Non-Emergency
Posted: Mon 20 September, 2021 Filed under: Customer Services, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Health, Introspective, Milton Keynes, Thoughts Leave a comment »Back in early 2021, I did something stupid to my knee – still no idea what – which I didn’t take overly seriously. It was sore enough that I did use a knee brace – particularly overnight – but it didn’t incapacitate me or anything.
Anyway, it turns out that the brace is quite possibly the worst thing I could’ve done, as it allowed things to heal incorrectly and so on.
The knee still plays up – but it’s intermittent. When I first stand or move, it’s sore as fuck, but then it eases off. I’m still fully capable of walking miles on it, but it’ll hurt significantly the next day, or if I then stop and leave it in one position for a long time (for example, driving home from wherever) Having talked to others with a similar thing, and doing some research, I think what I managed to do was a meniscal tear – basically ripping some of the meniscal membranes in my knee. Ooops.
Honestly, it’s pretty certain now that there’s not going to be much I can do to improve it. It’s as healed as it’ll get. But I’d like to get a proper diagnosis of it, in case I’m wrong – I’m only basing this so far on personal experience (of my own damage, and the stories of others) and Dr. Google/Wikipedia, so it’s quite possible that I could be wrong.
However, getting that diagnosis is proving problematic. It’s not an urgent thing by any chalk, but that’s an issue. My GP surgery are still only taking bookings on the actual day, so it’s a free-for-all of calling in at 8:30 in the morning in order to get a slot that day. And honestly, I feel guilty at that point about trying to get a slot that could be better used by someone with, you know, something actually important/urgent.
It really is a massively fuckwitted plan. I don’t understand why they can’t do it so that at least one of the GPs in the practice is doing non-urgent bookings for even one day a week. (Or balance the load and have a rota of who does a non-urgent day, or even week as a break from the urgent daily shit)
As it is, in this case I don’t honestly know that the GP would even be the best thing – all they’re likely to do is say “Oh, that’ll need an X-Ray/MRI” and refer it to the local(ish) hospital anyway. So maybe it’d be better to go direct to what used to be the “Minor Injuries” clinic, so I can get a scan straight away. But “Minor Injuries” is now somehow “Urgent Care” (which is somehow different to “Accident and Emergency”) and that has the same effect on me – it’s non-urgent, and there are people way more in need of treatment than I am.
I’ll get round to it in the end, I’m sure. But in the meantime it’s a situation that is utter, utter bollocks.
Decade
Posted: Wed 21 October, 2020 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, Looking Back, Thoughts Leave a comment »Last month, for a couple of reasons, I was looking back in the archives, and realised it’s now just over a decade since Herself and I broke apart.
Obviously things have changed a lot in that time, and some of it’s been tough, but in general it’s been positive.
Time flies, and all that jazz.
Archery Return
Posted: Wed 5 August, 2020 Filed under: Domestic, Getting Organised, Health, Introspective, Personality, Thoughts Leave a comment »Back in March, I wrote about my starting to get back into archery after way too long – it’d been a decade or more since I last went, and this year I found a local(ish) club and went through their ‘beginners’ process (for insurance purposes etc.) before getting my bow checked over and slightly updated. In a spectacularly piss-awful piece of timing, I got that done on the same day that lockdown was announced. Bugger.
Fortunately, the club has its own field, so it’s been possible to use it during the lockdown. I had to sort out a first induction meeting (to establish that I knew their rules and so on) and get my membership card, and from there I’ve been able to go on a regular basis.
So far, I’ve been for eleven sessions, and enjoyed pretty much all of them – last week’s one was less good, but that was just weather and environment being a bastard, plus a healthy dose of hubris from having had a really good session the week before, and it all just clustered up into a shitfest.
As it turns out, it seems I’m generally OK at the whole thing. I’ve been taking my time, building up my strength and stamina through the sessions, rather than aiming to be super-competitive or anything.
The thing for me is that I’m good enough. As with a lot of things, I find I don’t have the obsessive side of things, so I lack that desire to do everything exactly the same way, that push for perfection and rigid routine. Indeed, the people who are like that bore and annoy me. I’m doing this primarily for fun – I like the challenge of getting things right and doing well – and it’s another way of building up my strength and stamina, which is fine with me. But no, I don’t think I’ll ever be at the high end of the club’s score table and so on, because I get to the point of “That’ll do”, and it’s enough for me.
But I’ll keep on going, and see how things go.
2018/19 – What Happened?
Posted: Wed 6 November, 2019 Filed under: 2018/19, 2019/20, Creativity, D4D™, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Introspective, Self-Doubt, Single Life, Thoughts 1 Comment »So, I had some plans for the last twelve months, and it’s time for an update. It won’t make for hugely positive reading…
The list from the post a year ago is as follows.
- Keep on working on losing weight.
This one is a long-term thing, and one I’ve written about before. For me, it’s a struggle – I’ve worked with a number of resources this year so far, and feel better-informed than I was, but there’s still a long way to go. If nothing else, this year so far has eliminated a lot of options and bullshit.
RESULT : Absolutely sod-all difference. Which is both positive (I’ve not gained any) and negative (for fuck’s sake, nor have I lost any) - Keep on improving fitness/health
Linked to losing weight, I’ve had more success with this one over the last 12 months, but there’s still stuff to do and improve.
RESULT : Fitness and strength have continued to improve, with very few visual clues/hints that it’s happened. - Continue doing the stuff I enjoy
Various bits here – but basically, do stuff I want to. Not as a “fear of missing out” (“FOMO”) thing, but just as in “I really want to see/do [x]” and doing so. (This is, of course, in direct contrast to ‘doing less’ in the list below, so it’s a bit of a balancing act!)
RESULT : This one’s been a success, actually. Although it’s not been a great year in many ways, at least I’ve kept on living my life and generally enjoying it. - Be more sociable
I’ve realised this year that I’ve been utterly crap with seeing friends – I’ve been doing a lot of stuff, but at the same time it hasn’t been overly sociable, hasn’t involved going to see friends at all. And that needs sorting.
RESULT : And this one’s been a failure. In fairness, it hasn’t got much worse, but it hasn’t got any better either.
I’m getting rid of some of the longer-running goals. They’re still things I want to work on – I’m not giving up on the plans, just on the having them as goals – but it affects me more when I see my ongoing failure to complete/do/start them year on year.
So I’ll note them here as reminders, but they’re not part of the main “What I’m aiming for” list. See if it works better for me as advisories, rather than as targets/goals. And those reminders are…
- Writing
I want to do more writing – I’ve got the ideas, but it’s finding the time, inclination and drive to get them actually going. I hope to schedule more in – I’ve also invested in some tools that should allow me to do so – but we’ll see.
RESULT : Nope, hasn’t happened. Even more ideas bouncing round in my brain, and an absolute zero on getting them addressed - Business plans
As with the writing, I’ve got the ideas, but need to allocate time and energy to getting them to work. In some cases I’m frustrated by time, in others by funding for getting them how I want them. We’ll just have to see how things go.
RESULT : Nope, nor this. Ideas are still there, but I’ve done keck-all with them - Doing Less
This is kind-of related to the above two – if I could sort my brain out so that ‘doing less’ was better, then I’d hopefully have more time to spend on the writing and business ideas.
RESULT : Nope. Still been an idiot all year and kept busy for about 95% of the time - Plan Better
And the final one, which controls all of the others – make better plans, notes, and be better organised.
RESULT : Again, Nope. Not even close.
So, all things considered, while it’s not been a bad year per se, it’s also not been a good one. Which also goes to sort of explain why I’ve been crap at getting this organised/written, and why I haven’t yet thought about whether I’m doing this for the coming year, or just sacking it off.
Daft as a Brush
Posted: Mon 12 November, 2018 Filed under: Day Trips, Domestic, Driving, Food, Getting Organised, Introspective, London, Personality, Public Transport, Solo Dining, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »In an ongoing thread, there are times where I realise I really am a silly sod. This is another of those things.
A fair while back, the Cowboy Junkies (one of my all-time favourite bands) announced they were coming to the UK. It had been a fair while since they’d been here last, and even better, it was happening the weekend after my birthday. However, that was also the end of the week I was already booked up to spend in Northumberland, which was a Friday to Friday booking. And they were playing Manchester on the Saturday, and London on the Sunday.
