time (as always) will tell.
Obsessional Issues
Posted: Mon 29 December, 2014 Filed under: 2014/15, Creativity, D4D™, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Time, Weigh Less, Write More, Writing 1 Comment »For the New Year, and as part of the whole “Write More” part of the resolutions etc., I’m trying hard to get back into writing – and other aspects of creativity – on a regular basis. (Which explains why D4D™ has become a bit more busy this month too!)
2014 hasn’t been a good year for my writing in general, although I have been able to get started on a couple of things in the last three months, and want to continue building those up, making progress.
The thing is, I’m not really good at the whole “writing obsessively” thing – or indeed doing anything obsessively. For whatever reason, I just don’t possess that obsessive section of brain/emotion. I’m a crap collector, because while I don’t mind building up sets of things, I don’t care/obsess enough about it all to get the rarities, the things that true collectors always dream of. It doesn’t matter whether that’s books, stamps, music, or anything else – I just don’t care enough to obsess about the rarities.
As a result, it’s work to write etc., and that’s what I’ve been attempting to build up over the last few months – generally successfully.
With D4D™ I’ve been writing more, but pre-dating some of them, so I’ve got the time. But it’s building up a writing routine.
In the same way, I’ve been forcing myself to get out and do walks round the village a couple of times a day, just to keep things moving, and to get some exercise. I do that whether the weather is good or bad – and actually enforce it more when the weather’s bad, because then I’ve no excuse when it’s good.
So I’m working more on building up routines, getting used to doing these tasks and activities, and making them part of the day. The writing is part of that, the things I have in my head to write this time round aren’t essential brain-splurges of healing ventage, they don’t *have* to be expelled from my brain for my own health and sanity.
I’m getting there, and 2015’s looking like it’ll be an interesting time…
Losing an Hour
Posted: Sun 26 October, 2014 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, SAD Leave a comment »And now – well, at 2am – the clocks go back, and we welcome GMT back into our live.
In some ways, I’m quite happy about this – mainly because my body clock has been absolutely knackered for the last few weeks, so with any luck this will help reset it.
Creativity Locked
Posted: Thu 29 May, 2014 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Health, Insomnia, Project 42, SAD, Words, Writing Leave a comment »Over the last couple of months, my creative side has felt like it’s completely locked up. I don’t particularly know why – although I suspect it’s linked to feeling constantly tired, burned out, and unwell.
After this weekend, I’m making some changes again – mainly employment stuff (of which a bit more tomorrow) but also a few life-based things.
With the new job, I’m aiming to limit myself to work-based stuff just in work hours. With the last couple of jobs they’ve been coming home with me, and it’s been sitting in my head. I suspect that’s been a mistake. It’s certainly put me in a position where a lot of the time I don’t even want to look at a computer while I’m at home – although again that may be down to also feeling depressingly run-down – so I’m currently hoping that if I limit myself a bit more workwise, I might have the time and inclination to do other stuff when I’m back at home.
It could also be that I’m going through a bit of a depression dump. It wouldn’t be the first time that I get affected like that once the days have started getting longer. I can deal with – and fight – the seasonal depression of long nights and grey days, but once the days get longer I lower my guard, lower my resistance, and sometimes it just hits hard for a while.
I’m hoping I’ll find some ways to reset myself a bit over the next couple of weeks, but we’ll see.
Shortest
Posted: Sat 21 December, 2013 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, SAD, Time, Weather 2 Comments »Today, December 21st, is this year’s Winter Equinox – the shortest day of the year. And about damn time too.
Today, the sun will be around for 7h 44m 14s , even if it doesn’t feel like it’s that long. Tomorrow’s only one second longer, but by the end of the year the sun will be setting after 4pm, and the day will already be five minutes longer, at 7h 49m 32s. It’s not much, but it’s an improvement.
In six months time, the day will be 16h 44m 24s, a full nine hours longer. I know that’s nothing in comparison to Tromsø (for example) where December is truly dark and June is completely lit.
All the same, knowing that today is the shortest day is a reason for celebration, and keck-all to do with the oncoming Festering Season.
Death of a Bankrupt
Posted: Fri 15 November, 2013 Filed under: 42-43, Bankruptcy, Depression, Domestic, Finances, News, Project 42, Thoughts Leave a comment »Since declaring myself bankrupt in August 2013, I’ve noticed it a lot more in the news. That’s not to say it’s in the news more (or even less) often, merely that I notice it, having been through that process.
So I found the story yesterday about the suicide of Paul Bhattacharjee to be very sad. From the evidence, it looks like he had been declared bankrupt, and killed himself as a result.
Of course, that wasn’t the entire cause – his widow said he was a “proud” man who had a “darkness inside him that was irreparable”.
‘The bankruptcy was the final straw after a life of major highs and lows’
From a personal side, I can absolutely understand the perceived ‘shame’ of bankruptcy – and probably more so when someone else has declared you bankrupt rather than it being a decision made by yourself. It’s had a stigma for a very long time – and again, it’s an understandable stigma. It’s about saying ‘I can’t afford to pay my debts’, and should never be treated lightly.
However, from my own experience, I don’t think it is The End. In many ways it’s a new start, as I’ve said before. There is a shame, a pain to go with the process – and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone without knowing their entire situation, or as anything except a last resort. It is emphatically not a quick fix, or a “get out of jail free” card.