So I figured what the hell, it’ll be a weekend, and booked tickets for both Manchester and London. Well I was up in the area anyway, and the London one was billed as being different to the Manchester one (although that has since changed). So why not? (Other than mileage, of course) I’d drive over from Northumberland to Manchester on the Friday, stay in a hotel overnight, do the gig on the Saturday night, and then drive home afterwards. Easy.
And then the plan changed a bit. When I saw the play Queen Margaret in Manchester, I realised how painless the journey was by train. So instead I figured I could drive home from Northumberland on the Friday – allowing me to get laundry and so on done in the evening and so on. Then on the Saturday I could get the train up, have lunch somewhere new and fancy that had grabbed my attention, then walk down to the hotel, check-in, drop off bag etc., go to the gig, stay overnight on Saturday, train home on Sunday morning, then down to London for Sunday night.
Yes, I’m an idiot, and an absolute loon. But I cut my mileage by taking the train, and improved my own safety by not driving home from Manchester late on a Saturday night. So that, at least, was sensible…
Decisions
Posted: Mon 13 August, 2018 Filed under: Domestic, Health, Introspective, London, Thoughts Leave a comment »Last year, I signed up for (and started) Cancer Research’s Shine Night Walk in London. I didn’t complete it – various odds and sods conspired to make it impossible without sustaining a lot of damage – and signed up for this year’s one, at the end of September 2018.
I should have been out doing preparation for the last three to six months. Instead, I’m out of shape – with the heat we’ve had this year I haven’t felt at all able to sensibly get out and do the distance walks. I can still beast a seven or eight mile walk with no problems, but the marathon is three or four times that figure.
Right now, it’s five weeks away, so there’s not even any realistic chance I’d have of being properly prepared for it, either.
So I’ve made the decision – I’m not going to go through with it this year. It’s something I do want to do and complete, but trying to do it this year would again likely result in more damage than benefits.
I probably *could* do it – and complete it – but I’d be running the risk of hurting myself in the process, and I’ve done enough of that over the last couple of years.
It’s incredibly annoying, and I’m really pissed off about it – but also I’m acknowledging that it’s the most sensible option for now.
Next year, on the other hand…
Aging
Posted: Wed 11 April, 2018 Filed under: 2017/18, D4D™, Do More, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Health, Introspective, Thoughts, Weigh Less, Weight Loss Leave a comment »One of the reasons (I think) for the current phase of my feeling somewhat flattened is relating to me feeling a bit old currently.
That’s not as in “Oh my God, I’m old” and so on, it’s more just some realisations that I’m no longer the age I am in my self-image. Mentally – and many would say emotionally – I’m nowhere near 46. But this year so far I’ve been feeling older – the fun stuff like new aches, just generally feeling rougher than I have previously. It’s all just a bit wearing, no fun at all, and quite demoralising.
Alongside that, over the first three months I put on some weight, which wouldn’t then easily shift in the usual ways I use. Also quite demoralising.
The final bit of the jigsaw was getting an eye test a couple of weeks back. While the prescription hasn’t changed much, it’s changed enough, and we’re looking at my next set of glasses being varifocals. So yeah, I’m feeling a bit old at the moment.
I’m working on it – and that’ll be a follow-up post to this one – but at least I am working on it, and so far that feeling of being flattened is at least lessening as a result.
2016/17 – What Happened ?
Posted: Sat 4 November, 2017 Filed under: 2016/17, Bankruptcy, D4D™, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Food, Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Health, Introspective, Rebuilding, Single Life, Thoughts Leave a comment »So, a year ago I listed the following as the plans for 2016/17…
- Continue rebuilding the finances, and keep boosting the savings
- Exercise, improve health, lose weight
- Complete September’s walking marathon – ideally in under seven hours. (My target is more ambitious than that, but I’ll be happy with 7 hours)
- Write more. (And ideally complete/publish some)
- Do more of the ideas around my own business
- Get out less. Ideally, some kind of middle-ground between being ultra-quiet/sensible, and the idiocy of the last year
- Look more at some political ideas, and see how that goes. (This one’s the random ‘maybe’ one, I don’t know if anything will happen with it or not)
How did it go?
- Finances : Yeah, not bad. Not at the totals I wanted to be at (which is a familiar theme) but I did what I wanted to, so I’m happy with that one
- Health : Less so. I haven’t gained any weight, but nor have I lost much. Good intentions have been undermined by an utter failure on Number 6, and life getting in the way of things
- Walking Marathon : Failed utterly, as I’ve wittered about at length. But I’m already signed up for the 2018 one…
- Write more : Failed utterly. There are ideas, but as with Health, I’ve been abysmal at doing less, so yeah. Bugger.
- Own Business : Kinda. I’ve written out more of the plans, got some ideas in code, and been looking at other stuff. But actually done? Nope.
- Get Out Less : Also an utter failure. I’ve been out loads, and in many ways have kept even busier than I did in 2015/16 – less Michelin-starred restaurants, but more things
- Politics : Looked at the ideas, but in the current political climate of Brexit and so on, getting involved on that score strikes me as…. less than wise.
So what’s on the list for 2017/18? Well, we’ll cover that tomorrow…
Punctuality
Posted: Mon 26 June, 2017 Filed under: Domestic, Getting Organised, Introspective, People, Personality, Thoughts Leave a comment »One thing I hate (I know, one of the many) is being late for stuff – so I’m pretty much always on time.
Actually, that’s a lie. I’m always early – sometimes by stupid degrees. I don’t mind being early, I’m happy with waiting once I know I’m where I’m supposed to be, and I’ve always got a book or my phone with me, so I can be doing stuff once I’m there.
Even with the conference I was at a couple of weeks ago, I was daftly early. I came into London, and then walked down from Euston to Westminster, and still had an hour-ish to kill before we were let in. But both days were pleasant days, so I didn’t mind the walk, nor sitting outside and reading. Yes sure, I could’ve left an hour later and still been on time, but in my experience, then there’d have been delays, things would’ve gone tits-up, and I’d have been stressed about it.
If I’m early, I don’t get stressed – it’s more just about being where I’m expected to be, and from there, *shrug*.
I don’t expect anyone else to do it – although I have previously been in situations where we ended up being competitively early (if two people are pathologically early for stuff, and one knows the other gets there first each time, they want to be there before, and it all just escalates until it gets silly) and while I appreciate it if the people I’m meeting are on time, it doesn’t bother me if they’re not.
My earliness doesn’t force itself on others, and really I don’t mind even if those people are late (within reason – being chronically late all the time will annoy me, for example) – it’s more about “Well, I’m where I need to be” and that’s it.
There was going to be a point to this – but I’ve forgotten it. Hey Ho.
Running Into The Flames
Posted: Thu 23 March, 2017 Filed under: Introspective, London, News, People, Security, Thoughts Leave a comment »Following on from the stories about the terrorist attack yesterday at the Houses of Parliament, the BBC has a piece on the people from St Thomas’s Hospital (literally just over the bridge from the Houses of Parliament) who, on hearing about the incidents, ran to help. And not just doctors and nurses – I feel a huge dollop of recognition should also be due to Tobias Ellwood, the MP for Bournemouth East, who went to help resuscitate the stabbed policeman.
I don’t care what the hell else is said about those events, but those people are heroes. Stories like these always remind me of the speech from the West Wing TV Series, (The episode “20 Hours In America, Part II“, if you want to look it up) in the aftermath of another (fictional) terrorist attack …
… and two others are in critical condition, when, after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran into the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight.
Gets me every damn time, the people who don’t stand and take pictures, who don’t run away, but instead run towards the danger. I’d like to think I’m of a similar ilk – but who really knows, until that time comes?
Waiting Around
Posted: Mon 26 December, 2016 Filed under: Day Trips, Domestic, Getting Organised, Introspective, Personality, Punctuality, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »I wrote a while back about how bad I am at doing nothing – something I hadn’t properly realised before this year.
In a related way, I’ve also found I’m not great at days when the only thing I’ve got planned is in the evening. It’s not too bad during the week, because I’ve done stuff during the day, and then just adding bits in the evenings.