But shameful? In these days of debt, loans, finance and borrowing? I don’t know that it’s as bad as it was even fifty years ago. It’s more commonplace certainly – although at the moment it appears that personal insolvencies and bankruptcies are falling (and have been since 2009)
(That graph comes from the Insolvency service, and is copyrighted to them)
I completely understand why someone would feel the stigma and shame of being declared bankrupt and feel the need to kill themselves as a result – and probably even more so when that person also already has a history and core of depression – but in many cases it is not The End. It is the end of the stress, the pain of being chased from pillar to post by creditors, the hassles of interest, mounting charges, and juggling finances, knowing that it’ll only take one tiny change or event to push you off the edge of the cliff.
It’s not an easy process – I know I’ve no intention of ever going through it again, and (as I’ve said already) I wouldn’t recommend it to people except as a final option. It is the death of many things, of the life you know, and sometimes of the things you have. It’s a loss, and as such perhaps is a thing to grieve, to regret, to learn from.
But what it also is, though, is a relief. A new start. An ability to rebuild your life from a stable foundation, to build everything back in a better, more stable – and a debt-free – manner. It’s a struggle, but it’s also a new life, if you allow it to be.
Self Doubt
Posted: Fri 25 October, 2013 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Introspective, Self-Doubt, Thoughts 2 Comments »Over the last two years or so, one thing I’ve noticed more and more is that I doubt myself far more than I ever used to.
Ten years ago, back when I was living in Manchester, I’d make a decision and stick with it – and sometimes those decisions wouldn’t work out, or they’d be based on flawed assumptions (god knows I made a fair few of those over the years) But most of the time they worked out, things grew from there, and I didn’t regret any of it. Again, sometimes mistakes were made – but they were based on what felt to be the best thing at the time. I did some truly idiot shit along the way – the ill-fated six month period of daily commuting round-trips by train between either Manchester and London, or Bath and London would probably be the lowest point in that particular theme. But I still did it – I’d made the decision to do so, and continue to do so, I reaped what I’d sowed and decided upon, and that was fine. (I pretty much had a breakdown at the end of it, but well, them’s the breaks)
Over the last decade though, that self-confidence (or at least confidence in one’s decisions) has been rocked a few times, and in some cases to the point of pretty much capsizing the entire damn thing. (I know, I’m kind of mixing metaphors. Live with it) And it’s had a lasting effect, which I’m not entirely pleased about. I’m still working on it, aiming to build back up on that, along with everything else.
I’m still OK on a lot of things – if I’ve said I’ll meet someone anywhere, I’ll do it. If it involves others, those decisions are solid, and it doesn’t matter what happens, I’ll do my damnedest to be where I said, when I said.
The real crux though is when it’s something involving just me. It doesn’t have to be travel, or an event, it can be anything really. (The Peter Gabriel gig this week being a case in point) Because it’s only me doing it, my brain can descend into a spiral of second-guessing itself, a whole range of “Do I want to go?” internal questions, a bundle of “What If”s, “Yeah But”s, and “Well…”s. I hate it, it annoys me so much. I’ve decided to do something, I want to just go on and do it. It’s the run-up, the cue time, the delays that bring about the doubts. [NOTE : When I talk about internal conversations, I’m not meaning ‘voices in my head’ as such, or any other inclement sign of madness]
I don’t know what’ll fix it – or even if anything will. I’m working on rebuilding it, on knowing that when I’ve decided to do something, it’s the right thing to do – even if it turns out, with hindsight, to have been fucking stupid. But sometimes at the moment it’s easier to give in to the self-doubt, to let it win, to take the easier and quieter route – which is, for me, most definitely the road less travelled.
Sometimes I think I’ve fought for so long, battled everything about myself and my life for so long, maybe I’m just tired of fighting for a while.
[NOTE – having read that last bit back, and realised alternative interpretations, this does not mean I’m giving in/up, or aiming to do anything stupid.]
30 Things
Posted: Mon 20 August, 2012 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Change, Depression, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Introspective, People, Thoughts 4 Comments »via Blue Witch , I came across Black Dog Tribe‘s “30 things to stop doing to yourself“. It’s a great list – I think probably most people don’t do all of them, but most do some of them, at least.
I’ve copied it here for posterity, and so I can come back to it when I want/need to. It’s particularly relevant for me at the moment, with all the other stuff that’s going on, so I hope it helps others too.
- Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
- Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living — to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
- Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
- Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
- Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
- Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
- Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
- Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
- Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
- Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
- Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
- Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
- Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen — in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
- Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
- Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
- Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: ‘What’s something I have that everyone wants?’
- Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
- Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, ‘What you did to me is okay’. It is saying, ‘I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.’ Forgiveness is the answer- let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
- Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
- Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
- Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
- Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
- Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
- Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
- Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either — cry if you need to — it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
- Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility — you give others power over that part of your life.
- Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
- Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: ‘Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?’ If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
- Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
- Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
Enjoy.
Weekender
Posted: Mon 23 July, 2012 Filed under: Depression, Domestic Leave a comment »A quietish weekend, in the end – which seems to be par for the course at the moment. Not that I’m complaining. Work is leaving me with an absolute headfull of stuff by the end of the week, so decompression time is becoming a valuable commodity.
Friday night, I came home post-work (and having had a drink with some colleagues afterwards) with a blinding headache that left me sitting in a darkened room, not even really bothering with TV. I won’t say it was a migraine, because it wasn’t, but it drained me the same way they used to.
Saturday was more domestic, getting stuff done. I could/ should do it during the week, but sometimes, well, I don’t. This weekend was one where I hadn’t.
Saturday afternoon/evening was a bit down. Some of it was lingering bleh from the headache the night before, some of it was just an all-over bleh. I could’ve gone out, but didn’t really want to. I felt flat, tired, and generally just a bit shit. One of those things, but all the same, not a great deal of fun.
Sunday was much better. A sunny day, which always helps, so I went out, walked a fair section round one of the local lakes, and went to see the new Batman film in the evening.
All good…
Current State
Posted: Sun 24 June, 2012 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Thoughts Leave a comment »One question that came up this week, following on from a couple of posts here, was “Am I depressed?” (Well, technically “Are you depressed?”, but that makes less sense when written here)
It made me think a bit, but really the honest answer is “No, no more than usual”. I’m nowhere near as bad as I have been, that’s for sure – I don’t feel the need for going back on anti-depressants or anything. (Probably a good thing, as I’ve not moved GP yet – must make a note to do that this week)
I’m pretty functional – but then, I always have been, even on my worst days – although motivation is still pretty dog-shit.
What I am though, rather than depressed, is just so, so tired.
I’ll figure things out, I know. But I hope to find some energy first in order to get them figured out.
Hidden Messages
Posted: Thu 1 March, 2012 Filed under: 1BEM, Cynicism, Depression, Domestic, People, Thoughts Leave a comment »Recently I’ve noticed a similar ‘message’ in at least two songs on Radio 1‘s current playlist. I know, I’m way outside the target demographic for R1, and blah blah, but I just can’t bring myself to switch to either Radio 2, or some godawful commercial hunk of crap.
Anyway.
First is Lana Del Rey’s “Video Games”…
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Second is Nervo’s “We’re all no-one”
We’re all no one ’til someone thinks that we’re someone
‘Til then we’re no one
Notice the similarity?
In both cases, supposedly there’s nothing good in the world, unless we’re with someone else.
And that really pisses me off.
Coming Off
Posted: Wed 18 May, 2011 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Health, Thoughts 7 Comments »Last week, I made the decision to stop taking the Citalopram. It hasn’t done much for me in the year I’ve been taking it – other events have had far more effect on depression, motivation etc. than the anti-depressants have. I’ve also found that they have a nasty levelling side-effect, making me not care more than when I wasn’t taking them. (By that I mean that everything was just same-same in my head, there were no real highs – or, admittedly, lows – and it all became a bit blah, nothing provoking any form of reaction)
Additonally, the anti-depressants just didn’t seem to really work for me. There were still Bad Days on them, but there weren’t really any Good Days- things more levelled out to Just OK Days. (or Blah Days) My motivation didn’t shoot up – indeed most of the time it seemed to be harder to be motivated, because well, what was the point? I wasn’t Depressed, but more Couldn’t Be Bothered.
So, I’ve come off completely them. It’s not the method advised by GPs, but I don’t have the time, tolerance or inclination to do a “gradual withdrawal”. If the withdrawal side-effects were to become really bad (not that I expect them to) then I have a new box ready to be started. But I doubt it’ll be that bad.
Weirdly, the worst time (so far) for being off them seems to be early evening, when my head begins to feel a bit wooly, a bit floaty, not really all that level. It’s not debilitating or unpleasant – just a weird sensation.
I don’t miss the Citalopram.
I don’t know what’s next. I’m going to go back to wanting to do things, and then to trying to find ways to motivate myself to do them. So far that seems to be OK. I’m not perfect – thankfully I’ve never claimed to be – and I do have issues with motivation, or at least Getting Things Done.
I’ll still work on the motivation and so on – I’ve still got the ideas and plans, but need to bring them out into the world – but I don’t think it’s actually necessarily related to depression.
And when all’s said and done, I’d rather have the ups and downs of life, depression and whatever else, instead of the flat day-to-day numbness of Citalopram.
The 2010/11 List
Posted: Tue 9 November, 2010 Filed under: 2010/11, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Thoughts 1 Comment »In my “What’s Next?” list, I said that one of my targets would be to get off the anti-depressants, and a commenter said that should be first thing on the list.
In some ways I agree, although it’s not strictly realistic. I saw my GP last week, and discussed my dislike (OK, utter loathing) of taking these pills. But at the same time even I have to acknowledge that they’ve done me some good.
Anyway, the GP recommends staying on them for another 3-4 months, which is what I’ll do. It takes me over the hump of the Festering Season, and into 2011. After that, well, see how it goes.
That seems like the best plan for now, anyway.
Breaking Point
Posted: Sun 24 October, 2010 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Introspective, Norfolk, People, Thoughts 14 Comments »Roughly this time last month, life came to a bit of a crunch point. I haven’t written much about it so far – and won’t write much more about it after this – but a number of things bubbled up at the same time, and I feel it’s worth adding in some thoughts with a bit of hindsight etc. I’m not going to be going into the whys and wherefores of any of it.
Basically, I had a bit of a breakdown. Going home on the Thursday night plunged me into a huge dollop of depression, which isn’t exactly great at the best of times. I thought I could get over it, that it was a “bad day” thing, but the next day was actually worse, to the extent that I simply couldn’t face going home for the weekend. It was a real physical reaction, that I just couldn’t do it. So instead I went away for the weekend- went back to the house, sorted things there, got some clothes, and left again. I didn’t even wait for Herself to come home- I sent her a text message to let her know what I was doing.