But on weekends, it’s not the same. There’ve been a few days this year where I’ve had afternoon or evening stuff planned, and it’s left me feeling like I’m at a bit of a loss in the mornings, like it’s kind of freeweheeling a bit, not knowing quite what I want to do, or where I want to be.
Honestly, it’s not a feeling I’m overly comfortable with – I like having a plan, and getting on with it. Being in a holding pattern ’til later in the day isn’t something I do well.
I’m more aware of this now, and come 2017, I’ll be making better plans, knowing this about myself. If I’ve got something in the evening, I’ll also do something in a similar area earlier in the day – or just get better at having a half-day.
So Here It is
Posted: Fri 23 December, 2016 Filed under: Charm School, Cynicism, Domestic, Festering Season, Introspective, Personality, Thoughts Leave a comment »
And now, the Festering Break begins. Not that I’m taking much of a break – that’s not even a surprise these days – but still, it’ll be four days of doing very little. And I’m OK with that.
As it turns out, the entire Festering Season thing hasn’t annoyed me too much this year. Sure, it’s got the standard annoyances and irritations – the same old, same old adverts on TV that you can’t miss for a good couple of months, the inane bollocks that shops do (filling the shelves with tat, blah blah blah) and so on, but that’s all pretty much par for the course.
What’s different, and has been for the last couple of years, is that I have less and less people trying to tell me how I should feel, or how I should be, around the Festering Season. I’m rotten at doing (or feeling) what I “should” do at any given time anyway, but for some reason this Season always exacerbates that, with people telling me I “should” be more festive, or “should” decorate my office, or “should” do a Christmas meal/party with clients, and any number of other things that I should be doing, because ‘everybody else does it’.
So it turns out that really, my enjoyment (or at least tolerance) of the Festering Season is more than a little dependent on (and inversely affected by) the number of people who feel it’s their place to tell me what I should do or feel in that season.
This year, far fewer people have done it, so conversely I’m OK with the season. More or less.
Adding to Savings
Posted: Wed 5 October, 2016 Filed under: 2015/16, 2016/17, Bankruptcy, Change, Domestic, Finances, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Introspective, Rebuilding, Thoughts Leave a comment »About six weeks ago, I wrote about the changes to my intended savings plans for this year, and how it was affecting things.
Basically, I’d had a plan of how much I wanted to put into my savings account this year, and that hasn’t happened. There’s been a lot of other stuff going on instead, but all the same, it’s been a bit annoying to have not managed that target.
Since then, though, I’ve been adding in to the savings account, and making progress. I won’t get to the original target figure for this year – but putting some in is better than putting none in. So since that first post, I’ve put in the full amounts of a couple of invoices for work I’d done, but also a bit more than 10% of each piece of income has gone straight back out to the savings, so I don’t even really notice it’s gone.
In honesty, that’s what I should’ve been doing all of this year, but I was looking at it from a flawed perspective. (I can’t be bothered to explain that right now, but may do some other time) I’m intending to keep doing the same for the rest of this year, and do the same but with more money next year, and see how we go.
Early Justifications
Posted: Thu 25 August, 2016 Filed under: Customer Services, Day Trips, Domestic, Food, Getting Organised, Gigs, Introspective, Kindle, London, Personality, Punctuality, Reading, Solo Dining, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »Whenever I’m going somewhere, whether to meet friends, or just for a timed event, I tend to be pretty early. Stupidly early, in some cases – mainly because I just figure “Well, once I’m there, I can find something to do“. At worst, I have a Kindle and a phone, so I’ll always be able to do something with that time.
I don’t expect others to follow the same thing, though – that’s just a world of hurt, because then I’d still be earlier than the expected early time, and it can get stupid. (I have one friend who’s of a similar mind-set, and we ended up being – unconsciously – competitively early for a while, ’til we realised it was just getting dumb)
Sometimes, though, it turns out that there’s a good reason for being early to things. Saturday was one of those times.
I was going in to London for a concert in the evening, and then booked a lunch at Hibiscus as well. My plan was to park up at an Underground station I knew well, Tube into Central London (well, kinda – I still wanted to walk as well), go for lunch, wander around London a bit/lot, get back up to the concert venue, meet up with another friend, go to the gig, and then get back to the car and drive us both home. That plan survived until the first stage…
What I hadn’t realised was that the Northern Line (the only line from the station in question) was shut for the weekend. No trains at all. Of course, London Underground being the useless shitbricks they are, there were no signs at the entrance to the station or car-park, so I’d paid for parking (fortunately only £2 for the day), walked into the station, to be faced with “Nope, no trains”. The useless bell-end outside had no idea how I’d get back from the gig at all – well, he suggested taking no less than four buses, at midnight on Saturday-into-Sunday. So that was no use.
But, I’m well early at this point. So it’s time for a replan. Drive down to the concert venue, find somewhere close-ish to park, and juggle things from there.
And that’s what happened. Drive down (only about four miles, in fairness) and find a side-road with parking. Permits only, but only Monday-Friday. It’s a Saturday, so I’ll go for that. Check the parking meter. Nope, that Mon-Fri only too. Double-check with the online-app for paying, and nope, can’t take any money for that parking, sir.
Then start walking to find where the hell I am – I know I’m closeish, but not exactly where – turn the corner, and oh look, there’s the venue. Literally two minutes, car-to-venue. Wander past to find a bus into central London, oh look, there’s one that’ll do it, hop on, and job done.
That entire re-plan and reorganisation, and I was still at Hibiscus 45 minutes early…
So sometimes there’s a really good reason for being idiotically early to things. If I’d been cutting things fine already, that change would’ve completely chiffed me for the day, and been uber-stressful all the way. As it was, it was still an absolute doddle, and everything went well.
Indeed, it actually made life easier – because coming out of the gig, we were in the car and out of London before we’d probably have even got to the original station…
Life Stripped Bare
Posted: Sun 10 July, 2016 Filed under: Domestic, Getting Organised, Introspective, People, Television, Thoughts Leave a comment »This week, Channel 4 had a one-off programme called “Life Stripped Bare“, which turned out to be pretty interesting.
It was basically about how people handle having no possessions. All their items, furnishing, clothing – everything – is taken away and put in storage, leaving them with absolutely nothing except the walls of their homes. It was slightly gratuitous, as all the participants had to strip off, leaving them to start the process completely naked. I understand the reasoning for it, but yeah, there seemed to be a lot more focus on that than was strictly necessary.
Each participant (a single woman, a house-share of a man and woman, and another house-share of two men and a woman) was allowed to get back one item a day from storage – although in all three cases, that storage unit was at least half a mile away, so they had to make the effort and journey in order to get those things. In autumn/winter. The first couple of days, where clothing was limited (to say the least) showed off their inventiveness all round – and the single woman in particular, whose first choice was a bolt of material, from which she fashioned a load of things, rather than just one thing.
It was interesting though, seeing what the people valued, what they couldn’t live without, and then what they did once everything was returned. Naturally, with the participants being late-twenties and early-thirties, one of the things they had real problems living without was their phones, and being pretty much permanently connected to the world.
It also made me think about my own attitudes to possessions, what I have, what I value, what I could live without if I chose to. I think a lot of that would come down to semantics, for example whether “books” counts as one possession as a whole, or whether each one is an individual possession.
All told, there’s a lot I could live without if I had to or chose to. I wouldn’t want to be reduced all the way to zero possessions – I don’t think anyone truly would – but I think I probably could handle a significant reduction if I had to.
Anyway, it was an interesting programme, and made for some interesting thoughts – which I may write more about at some point in the future. Or not. We’ll see.
Illness and Self-sufficiency
Posted: Mon 20 June, 2016 Filed under: Cynicism, Domestic, Health, Introspective, Single Life, Thoughts Leave a comment »While I was ill last week, it occurred to me – I had a fair amount of time to contemplate things, after all – that really it’s one of the few times where I’m less good at being self-reliant.
Being unwell and alone is, frankly, No Fun at all. I think the only times in the last four-or-more years that I’ve wished I weren’t single, when I’ve thought “It would be nice to have someone” have been when I’ve been ill. Not even to be nursed, or anything pathetic like that, but just someone to be there and vaguely sympathetic.
Hell, I’m not even good at being ill, or being cared for when I am ill. It’s just a shitty time for being on one’s own.
And really, that’s no good reason for a relationship, or for stopping being single, is it?