I’m not proud of myself for that, not even slightly. It was completely unfair, unreasonable, and downright shitty. There are no excuses, no glossing over it – it was an utterly unutterably crappy thing to do to anyone, let alone a partner of five years, a friend of twenty years.
What it was, though, was a way to survive. If I’d stayed there for the weekend, I don’t honestly know what would’ve happened, or where I’d have ended up. Some people have called what I did cowardly – and fair enough, maybe it was. I can’t say I was honestly in my right mind. But at that point, where you physically and mentally can’t face going back somewhere, I don’t think “being in one’s right mind” is ever going to happen.
Again, I’m not proud of what I did. It had to happen, but I should’ve/could’ve done it one hell of a lot better.
So a lot’s changed since then, and I’m working on all the necessary changes. I don’t know how they’ll work out, I don’t know how any of it will work out. But I’m not going to put myself in that situation again if I can possibly help it.
[Comments on this post are now closed]
Upping the Dosage
Posted: Fri 10 September, 2010 Filed under: Depression, Domestic 3 Comments »Having been on these bloody anti-depressants for a few months now (since 15th April, it turns out – so five months already) it was time today to go and see the GP for a review.
For me, while they’ve done some good, the Citalopram dosage I’m currently on hasn’t been enough – I still have more bad days than good, and do get locked in to depression for periods of time.
So I’ve now ended up getting the dosage doubled. According to the GP, there “shouldn’t” be any extra side-effects just for upping the dosage – which was worthy of a raised eyebrow, needless to say – but we’ll see what happens.
Drawing In
Posted: Mon 6 September, 2010 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Norfolk Leave a comment »Yet again it’s that time of the year where I really notice the nights drawing in.
A seemingly short while ago, there was light in the sky ’til 10pm or so, and the chickens didn’t get put away ’til then.
Tonight they were in their coop and all locked up by half eight. Soon it’ll be seven, six, and they’ll be away before I’m even back from work.
Winter’s coming.
Writing, Script Frenzy, Etc
Posted: Fri 23 April, 2010 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Script Frenzy, The '10 Writing Project, Thoughts, Writing Leave a comment »While I don’t look like I’ll be anywhere near completing the Script Frenzy project of 100 pages of script in April, I have at least started off an idea.
I’m not going to go into too much detail on it here, but even being able to have started it is (in some ways at least) more than I actually expected to happen.
I don’t know whether it’s related to the taking of the anti-depressants – I don’t think it has as they’re not really supposed to have built up to a usable/viable level til somewhere in the middle of next week – but equally they may have worked faster, or it may be a psychosomatic thingummywhatsit. Whatever though, I actually did sit down and write the first couple of pages.
It’s a start.
I do plan to continue with it, even once the Script Frenzy thing has closed up shop for another year. What I wanted was an excuse to start – no, not an excuse, a reason to start – writing something. I don’t know yet whether I’ll complete it – the idea’s a good one, but it might fizzle out, I have to be honest. Still, we’ll see.
And I’d rather have something started than for it all to still be just in my head. So I’m measuring little successes along the way. And for now that’s enough, when combined with all the other stuff that’s going on.
Antidepressed
Posted: Thu 15 April, 2010 Filed under: 2009/10, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Health, Introspective, Thoughts, Writing 2 Comments »A couple of weeks back I wrote about making an appointment to see the doctor about depression, lack of motivation, lack of drive etc. etc. I didn’t – and still don’t – want to ask for help, but I know that in my current state I have/had to.
Yesterday was the day of the appointment. 7am and I’m at the doctors. That’s never going to be the start of a good day…
Anyway, I talked through some of the stuff with the GP – who’s extremely wet and wanky, but means well. Better than being completely useless I suppose. But you never really get the impression he could give much of a damn one way or t’other. I suppose that’s one of the risks of being a GP though.
And now I’ve got a prescription for Citalopram, an SSRI anti-depressant. I’m going to take them, and see how things go.
I’m not happy about being on these pills, but I’m at the point where I know that I need something to break the cycle/spiral I’ve got into. This is the first step in that process. Well technically it’s the third step, I suppose- the first one was acknowledging I’m in that cycle at all, and the second was doing something about it by going to the GP.
I don’t like the thought of being reliant on pills or medication – I’m crap at even taking painkillers unless I really need them.
Also I can’t help but wonder what I’ll be like on anti-depressants. I’ve been living with depression for such a long time now, I wonder what changes there’ll be if it’s not around. It’ll be interesting to find out, anyway.
Light Bed
Posted: Fri 8 May, 2009 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Health, Technology 1 Comment »Recently, we’ve been trying out a weird alarm clock that also replicates the rising of the sun, so it’s “full daylight” when the alarm sounds. It doesn’t do much (if anything) for me, but Herself is finding it pretty useful for the way her body works.
And in related items, today I came across the LOMME bed which is pretty much the same concept writ large. The LOMME (Light Over Matter Mind Evolution) is a pod-bed, and has a built in light-box alarm as well as making use of other light colours etc.
It’s pretty cool – in a “What the fuck?” kind of way – but I’m pretty sure it would be massive overkill for us…
FAIL
Posted: Thu 19 March, 2009 Filed under: D4D™, Depression, Domestic Leave a comment »Shit (boring, dull, utterly pointless) day, followed by terminal sense-of-humour failure.
Back tomorrow.