Stocking Up
Posted: Mon 21 March, 2016 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Domestic, Getting Organised, Introspective, Rebuilding, Thoughts 1 Comment »Over the last year or so, I’ve noticed that I now have more back-up supplies of the stuff I use a lot of. This is mainly kitchen things – food, and household stuff – but it’s still interesting to me that it’s a behaviour/preference that has developed post-bankruptcy.
It’s not hoarding, by any means – it’s more that I find I want to have back-up items, so I’m never likely to run out.
I suspect a lot of it is still in the “what if everything went tits-up tomorrow” mindset, which I do find is also more prevalent in me than it used to be. Which is odd, as this current situation is about the best I’ve been in for a very long time. That probably makes sense though, in the context of those wonderful words of wisdom – “This too shall pass“. (It’s an all-purpose aphorism, good for hope in times of need, and a reminder of drought in times of plenty, and has been one of my favourites over the years)
I’ve no idea whether this preference for back-up supplies will fade out again or not – it’ll probably depend on how things go over the rest of this year, but equally I have no problem with it if it does stay around, and allows me to have just that extra little safety buffer.
Doing Nothing
Posted: Sun 20 March, 2016 Filed under: Domestic, Getting Organised, Health, House Work, Introspective, Single Life, Thoughts Leave a comment »This weekend was the closest I’ve come in a long time to doing nothing – it’s something I am *really* bad at, which I’m coming to terms with.
I try and keep busy on weekends, go out and do stuff, get things done, and that suits me. But I still get to the point (like recently) where I’ve been constantly busy and occupied for so damn long, it feels like I’m completely burned out and I need that down-time, a weekend or two where I don’t do much.
As has been observed before, I’ve been pretty much booked solid since about October, so I really needed a quiet time where I vegetated a bit, caught up on some of the more domestic things, and generally did a bit of recuperation. And that was the plan this weekend – I had some stuff I wanted to do (buying the trees, seeing a film, organising house stuff, ironing etc.) but the rest was meant to be downtime.
That plan was successful, I can’t deny. I did get all the planned stuff done, and I used a lot of downtime.
But it gets to now, 10pmish on Sunday, and I feel kind of guilty, kind of lazy. I know it’s been needed, and I mainly feel better for having not done much – but simultaneously, I feel like it’s been a bit of a waste.
It’s safe to say, I think, that I am phenomenally bad at doing nothing…
Seasonal Transitional
Posted: Fri 18 March, 2016 Filed under: Change, Depression, Domestic, Fog, Introspective, Sleep - or lack thereof, Thoughts, Weather Leave a comment »This time of year is hard for me. A lot of it is related to the change of the seasons, the transition between winter and spring/summer, the weather, and the resultant effect on my depression.
It’s weird, really. Through the winter, I expect the grey days and the lack of sunlight – it’s par for the course, and I’m used to handling it, fighting against depression and not wanting to go out. I get as much daylight as possible – currently helped by my office facing big windows, which maximises things, and walking at lunchtime – and basically just get through Winter the best I can.
Come spring though, things change. Days get longer, we have more hours of sunlight, and I know that the easier time is coming – but it’s not here yet. I’m tired from having kept the depression at bay all winter, and it hits me harder now as a result. I just don’t have the energy by now to keep on fighting with it. It’s the time when I completely lack motivation, and could happily stay in bed a lot longer, not wanting to get up.
I still do get up, and get things done. I make plans – not always conscious plans, but because I’m aware of the upcoming Glums, I make plans ahead of time, sometimes without realising just why I’m making them for that time. I still do stuff, and get on with it. But it’s definitely a lot harder than usual (as the actress said to the bishop) and a rough period.
It’s not helped by being (or at least feeling) greyer than usual. Yes, it’s getting light – but the last couple of weeks, it’s just been bright grey, with fairly thick mists and fogs most mornings. Again, a facet of the season, but one I find particularly tough to deal with. I’m OK with it being dark when I get up, I’m better with it being light and sunny when I get up. But this grey crap in between the two is just draining.
I’ll be OK. I’m used to this crap, and I can generally deal with it. I’m affected by it, but I won’t admit defeat to it.
Given a couple of weeks – usually once the clocks go forward at the end of the month – things will start to come back. But March is just a bit cruddy, with drained energy levels, and more blah than usual as a result.
Table for One
Posted: Wed 30 December, 2015 Filed under: 2015/16, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Food, Introspective, Self-Doubt, Single Life, Solo Dining, Thoughts Leave a comment »This year, I’ve had a plan about going out and eating in restaurants on my own. It was a project for the year – and it’s been quite successful.
I’ve always had an insecurity about eating alone in restaurants – some people are like it about going to the cinema alone, or to the pub on their own. For me, it was restaurants.
But I’m really bad at having insecurities like that, and tend to face them head on. So I challenged myself to do more of it, to get comfortable (or at least familiar) with walking into places and just getting a table for one.
I started the year the way I wanted to go on, with New Years Eve in Cambridge as a single. It was a menu I wanted to try, so why not?
There’s been plenty of other places along the way – standard pubs etc., burger-based restaurants (no, not Mcdonalds!) and proper places, as well as Michelin-starred ones. It’s been a varied old year, and I’ve done a lot of solo dining.
It’s been a successful project, I think. It’s still not something I like doing, asking for a table for one, but it doesn’t worry me anywhere near as much, so that makes it a success.
I’ll carry on into 2016 with the same thing – there’s places already booked that I’m really looking forward to, and I’m sure there’ll be many others on a more randomised basis.
Lists
Posted: Mon 21 December, 2015 Filed under: 2015/16, D4D™, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Introspective Leave a comment »As we come to the end of 2015, I’m spending some time making notes, lists, and plans for what I want to get done in 2016. It’s not resolutions or anything similar, but I’ve found over the last couple of years that having lists for things helps me to keep it all straight in my head over the year.
The lists aren’t hard-and-fast structures, more like reminders and ‘this is the stuff you wanted to do’ – but it’s a method that I’ve found to be working pretty well for me. I never used to think it would, that I’m not that organised and so on, but it’s been a surprise.
I don’t know if it’s usual, but I have two formats for the lists – my day-to-day ones sit on the mobile, but the bigger plans for the year tend to sit in my Notebook Of Doom.
A lot of the difference is in how things get crossed off, if I’m honest. Day-to-day “what I’m doing this week” works with just a tick gesture on the phone list, and that’s fine. But there’s more of an emotional and mental ‘achievement’ when it comes to physically crossing things off on a piece of paper, in a notebook, it’s a gesture of finality, of “done that”, which I really like.
Even though I don’t necessarily write about everything on here any more (and there’s some thoughts about that, which I’ll probably write and update over the Festering Season) and I certainly won’t list everything here, there’s a lot of stuff on the lists for 2016, which needs some thought and prioritising a bit.
I tend to over-load the lists too, give myself more on the plans than I’m likely to actually manage. But I’d rather have items as a backup for if I get everything done, or when a planned thing turns out to be unattainable and it’s time for Plan B/C/D.
Regardless, I’m looking forward to crossing off a lot of those items.
Into August
Posted: Wed 5 August, 2015 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Change, D4D™, Domestic, Driving, Finances, Getting Organised, Health, Introspective, Looking Back, Thoughts, Weirdness Leave a comment »Somehow, we’re into August already. The year’s racing by (as usual) and here we are. August.
August is a funny (as in ‘odd’, not as in ‘ho ho’) month for me – for some reason it’s always been rather more eventful than others. It seems to be generally a month of change for me, in ways both negative and positive.
It’s definitely the month I get twitchy about, more than any other. I’m sure that’s because my parents first pointed out what a consistently change-laden month it was (which may have also gone some way to making it a bit more self-fulfilling) but I try to not focus on it. By that, I mean that I don’t consciously go “oh, I’ll do that in August”. August just seems to happen.
As examples…
- D4D™ got started in August. Not intentionally (well obviously it got started intentionally) in August – that was just when everything came together for it to happen
- My bankruptcy was in August. Again, that’s just when it came about.
- I finally passed my driving test in August.
- I’ve had *lots* of job changes in August, contracts ending and so on.
This time round, it looks (so far) like things will be a lot calmer.