Time Padding
Posted: Thu 26 February, 2009 Filed under: Creativity, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Introspective, Thoughts 2 Comments »Over the last two (nearly 2½) years, I’ve been banging on about my five-year plan, and the work that’s been going into it. The project is still going on, but I think I may need to add a year to it. That’s annoying to me – it means that I get it done by the time I turn 41 instead of 40 (and fuck me, does that really mean I’m going to be 40 in 2½ years? Shit) and thus lose some of the nice roundedness of the idea. It also means that I don’t live up to the ‘five-year’ part of the title.
The thing is, since the inception of the plan, there’ve been things going on that have delayed some of the work I planned on doing. The house purchase – and the ongoing work on the house – has had a significant effect on some of the plans, as we’ve been doing one hell of a lot that wasn’t really in the initial plan as such. Yes, they’re in the original set of planned tasks – but I wasn’t realistic about how long they’d take, or how much work would be involved.
So that’s one thing that’s kind of superceded other plans.
But the other one has been far sneakier, and far harder to get to grips with. It’s one I’m familiar with (and it’s mentioned in the categories up there) but that I don’t always see without some hindsight. Yes, I’m referring (of course) to Ye Olde Depression. Again.
I still don’t know if I’ve actually been fully depressed – but I do know that for the last eighteen months or so my motivation has been pretty much non-existent. The ideas have still been there, and some things have sparked some desire to work on them, but the real motivation to work just hasn’t. I’ve let things drift, or not started them at all. OK, the bits for this year are coming on, and there’s a couple that can be checked off, I still feel like I’m lagging behind.
I’m working on it – things this year have started off OK, and the motivation appears to be on its way back – but right now I’m not sure whether to add a year to the target, or leave it as it stands for now, and just see how I do.
I suspect that for now it might be the latter plan – I’d rather do the five years and see where I am at that point, to be honest – but it’s something that’s worth thinking about as time goes on. I’ll most likely review it come November, when there’s only two years left on the list.
But of course any ideas or suggestions are welcome in the meantime…
Transform
Posted: Mon 23 February, 2009 Filed under: Creativity, Depression, Photography, Thoughts Leave a comment »via Chromasia, I found Zack Arias‘ piece called “Edit: Transform“.
It’s awesome.
There’s just no other word for it. Spend six minutes of your life watching the video. It’s worth it.
Goals
Posted: Tue 17 February, 2009 Filed under: D4D™, Depression, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Own Business, The '09 Writing Project, Thoughts, Writing Leave a comment »Yesterday, in a comment on the post about colour-schemes for D4D™, Gordon wrote :
Step back a minute.
Why do you have this blog? What do YOU want from it?
Which seemed like a pretty good starting point for a post, to be honest.
1. Why do you have this blog?
There’s a number of reasons, but the main one will always come out as “Because I wanted to see if I could“. Over the years, I’ve had many many projects that I’ve started up, got about 75-80% of the way through, or even all the way to launch, and then got bored and not completed them. (or not continued putting energy into them) There was always something new to try, something else to work on.
D4D™ was a way to combat that. It was an ongoing project, sure – but it’s been one I’ve kept on with now for six-and-a-bit years. Maybe it’ll fade out at some point – the odds are that it will – but it’s kept going, kept me going, and I haven’t just faded off with it. Sure, it’s nowhere even close to what I envisioned when I started – them’s the breaks – but it’s kept on happening.
Also, it was a way to get me back into regular writing. Not necessarily about anything – even a quick trawl through the archives will easily show there’s no consistent theme to any of this rubbish – but to be posting at least one piece per day, every day. Years back I’d written two book-length stories as well as an absolute shed-load of shorter/smaller stuff (some of which is utterly cringeworthy now, but some of it still works to one degree or other) but they were fuelled by depression and a need for catharsis on certain experiences. Between then – about 1995 or so – and 2002 when D4D™ came on the scene, I hadn’t written a damn thing. Since then, some 750,000 words – and it must be coming up to the 800,000 mark by now – have gone through D4D™.
Of course, at some point I want to be doing more “proper” writing, as I’ve mentioned before. So at that point, D4D™ will either mutate once more, or get put on hold. Or some weird bastard-child intersection of those two things. Or something else entirely.
2. What do YOU want from it?
Now that one’s a bit harder. I don’t really know what I want from D4D™ – other than to be a braindump space, where I can splurge out some of the things and thoughts that keep on happening. It’s a healthy venting spot for my more cynical moments, but it’s bugger-all use for the more creative stuff I want to be working on.
I suppose I could add a different section to D4D™ now that a lot of the other stuff has gone The Way Of The Bin, which deals with the bigger stuff, or even get back to doing a “Page” for a longer piece every so often. (That’s what I would do with the old rants etc. anyway, should they ever make a comeback) Or I could just have a different site for that writing stuff. I don’t know yet.
So I suppose what I want from D4D™ is to maintain a status quo, to allow me to keep on writing – with no aim of becoming BWABD (Blog With A Book Deal) or anything other than just that general dumping ground for whatever’s going on in my brain at the moment. Or at least whatever’s going on in my brain that is a) not related to other sites/writing and b) not related to the multitudinous other business ideas etc that are forever battering round the brain cells.
In fact, I think that’s what the aim will be for now – to let the site keep on going, to keep it doing the same kind of things it has for the last six years.
Of course, that means that I’ve got an open hand when it comes to colour schemes etc. – but for now that’s going to stay the same too, and the yellow will remain as a reminder of the reasons why D4D™ came into being at all…
Getting Longer
Posted: Sun 21 December, 2008 Filed under: Depression, Domestic Leave a comment »Now we’re past the Winter Solstice, at least the days will be getting longer. It might not feel like it, but it’s happening – slowly but surely.