I was a bit twitchy, as my current work contract had an end date next week – and even though I was 99% sure it would extend again, there’s always that “But it’s August, and thus could bite me on the bum” nagging doubt. However, it’s been confirmed this week that it’ll extend again, through to October (which will mean I’ve been doing this one for a year) so that’s all good.
To the best of my knowledge I’ll be staying in the current house for at least another year. That’s the plan (and renewal isn’t ’til November, so not a concern) and I see no current reason to change it.
There’s currently nothing else of major import and change looking like it’ll happen. I’ve got stuff planned for the month, but nothing change-laden. All the same, during August I’ll be…
- Doing a 10Km sponsored walk for Marie Curie
- Seeing Benedict Cumberbatch in Hamlet (a happy surprise instance, brought about by a friend of a friend not being able to go)
- Possibly another London visit, or alternative Day Trip
- Sorting out (renewing) car insurance again
And there’s a bundle of other stuff as well, alongside the weekly working normality.
So with any luck, this August won’t be too eventful and change-laden. We’ll see.
Staying Still
Posted: Wed 24 June, 2015 Filed under: Day Trips, Domestic, Driving, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Introspective, Single Life, Travel, Weirdness 1 Comment »This coming weekend is my first one fully ‘at home’ in about three months. As such, I’m looking forward to it for downtime and some peace and quiet.
However, I feel almost guilty about staying home, and doing Not Much.
My brain keeps on saying “Oh, but you could do a day-trip to [x], [y] or [z]“. And it’s right, I could. But I don’t really want to – except my brain doesn’t believe it.
It’s odd. One part of me wants to just have a down-weekend, a time of not doing a lot, and most emphatically not driving any significant distances. But the other part obviously does want me to do all of those things.
It’s a bit schizoid, so I guess I’ll have to wait and see which side wins out in the end. All very strange.
Heavy Thoughts
Posted: Wed 3 June, 2015 Filed under: 2015/16, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Food, Getting Organised, Health, Introspective, Thoughts, Weigh Less 1 Comment »Last year I did pretty well when it comes to weight loss, dropping two stones over the year. (It was actually a bit more, but then went up again towards the year end) The plan this year is/was to do more of the same, and lose a similar amount of weight.
So far, that’s not gone well. It stayed pretty stable through January to April, and then May was – for unknown reasons – really bad. Basically, I had a real desire for sugar, coupled with a lot of idiot days, journeys, activities and meals. It felt pretty non-stop, and for whatever reason from that, my brain/body wanted sweet stuff.
When I weighed myself on Monday, I’d put on nearly a stone, which has really annoyed me. I’ve been pleased with the weight loss, so putting some back on is a bit of a setback.
But it’s only a setback, not a major issue. From here on things are a bit calmer again – although saying that I’ve still got weekend trips to Oxford, Manchester and London coming up – and I’ll reduce that sugar intake again. That has, I think, been the main trigger for weight gain.
I’m going to get back to doing some other stuff too, and seeing how things go. But that’s the plan, and I’m not changing my goal for the year. I just have to work a bit harder than expected to get there…
Successful Dining
Posted: Sat 30 May, 2015 Filed under: Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Food, Getting Organised, Introspective, Single Life, Solo Dining Leave a comment »One of my things this year was to get myself being better at going out to restaurants on my own – something I’ve never been keen on, and one of my weaker points when it comes to being single.
So I’d made it a goal – a resolution, if you will – to go out and eat more in places on my own.
Thus far, it’s actually been remarkably successful (He said, modestly) and I’ve been really pleased, if I’m honest.
As well as the ‘proper restaurants’ I’ve been to – Grillstock in Bath, Kitchin in Edinburgh, Meat Liquor in Brighton, and a couple of others – I’ve also been doing the same sort of thing when I work on-site on Mondays. That’s more pub-restaurant than anything else, but it still applies to the ethos. Basically, when I’m on-site and it comes to getting home, I can choose to sit in solid traffic for two hours and more, or I can wait in the pub, have some food, and then drive home in 50 minutes. Really, that’s a no brainer.
All told, I’m getting used to it, it’s not something that causes me a problem per se any more – and that rates as a success in my eyes.
There’s still more places to go, more restaurants on the list, and it’s all good.
Three Years In One Place
Posted: Tue 5 May, 2015 Filed under: Day Trips, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Introspective, Single Life, Thoughts, Time, Travel Leave a comment »It’s now three years since I moved into the current house – which also means I’ve been single that long. How time flies, and all that rot.
I’m definitely still here for another six months (that’s when the current tenancy expires) and I’m still undecided on what I do from there.
I suspect I’ll stick with it for another year’s tenancy, to be honest – unless anything in life changes radically in that period. That’s quite scary in some ways, it’s almost like I’m feeling more settled and (almost) putting down some roots.
That’s not the case though – the current place isn’t where I want to stay longer-term, but at the moment it’s just convenient, and – as I’ve said before – makes travelling easy to just about anywhere else.
Creatively Becalmed
Posted: Fri 1 May, 2015 Filed under: Creativity, Day Trips, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Introspective, NCFE Course, Photography, Thoughts, Travel, Weirdness Leave a comment »This year so far – and probably for a bit longer than that, if I’m honest – I’ve not been getting all that much done on a creative front, and I don’t really know why. It’s more a feeling of being bogged down, uninspired, and just not in the mood.
Writing is going better than anything else – lots of ideas, but nothing is particularly gelling at the moment. I’ve got a couple of things started, but it’s still bogging down, and not flowing.
Photography-wise, I haven’t even taken my camera out in ages. Really it’s been since I did the NCFE course, which is a bloody long time now. I don’t know why that seemed to flick the ‘can’t be arsed’ switch, but it has. I’ve tried a few things and ideas, but it’s just all a bit “meh”, with no real desire to take the photos.
In some ways, the day-trips over the last few months have helped on that – I’ve taken photos, even if ‘only’ with the phone (although that’s a surprise, considering how good they’ve come out) but still can’t really bring myself to take the actual camera out for a day. A lot of that is also because I can’t be arsed with lugging it around and faffing about, but mainly it’s just the faff of it all at the moment.
I’m sure things will change again – I certainly hope so – and that the changes will be positive for once. The rest of this year to date has been positive, so I’m hoping that once I have some headspace and time, I’ll be more prompted.
(And I’m sure I’ve written about this a couple of times this year already, so forgive the repetition. It’s just something that’s bugging me at the moment)
Job Envy
Posted: Fri 2 January, 2015 Filed under: Animals, Change, Education, Introspective, Media, Thoughts Leave a comment »It’s not often that I get envious of someone else’s job – but over the last month there’s been one man on TV whose life I could envy deeply. That man is Giles Clark, a tiger expert based at the Australia Zoo in Queensland. (Which is the one founded by Steve Irwin, which explains a lot)
He’s been the subject – well, the human subject, at least – of the BBC series “Tigers about the House”, where he raised two Sumatran tiger cubs by hand in his own house.
The Australia Zoo’s tigers are all fully acclimatised to having humans around – which allows them to go for walks with their keepers and so on, as well as lots of enrichment and stimulus that simply doesn’t happen in most zoos around the world. It’s been quite a spectacular thing to see – particularly the tigers leaping into their huge pool (tigers love to swim) with the cameras right there with them – and yeah, decidedly envious.
Additionally, because they’re so acclimatised to people, it means the Zoo can also offer “Up-close experiences” with the tigers (and other animals) for a fee. All the money made from those experiences – as well as photo-opportunities and the like – goes towards tiger conservation projects, and the series included Clark’s trips out to Sumatra to see those projects as well, and be involved with them.
I’m not a great fan of zoos in general – I don’t like seeing animals in cages, regardless of the size of those cages – but recognise that they now have a massive use in keeping certain species from extinction. But if there’s got to be zoos, I’d far rather they were like this, providing so much more than just “animals in enclosures”.
But yes, definitely envious of that kind of job. It’s one of the very few times where I look and think “If I’d could go back now and re-do secondary school etc., knowing what I do now, that’s the kind of work I’d aim for”
For information:
- Episode one is on iPlayer here ’til the end of January 2015
- Episode two is on iPlayer here ’til the end of January 2015
Solo – Alone vs. Lonely
Posted: Sat 27 December, 2014 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, People, Single Life, Thoughts 1 Comment »While working from home over the last couple of months – and particularly with relation to the Festering Season – I’ve noticed a lot of media stuff about statistics and reports showing that more people feel ‘lonely’ now, and don’t know how to deal with it. (Aside from the obvious answer of “Get out more”)
Anyway, it all made me think about how I am with all this being-single stuff, along with being too self-reliant for my own good.
Since leaving school, I’ve been single for more years than I’ve been in ‘proper’ relationships – eleven years of relationships vs. nearly fifteen of singledom. (Which also means that score was actually on level-pegging when my last one finished, but I digress) However, I’ve never truly felt lonely while I’ve been single. I have when in a relationship – in more than one, and on more than one occasion – but never when I’m single.
I suspect it’s not necessarily a good thing to be far more comfortable with “Alone” – it leaves me with little desire to look for anyone new (although that’s another part of my thought processes at present, and another piece of writing to come) and so on. I’m alone, but content with that.
As has been obvious, I do get out plenty, and socialise with friends a fair amount – and I’ll be doing more of both in the new year, as written about previously – but the fact remains, I’m comfortable with my own time and space. I’m not averse to changing and sharing that time/space with the right person, but I honestly don’t see it happening any time soon.
And that’s equally fine with me.
Solo – Holidays
Posted: Mon 22 December, 2014 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Domestic, Driving, Getting Organised, Introspective, Single Life, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »As has been observed on here many times, I’m shit at taking holidays – and time-off in general, really. This isn’t something that’s related to the bankruptcy etc. (although it’s made it even less easy to do over the last couple of years) as much as it’s related to being a contractor, and to being chronically disorganised. And of course, to being single.
As a contractor, you can’t help but realise/recognise that time off on holiday is bloody expensive. It’s not just the cost of whatever you decide to do, it’s also the fact that it’s a week you could be working – and contractors don’t get a leave/holiday entitlement. So effectively it’s even more expensive, because not only are you paying money out for the break, but you’re also aware that it’s a week of money you’re not earning.
Even for someone as non-materialistic as me, that makes it into a significant dollop of money. Made even more so by being a sole wage-earner, and thus entirely self-reliant for finances.
The other side (for me, at least) is the whole thing of being single. I don’t care that I’m going to different places on my own, but it’s more about the simple knowledge that it’s still ‘just me’. I’m fully aware this makes no sense to anyone else – and I’m hard-pushed to explain it in writing – but there we go.
I suppose some of it is that – unless, I guess, one goes to a B&B/Hotel – I’m still doing the cooking for myself, doing what I want, going where I want, and it’s not really all that different to how things are anyway.
I’m aiming to look at all this a bit differently in 2015, and to take off on a couple of breaks, but also to disappear off for weekends etc. One of those is already organised – a break to Edinburgh in mid-April, when the next contract finishes. It’s ‘only’ a weekend, but will also involve a couple of other things I want to do in the area, and I’m actually really looking forward to it. Plus, of course, being ‘just’ a weekend, it doesn’t lose me any working time, which makes things a lot easier to bear.
I’m looking at some others too – some for new visits to places I know and haven’t seen in a long time, and others for completely new areas/places, which should be fun.
Stasis
Posted: Mon 3 November, 2014 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Change, Domestic, Getting Organised, Introspective, Thoughts Leave a comment »This year has – as I’ve written before – been a bit weird. In some ways it’s all been very changeable and flexible, but in others it’s felt very static and fixed.
I think a lot of that has to do with where I’m living, and the fact that I haven’t moved in nearly three years. For me, that’s a long time. Additionally, I know that I’ll be in the same place now (unless there’s some major changes I can’t yet foresee) until at least this time next year.
Three and a half years in the same place will actually be the longest I’ve been in any one house since I first moved away from home (which is pretty much a quarter-century now) – by then it’ll even have exceeded the Norfolk place, which was the previous record-holder.
It would be more of a concern for me if I hadn’t also been changing jobs – I usually find I’m either stable (or at least stable by my standards) in work, or in location, but rarely both at the same time. During the bankruptcy period was the closest I came to being stable at both, although that was because everything else in life was up in the air, so the stability of location and job was A Good Plan.
On a more practical level, moving right now would’ve been more problematic than I’d like. Because of the work-based changes and issues, funding a move would’ve been a challenge. It makes sense to stay put. I think that might be some of the issue, to be honest – that it feels more like I can’t move, which isn’t a good place to be.
Now though, I don’t know. Even with the changes of work – and they have been many – I feel a bit rooted, a bit static. I’m sure I’ll address it and fix it- or at least find a way to reduce the play of that in my head- but for now it’s just a bit odd, a bit of that old scratch at the back of my head that it’s time to be moving on.
This time next year though, things may well be different…
Staying Put
Posted: Sat 27 September, 2014 Filed under: Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Introspective, Thoughts Leave a comment »In other news, it’s the time of year again where I renew (or not) the tenancy agreement on my current place. It’s hard to believe that I’ve been here two and a half years now, but that’s how long it’s been. Time flies when you’re having fun, and all that.
As always, I do some thinking when this comes round, deciding what I want to do, where I want to be, all that tat.
I know that at some point I will want to be moving on, going somewhere new, doing all that stuff again. But the time for that isn’t now. In some ways I really do want to move on, but the time isn’t right, and I don’t know where I want to be. So this’ll do for the time being.
I’m signing up for another year. By then, I’ll most likely have decided what’s next. Or I might stay another year. I don’t know. There’s lots can change in that time.
By the time of the next renewal, this will have been the longest I’ve been any one place in a very long time. And yet I don’t feel settled – and I don’t quite know why. I’m sure I’ll figure it out at some point.
Stocked
Posted: Sat 9 August, 2014 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Cynicism, Domestic, Introspective, Thoughts 1 Comment »Since the bankruptcy – and to a slightly lesser degree beforehand – I’ve noticed that I have a tendency to stockpile things a little bit. Nothing hoarder-esque or anything, but just as a backup, a “just in case”.
I’ve noticed that I now tend to have that backup as being roughly a month’s worth of whatever.
For example,
- I could get by for a month on the food I have in cupboards, freezer etc. without needing to shop.
- I could manage on savings (already) for a month or so if jobs were to go tits-up. That’s bills and the domestic stuff – petrol would be slightly more of an issue, but only slightly.
It’s not an obsession, or even obsessive behaviour – it’s an awareness of what can happen, and protecting against it.
Just an odd thing I’ve noticed myself doing more.
Poly / Mono / A
Posted: Sun 11 May, 2014 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, People, Personality, Thoughts Leave a comment »In many ways, I try to be as open-minded and non-judgemental as possible. That doesn’t apply in certain sectors – BMW drivers, idiocy, and bigots in general – but for the most part I accept peoples lives as their own, and I’m happy with that.
For whatever reason, I’ve also ended up with a number of friends in polyamorous relationships – all of whom I’m ridiculously proud of for a range of reasons.
It does all make me think though. I know that polyamory isn’t for me – I wouldn’t rule out being with someone who was in a poly relationship with someone else, but I also know that multiple partners isn’t something that would work for me. However, a lot of the time I’m pretty sure that monogamy isn’t really for me either.
I can quite happily live with being single, with not being in a relationship at all. I’m good with my own time and space, with my own life.
Does that make me selfish? Maybe. I don’t know. It’s not about not sharing or anything, or most of the usual selfish motivators – I’m just comfortable and content on my own.
And if there’s polyamory and monogamy then surely there’s also a term for someone who’s really not bothered by relationships. It’s not asexual per se, but perhaps agamy – although that sounds weird in a different way.
Regardless, if there’s any term that’ll fit me, I suspect it’s just that – agamous.
Type A/B
Posted: Sat 30 November, 2013 Filed under: Commuting, Domestic, Driving, Introspective, People, Personality, Thoughts, Travel 1 Comment »Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing (again) a lot of driving, and the next week or so isn’t looking any different. (For example, next Friday is looking to be 350-400 miles on its own, with another 250-300 on the Sunday, minimum)
As always, when I drive I tend to be a Type-A personality, wanting to stop the sodding about and just get there. That’s par for the course with me, just get the job done and get on with it. And yes, that’s kind-of related to that laziness I mentioned in yesterday’s post.