Getting Darker
Posted: Fri 12 December, 2008 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Thoughts 1 Comment »Within the next two weeks, we’ll get past not only the Festering Season, but also the Winter Solstice. And that means that the days will then start getting longer again – which is always a good thing.
In fairness, the Solstice always means more to me than the Festering Season anyway. (I know, that’s no shock to anyone here)
Interestingly though, so far this year I don’t appear to have been overly prone to the Seasonal Depressions, which again is A Good Thing®. I’m normally very susceptible to the old Seasonal Depressions – again, as regular readers well know – but for whatever reason, this year they don’t appear to have kicked in all that much.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still prone to very bad days (and sometimes weeks) but I’m nowhere near the prolonged State Of Glum that was the usual. This last week has, for me, been a particularly hard one – but that’s more down to my dislike of people than down to the weather/light/colour of sky.
I don’t know if I’ll fall foul of the Seasonals this year now (for this post could almost be seen as tempting fate) but we’ll see.
Regardless, I’ll be happier come the 23rd to know that the nights will be getting shorter again, and then come Jan 2nd when all this Festering Shit will be properly over with for another year. Once all that’s done, things should improve anyway.
Remember, Remember
Posted: Wed 5 November, 2008 Filed under: Cynicism, Depression, Domestic 6 Comments »Shit, I’m thirty-fucking-seven.
Blimey.
Cutting Out Diet Coke
Posted: Wed 11 June, 2008 Filed under: Depression, Health 3 Comments »I promise, I’m not going to turn into some kind of anti-Diet-Coke evangelist now that I’ve cut it out myself. Honest.
However, I did notice today via Bitful a couple of interesting articles…
- A short piece from the Guardian of a committed dietcokeaholic (hmm, can’t identify with that at all) who cut out fizzy drinks for a month – he felt so good from that, he hasn’t gone back to them yet
- Coca-Cola is phasing out a controversial additive that has been linked to damage to DNA and hyperactivity in children. (It’s a link to the Daily Mail <spit> I’m afraid, but there we go – they’re who had the story
- A story in the Ecologist : “Far from being the healthy drink implied by its sports sponsorships, Diet Coke is a worrying cocktail of neurotoxic and potentially carcinogenic chemicals”
So there we go, more grist for the mill of stopping (and not going back to) drinking Diet Coke®.
Predictions
Posted: Sat 5 January, 2008 Filed under: Cynicism, Depression 3 Comments »On a highly cynical note, now that she’s lost custody of her sons as well how long do you reckon it’ll be before Britney Spears
- Has a(nother) breakdown?
- Attempts suicide?
- Announces her ‘retirement’?
Twelve Months
Posted: Mon 31 December, 2007 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Introspective Leave a comment »It occurred to me recently that I hadn’t written much about depression of late – and there’s been a number of reasons for that. Anyway, it seems as good a time as any to do it, what with 2008 being just round the corner and so on.
In a lot of ways, 2007 has been quite a tough year for me – there’s been a lot of work going on, but I’ve found myself prone to occasional deep bouts of blah, where all motivation and interest fall out the window. Some of it has been due to sheer workload throughout the year – in the last year we’ve bought a house, (and all the fun that entailed) done a load of work on it, moved in, continued working on it, worked in/on the garden, and made a whole bundle of alterations. (Of which there’ll be even more in 2008) At the same time, while I’ve stayed working for the same primary place all year (again, something that will change in ’08) I’ve also worked on a whole range of other sites and so on privately. So overall the workload has been pretty high.
But the thing that’s hit me the hardest, oddly enough, has been the weather. While we had a couple of decent months early in the year with lots of warmth and sunlight, the rest of the year really hasn’t lived up to the initial promise, and it seems to have been predominantly grey and grotty – which has a major effect on my levels of depression and so on. May/June in particular were tough, as I don’t think we had one decent day in that time, and it hit me seriously hard. The rest of the year has been a bit better, but not by much.
How can I tell? Because autumn and winter haven’t really had any noticeable effect on my levels of blah – they’re already way down, so the change is nowhere near as significant as it has been in other years.
There’ve been other bits along the way as well, but over all it’s just been a bit of a grind to get through this year. All I can do is hope that 2008 is at least slightly easier to get through, or at least that the weather’s better, and so I can deal with some of it via the power of sunlight.
Solstice
Posted: Fri 21 December, 2007 Filed under: Depression 2 Comments »Today is the best day of the year (in some ways) for all those who suffer from SAD. It’s the shortest day of the year, so while today isn’t great in itself, what it does mean is that after today the days start getting longer again, which is always a good thing.
(Note : Technically the moment of solstice is tomorrow at 06:08 but I can’t be chuffed with that, it’s the shortest day that’s important, and that’s either today or tomorrow – I usually remember it as the 21st of the month, though)
So yes, happy Solstice.
Seasonal?
Posted: Sat 14 July, 2007 Filed under: Depression, Introspective Leave a comment »From the perspective of seasonal depression, this year has been decidedly odd. I know I’m badly affected in winter, when I don’t get enough sunlight, and I work fairly hard to make sure that I get out as much as possible during the (very few) daylight hours in order to alleviate the depression symptoms as much as possible.