However, when/if I get stuck in traffic jams or behind vehicles I can’t get past (road conditions, traffic, whatever) then I’m far more of a Type-B personality, and don’t get stressed or annoyed about it. It’s a situation I can do nothing about, I can’t go anywhere or change anything, so I just have to accept it until I can change it.
It is (I understand) a bit of an odd state of affairs to be quite so middle-of-the-road on these personality types, where I can change from one to the other without apparent effect. I don’t mind though – it means I’m less stressed-out than pure Type-As, and more effective/productive (usually) than the pure Type-Bs.
Besides, it’s not like me to be the stereotypical anything, so it fits in quite well with that aspect as well…
Lazy
Posted: Thu 28 November, 2013 Filed under: Domestic, Health, Introspective, People, Personality, Public Transport, Shopping, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »Over the years, one thing I’ve said many times is that in some ways I’m lazy. (And it’s true – plus I’m almost certainly lazy in many, many ways) However, in some circumstances my laziness actually results in extra effort/work.
Technically and pedantically I know it’s not laziness per se, it’s more a “can’t be arsed to wait” aspect which probably also matches up to something else I’ll be writing this week.
Anyway, as an example of this, I say I’m lazy when I can’t be bothered to wait for a bus or a tram/train (particularly when I lived in Manchester) on short journeys, so I’d rather walk. I simply don’t get why people would wait for a tram from Piccadilly station down to Piccadilly Gardens (or indeed really any tram stop in Manchester) when you can walk it in the time it takes for the bus/tram to arrive.
When I go shopping, I can’t be arsed to wait for a parking space right next to the shops. I’ll park further away in the car park, walk in, get what I need, and leave. If it’s been a quick shop, I’m sometimes in and out while the same damn car waits for a space right next to the store.
Indeed in general I can’t be arsed with hunting for parking spaces right next to where I’m going. I’m just as happy parking further away where there’s plenty of spaces and just, you know, walking a bit further.
But then, I’m lazy like that.
Following the Crowd – Again
Posted: Sat 16 November, 2013 Filed under: 1BEM, Charity, Charm School, Cynicism, Domestic, Introspective, People, Thoughts 2 Comments »Following on from yesterday’s post about charity, Children in Need, and doing what everyone else does, another current grouse is around Movember. It’s a great cause – raising awareness of male cancers, and raising funds for fighting them – but it’s another group thing.
In my office, every other male member of staff is doing it. And when you ask their motivations? Yep, it’s either “Well, everyone else is doing it, so I thought I would”, or “it’s for charity”. Yet when I asked them what charity it was for, at least half had no bloody clue, and aren’t even doing it to raise money.
Movember started off as a fun idea – but this year it’s got huge sponsors (including Gilette – which is kind of obvious, in fairness – and Three) but I just kind of get twitchy when it comes to charitable stuff with large corporate sponsors.
So yeah, if you’re going to do something that’s based around charity – at least support that charity, or know what the frick you’re talking about, rather than just following the damn crowd.
Self Doubt
Posted: Fri 25 October, 2013 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Introspective, Self-Doubt, Thoughts 2 Comments »Over the last two years or so, one thing I’ve noticed more and more is that I doubt myself far more than I ever used to.
Ten years ago, back when I was living in Manchester, I’d make a decision and stick with it – and sometimes those decisions wouldn’t work out, or they’d be based on flawed assumptions (god knows I made a fair few of those over the years) But most of the time they worked out, things grew from there, and I didn’t regret any of it. Again, sometimes mistakes were made – but they were based on what felt to be the best thing at the time. I did some truly idiot shit along the way – the ill-fated six month period of daily commuting round-trips by train between either Manchester and London, or Bath and London would probably be the lowest point in that particular theme. But I still did it – I’d made the decision to do so, and continue to do so, I reaped what I’d sowed and decided upon, and that was fine. (I pretty much had a breakdown at the end of it, but well, them’s the breaks)
Over the last decade though, that self-confidence (or at least confidence in one’s decisions) has been rocked a few times, and in some cases to the point of pretty much capsizing the entire damn thing. (I know, I’m kind of mixing metaphors. Live with it) And it’s had a lasting effect, which I’m not entirely pleased about. I’m still working on it, aiming to build back up on that, along with everything else.
I’m still OK on a lot of things – if I’ve said I’ll meet someone anywhere, I’ll do it. If it involves others, those decisions are solid, and it doesn’t matter what happens, I’ll do my damnedest to be where I said, when I said.
The real crux though is when it’s something involving just me. It doesn’t have to be travel, or an event, it can be anything really. (The Peter Gabriel gig this week being a case in point) Because it’s only me doing it, my brain can descend into a spiral of second-guessing itself, a whole range of “Do I want to go?” internal questions, a bundle of “What If”s, “Yeah But”s, and “Well…”s. I hate it, it annoys me so much. I’ve decided to do something, I want to just go on and do it. It’s the run-up, the cue time, the delays that bring about the doubts. [NOTE : When I talk about internal conversations, I’m not meaning ‘voices in my head’ as such, or any other inclement sign of madness]
I don’t know what’ll fix it – or even if anything will. I’m working on rebuilding it, on knowing that when I’ve decided to do something, it’s the right thing to do – even if it turns out, with hindsight, to have been fucking stupid. But sometimes at the moment it’s easier to give in to the self-doubt, to let it win, to take the easier and quieter route – which is, for me, most definitely the road less travelled.
Sometimes I think I’ve fought for so long, battled everything about myself and my life for so long, maybe I’m just tired of fighting for a while.
[NOTE – having read that last bit back, and realised alternative interpretations, this does not mean I’m giving in/up, or aiming to do anything stupid.]
Wavering
Posted: Tue 22 October, 2013 Filed under: 1BEM, Domestic, Driving, Getting Organised, Gigs, Introspective, London, Music, Self-Doubt, Stupidity, Travel Leave a comment »This afternoon/evening, I’m supposed to be going to see Peter Gabriel at the O2. I’ve booked the afternoon off work, I’ve paid for the parking at the O2. As an aside, I always feel that parking cost is an iniquitous extra, but such is life – while it might be feasible for me to get there by public transport, it’s completely unfeasible for the return journey.
I will go
But right now, my brain’s wavering and havering, thinking “Yeah, but…” on a number of reasons, a range of logical excuses to not go. Tired, distance, time, return time, work – it’s all in there, all making me doubt.
I will go. I want to go.
I just wish my brain would be more certain, and shut up a bit.
Identity
Posted: Sun 29 September, 2013 Filed under: Introspective, Thoughts, Weirdness, Writing 1 Comment »At the moment I’m thinking a lot about identity – it’s primarily related to an idea I’ve got for a writing project, but it’s just a process that keeps bouncing round my head. Are we really who we think we are? And if not, which is the true identity? The one we live, the one we think we live, or the one we dream of being?
As an example, I’m pretty sure of who I am, but other people see a different person to the one I see. They see personality traits – good and bad – in me that I don’t see in myself. So which is true? Or are both true?
There’s probably more to be written on this, I’m just bouncing things round in my head, seeing what shakes out in the long run.
Permanence in Change
Posted: Wed 25 September, 2013 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, Thoughts 1 Comment »As regular readers know, I’m not good about being stuck in one place, or in one job, for too long. In the eleven years since I started D4D, I’ve moved house no less than eight times – and had more jobs than that, by quite a margin. (Not too surprising, being an IT contractor, but all the same)
At the moment I’m quite happy with the little house I’m renting. People are forever telling me that renting is Bad, that it’s dead money, all I’m doing is paying my landlord’s mortgage, I’ve got nothing to show for it, etc. etc. ad nauseam. But for me, renting works. I’m happy with it, and that’s really all that matters.
I like change. I like new workplaces, new living locations, etc. – but even more than that, I like having the ability to change. I don’t have to do it (although if everything is stable for too long it starts to scratch in the back of my brain, and I know something needs to be different) but I like being able to do so. Being locked into something – or even the feeling of being locked in – makes me feel kind of claustrophobic, pressured, weighed down.
With renting, I know that if I want, I can move anywhere else, and just find somewhere to live. I don’t have to worry about selling the house, going through all the legal processes, waiting for chains of people to sell and move. I can give my notice, find somewhere near, and move on. If I got the offer of a dream job that’s not manageable from where I am now, I could easily move. Equally, if something goes wrong, I can call the landlord, and it’s their problem for fixing it. I don’t need to source workmen, get estimates, take time off work, etc. I’m happy with that situation.