However, I’ve also noticed this year that I’ve been affected quite a lot by the constant grey overcast skies. It’s not rocket science – hell, in hindsight it’s pretty fucking obvious why I was affected this way – but all the same I hadn’t figured it out ’til recently. Sure, I’ve known I’ve been fairly depressed, that my motivation and inspiration levels were well down on usual, but I couldn’t figure out why.
Of course, now that we’re back into some weather that actually bears a resemblance to summer (in that at least it’s not grey and overcast all day) I’m beginning to feel better again. So I’ve definitely been affected by the last six weeks or so of consistent grey skies and rainfall.
Hardly a surprise, I suppose. Well, with hindsight, anyway. At the time it was strange, and I just couldn’t figure it out. Still, I’ll know for the future…
Weight Loss
Posted: Sun 18 March, 2007 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Health, House Purchase 3 Comments »When I had my medical a couple of weeks back, (which reminds me, I really must write about what fuckwit scumbags Friends Provident areHell, and most people who read D4D™ on any kind of regular basis) know, I’m never going to qualify as a lightweight. Or even a middleweight. Unless I opt for at least a double-amputation, I will always be large, and heavy. It’s unavoidable.
Back at the start of ’06, I did lose a fair amount of weight, admittedly – about three or four stone. I felt a lot better for it, and I managed to keep most of it off. But when the doctor weighed me, I was 21 stone. (That’s about 133kg, for the metric among you) Nowhere near what I used to be (roughly 24 stone) but heavier than I’d expected to be, if I’m honest.
So when all’s said and done, yes, I know I should lose some of that, and at some point I probably will. But right now, I’m just at a point where I can’t be chuffed to do it. Some of it is down to the entirely crap experiences with Holmes Place at the arse-end of last year, which has left me with a pretty negative perspective on the entire fitness, gym, and health-club thing.
Some of it is down to the way everything else in life is going at the moment as well. In short, it’s chaotic – there’s the move, the house-purchase, the wondering what to do next when it comes to work (of which more later in the week) and more importantly the where of that work, and it all just puts the gym and weight-loss things into perspective at the ‘lalalalalala-can’t hear you’ end of the spectrum.
But really, when all’s said and done, and if I’m being completely honest, at the moment I just can’t be bothered with it. I’ve no heavy motivation to lose the weight, and I’m having trouble finding any motivations. Again, if I’m honest, I’m not actually looking all that hard, either.
Even the life insurance and so on that caused me to hae the medical in the first place isn’t a sufficient motivator – at the end of the day, when they decide my premium should go up because I’m a fat bastard, that’s what the premium will be. They won’t change it in a couple of years time, if I’ve lost the weight. Even if I baffled medical science and dropped down to my so-called ideal weight of 13.5 stone, the premium wouldn’t change. I’d still be paying fat-bastard-rate, regardless. Hardly a motivator, is it?
Desperate
Posted: Thu 22 February, 2007 Filed under: Cynicism, Depression, Domestic 2 Comments »(Kind of following on from my earlier post about programmes, cancellations and the like.)
Oh dear God, no, please.
[TV Show ‘Desperate Housewives”] creator Marc Cherry has just signed a four-year deal with US TV network ABC, ensuring the future of the suburban comedy series.
Trade paper Variety reports that the key members of the cast, including Teri Hatcher and Felicity Huffman, will remain with the programme as long as Cherry is involved.
The writer indicated that the show would end in 2011, saying: “I think that at the end of my deal and after seven seasons it will be a good time to call it quits.
As if it hadn’t already become dire enough, another four years?!?
Fuck me dead, there’s just no justice in the world.
Daylight
Posted: Wed 7 February, 2007 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Travel Leave a comment »Over the last couple of weeks, its been really noticeable the way the days are getting longer, and brighter again.
I’m no longer travelling to work in darkness, and when I leave the office to come home there’s still some light in the sky – and that’s only going to keep on improving over the next few months. I’m enjoying the daily commute more now, although sometimes it can be very distracting, being able to see outside, the fields, the woods, and the animals that populate them.
I particularly love seeing the unexpected – a flash of movement in the peripheral vision can become a fox or deer when I focus on it.
But really it’s just having more sunlight that lifts my mood, and makes me happier.
Seasonal
Posted: Thu 23 November, 2006 Filed under: Depression, Festering Season, Thoughts Leave a comment »Over the last couple of days (well, this week, really) I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been, and the stuff that’s been going on in my head.
I know that my motivation has been rock-bottom for a lot of the last two months, and that there’s a lot of stuff I could’ve done (perhaps even should’ve) but I just didn’t get round to it. I’ve actually preferred going back to the B&B, and – if I’m honest – really not doing much.
Of course, that’s still my version of “not doing much”, as opposed to anyone else’s version. I’ve still started an OU course, written loads of stuff for D4D™, put together two websites, written some snippets of code to help out other people, and gone through the jus of debugging those snippets when the recipients had NumptyMoments®, (I’m not going to name names – they know who they are!) written a butt-load of emails, sorted out various other odds and sods, written letters, and generally caught myself up on a fair number of things.
But still, I know that deep inside me, it’s been unproductive in a lot of ways – there’s a lot more I could’ve done, anyway- and that instead I’ve wanted to be curled up in my room/cave/whatever, rather than going out into the big wide world.
It’s no bad thing, in general. And I know that I’ve also needed the down-time. The first two-thirds of this year have not been great, and I’ve needed recovery time from all that crap.
But equally I do think – with perfect hindsight – that the old Seasonal Depression has caught up with me a lot this year as well, and I can now see/feel the effects of that too.
Once we’ve done the move, I’m hoping that things wil settle down a bit, and I can get on with some stuff. That’s the plan, anyway.
But more than anything else I think it’s just that I’m going to have to keep an eye on that old SAD this year. It’s been a couple of years since it’s really hit me, but I’m beginning to think that this year will be the one where it returns…
Autumnal
Posted: Wed 25 October, 2006 Filed under: Depression, Thoughts Leave a comment »Outside my window at the office is a tree that’s had gorgeous red leaves since I started here.
This week, all those leaves have suddenly disappeared, and now the view is of grey buildings on the other side of the road, rather than the bright red leaves. This is Sad Thing.
All of a sudden it seems like everything has gone “Fucking hell, it’s October! When the hell did that happen?” – all the leaves have started falling, the sky has been dull and grey, and the weather keeps on going back to the “wet and windy” October default.
Yes, Autumn has suddenly appeared with a vengeance.
Another Snapper Snaps
Posted: Tue 4 April, 2006 Filed under: Depression, Photography 1 Comment »RIP Bob Carlos-Clarke, one of the more influential photographers of the last few decades.
You might not know the name, but his images were fairly well known.
SAD
Posted: Wed 16 November, 2005 Filed under: Depression, Thoughts 3 Comments »It’s a long time since I’ve written anything about Seasonal depression – in fact, having checked, the last post tagged with the “Depression” category was way back in December last year. So I guess that’s a pretty good sign that all’s been going OK.
Over the last couple of weeks, the closing in of nights and mornings has really affected me again. In general we’ve been so busy that I honestly hadn’t noticed it creeping up, but Herself pointed it out last night, and yeah, it’s true.
I feel flatter than I have in ages, mentally and physically exhausted, and just generally blah. The flip-side of that, though, is that I’m starting to get a lot of creative ideas – which is, for me, another sign of the SAD leeching its way into my head. For some reason while I’m still flat and tired the creative juices flow, which is a bit paradoxical as half the time I’ve got the idea and can’t be arsed to do anything about it.
I’d thought I was doing OK this year, actually. (And in a way I am – it’s midway through November before it’s started to hit) While I’m at work I sit by a window, so I should get a fair amount of light from that. At lunch-time I tend to go out and sit outside whenever possible. I haven’t set up daylight bulbs at home this time, which is possibly something I’ll have to look at for next year – but the problem there is that you can’t get eco-friendly daylight bulbs. (or at least, I haven’t found them anywhere yet)
So – I don’t know what else will happen this year with the SAD. If I can keep it at this level then that’ll be a small battle won, and will be A Good Thing. I’m aware of it again now, so I’ll just have to see how things go.
Art for All
Posted: Sun 12 December, 2004 Filed under: Depression, General Leave a comment »I love the story today about Mad for Arts, which according to the BBC story is designed to enable people with experience of mental illness to express themselves through art.
It’s always been said that those with mental illnesses can sometimes be more in touch with their own creative side, and if it helps to express those feelings and thoughts in a ceative and non-destructive way then I think the initiative deserves all the coverage and publicity it can get.
New rules
Posted: Mon 6 December, 2004 Filed under: Depression, News Leave a comment »At long last, I’m pleased to see that GPs are to be given new guidelines about the prescription of anti-depressants such as Seroxat and Prozac. Way back in March 2001 I wrote about the side-effects of the SSRI group of anti-depressants, which were supposedly side-effect free.
Of course, the manufacturers still say “there are less side-effects with these than with previous anti-depressants”, but that’s not quite the same as “no side effects at all”, is it?
Anyway, with luck the new guidelines will see a significant reduction in prescriptions from the current 13 million per year.
Antisocial
Posted: Sun 5 December, 2004 Filed under: Depression Leave a comment »If all were well with the world, this would be a deeply pissed post with letters astray everywhere, and not really much in the way of a thought-train. It’s 2.35am, and I’ve been out drinking (slowly but steadily, although according to the government it’d be seen as a “binge drinking session”) since 2.30pm. To coin a phrase, “oops”.
However, all’s obviously not right with the world. I’m worryingly sober, despite a rather copious amount of alcohol consumed. I wasn’t completely in the mood, and the supposed “send off”, (considering this is my last weekend in Manchester while resident here) while it’s been fun, hasn’t been quite the booze-fuelled chaos it could’ve been.
I don’t know why, but it’s just not clicked yet that I’m moving on. Well, that’s not true – it’s clicked in all the relevant ways, it’s just that I don’t really do “send off”s and the like, same as I don’t really do leaving parties and all that shite.
Yes, there’s a feeling of “Oh, blimey, this is my last official ‘night out’ in the city centre” kind of thing, but I don’t do that all that often anyway. Particularly in the last six months, but more accurately in the last eighteen, I’ve hardly been here of a weekend anyway. “Home” has been four walls within which my stuff resides, and my clothing gets washed and dried. “Home” in my heart has been – well, somewhere else. Where? Pass. But not here.
And now the time to move on is approaching – and doing so at speed. I’m looking forward to it – moving has always been the time when I feel most comfortable, rather than the “putting down roots” phase, although maybe that’s due to happen a bit in ’05.
For now though it’s time for bed, and I’ll write more and think more tomorrow later and see where I go from there. But yes, for now it’s bed, and being worryingly sober about the entire thing…