In my head, ‘dead money’ is the interest on a mortgage. I look at the loan illustrations, the “If you borrow £200,000, the total amount repaid will be just over £370,000” (and yes, BW,I did check – £200,000 90% mortgage over 25 years, monthly payment of £1,238.94 =£371,682 ). I see that extra £170,000 of interest as dead money, cash that’s gone to a bank instead of wherever I want to have spent it. Yes, a house could be “an investment”, if I come out after [x] years having made it more valuable and so on. But there’s no guarantees of that, and for whatever reason, my brain just doesn’t work on those timescales.
In the current workplace, everyone else has worked for the same company for at least five years. That just brings me out in shudders, I can’t deny it. The idea of being in one place, one company, listening to the same people for five years? Jesus.
It’s coming up to time to renew my tenancy on the current house – and the odds are that I’m going to take another 12-month tenancy on it. If I get through that without needing to move, I think it’ll be one of the longest-term places I’ve stayed. I’ve already been there 18 months (well, 18 months at the start of November) so another extension will put it at two-and-a-half years.
Of course, in that time I’ve changed jobs/contracts a few times, which is probably how come I’ll be happy in one house for longer than usual. So long as there’s change within life, I can live with it being in one bit or t’other (or even both). It’s just stability and stagnation that freaks me out for whatever reason.
I don’t know why my brain works in this way, I don’t know why I prefer change to stability. All I know is that it’s how I work.
Lone vs. Lonely
Posted: Sat 13 July, 2013 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, Thoughts 3 Comments »The other day I was talking to a friend about relationships and the like, and part of the conversation was about being single versus being in a relationship. The follow-on question was “But aren’t you lonely?”
For me, I’m actually quite happy being single, and getting on with things. I know some people need to be with someone, and some are even shit-scared of being on their own – I currently work with a couple of people like that, in utterly crap relationships but won’t split up because it’s still ‘better than being single’, which drives me berserk – but I’m simply not one of them.
Sometimes I feel I’m actually better at being single than I am at being in a relationship. In general I’m too independent for my own good, but sometimes in relationships I’m also too easy-going, happier to go with doing what the other person wants than necessarily what I want to do. The stupid thing is that I know I’m doing it, and sometimes it annoys me that I’m not doing my own stuff – but it annoys me even more that I’m getting annoyed about it. Which isn’t particularly sane, smart or healthy.
I also know people who don’t like going out and doing things on their own, primarily because of how they think other people will perceive them. As regular readers (what few there are) of D4D™ know, I don’t give much of a stuff about what other people think of me. I’m absolutely happy to go off to the cinema on my own, to go out to places, even to take a holiday on my own. (Although I’m spectacularly bad at holidays anyway, and really should change that aspect of myself more than most others!) Probably the only thing I’m less good about when single is going out for meals, or drinking. Even those aren’t truly about other people’s perceptions of me, but more that if I go out for food, I like that to be a shared experience, a meal enjoyed rather than for fuel. And drinking on my own is just a slope I don’t want to get onto.
All told, I’m content being single and living my own life. A lot of it is solo, but I never really feel lonely. I know I have good friends across the country, and that – for me – is what matters. I don’t need (or want) to be in their pockets/lives all the time, and I find that makes the times when we are together all the more valuable. Additionally, I have a wide range of contacts and friends through Facebook and Twitter, and I tend to stay in contact through those mediums (media?) on a regular basis anyway. I perceive those conversations and contacts as being the same as (or at least similar to) a phone conversation, an email, or even a face-to-face chat, so a lot of the time I don’t even feel like I am alone. (And in truth I’m not alone, because of those friends and conversations. We’re just not physically close, but in every other aspect of friendship and contact, we are)
As per the title, I feel/find that I’m more Lone than Lonely, and that’s fine with me.
Naming Conventions
Posted: Mon 20 May, 2013 Filed under: Animals, Domestic, Introspective, Weirdness 1 Comment »This weekend I realised something really odd, which is this…
Even though all three cats have names , I never call them by those names – and I don’t know why. Even when talking about them to others, I usually identify them by breed rather than name.
I really can’t explain why I do it, it’s certainly not been a conscious decision.
All very odd. But it’s going to be a nightmare if I ever do lose one of them, because there’s little to no chance they’ll respond to their name…
Giving In
Posted: Sun 24 March, 2013 Filed under: Animals, Domestic, Introspective Leave a comment »A while back – mid-October, to be exact – I adopted a new cat, Cleo, the Egyptian Mau.
In general, she’s settled in to the house well, and handled getting spayed etc. just fine. But I’m coming to the point where I have to admit that I simply can’t give her the life she wants/needs. I hate it, and it’s the first time I’ve ever had to admit defeat with an animal. Even with Psycho Cat (and the Bengal) I’ve been able to sort them out.
But at the end of the day, yeah, I can’t give her the time and space she needs. She needs fields and gardens to roam, which I don’t have. I think she needs someone ideally who’s at home all the time, and can feed and fuss her on her timescales. Additionally, she’s a stomach-on-legs – I’ve never seen a cat that eats so much, and I know it’s not worms as she’s been checked for that.
I’m researching options, talking to people I know in the cat-rehoming world, and finding out what’s going to be best.
I don’t like giving up on things like this, but sometimes you have to acknowledge that whatever you’re doing just isn’t right, isn’t good enough. I think this might just be one of those times.
The Festering Season, 2012
Posted: Tue 18 December, 2012 Filed under: Advertising, Festering Season, Introspective, Shopping, Thoughts 1 Comment »For whatever reason, 2012’s Festering Season hasn’t really had as much of an impact on me as usual.
Maybe I’m mellowing. Maybe I’ve just given up on it as an unwinnable fight. I don’t know.
I still get annoyed by the bullshit commerciality of the entire enterprise – things like
- seeing Christmas cards in the shops before Hallowe’en
- Hearing Christmas Carols in November
- Mince Pies with a ‘best before’ in November
- All the insane consumer-driven shopfests in December – particularly in supermarkets
But for whatever reason, I can’t really find it in me at the moment to rant about it. Maybe I’m feeling pretty chilled at the moment, maybe it’s just (as I said before) because it’s pretty much an unwinnable fight. Maybe I’m just a bit tired of being ranty.
Whatever the reason, it just hasn’t annoyed me as much as usual.
Fault Lines
Posted: Sun 2 September, 2012 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Domestic, Introspective, Thoughts 1 Comment »This last few weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about fault, about responsibility, and about change.
I’m not perfect – thank the Lord, I’ve never claimed to be – and the recent events are a wonderful example of that. I’ve made mistakes, and plenty of them – bad decisions and bad judgement calls. And I take the responsibility for that. Even the bankruptcy isn’t absolving me of that responsibility, I’ll still be paying, except it’s through the Official Receiver.
I’ve made bad decisions, and I’m learning from them. I won’t make the same ones again.
Sure, I’ll make other ones – I’m not perfect. But I do at least try my best to not repeat the same ones.
I’m not trying to lay fault for my actions and choices, I’m not absolving myself. The bankruptcy is ‘just’ a more affordable way of taking that responsibility – one I can actually live with, and manage. It’s made a major change to my life, in a good way, but it doesn’t mean things are easy. Not by a long chalk.
30 Things
Posted: Mon 20 August, 2012 Filed under: Bankruptcy, Change, Depression, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Introspective, People, Thoughts 4 Comments »via Blue Witch , I came across Black Dog Tribe‘s “30 things to stop doing to yourself“. It’s a great list – I think probably most people don’t do all of them, but most do some of them, at least.
I’ve copied it here for posterity, and so I can come back to it when I want/need to. It’s particularly relevant for me at the moment, with all the other stuff that’s going on, so I hope it helps others too.
- Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
- Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living — to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
- Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
- Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
- Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
- Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
- Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
- Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
- Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
- Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
- Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
- Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
- Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen — in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
- Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
- Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
- Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: ‘What’s something I have that everyone wants?’
- Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
- Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, ‘What you did to me is okay’. It is saying, ‘I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.’ Forgiveness is the answer- let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
- Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
- Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
- Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
- Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
- Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
- Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
- Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either — cry if you need to — it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
- Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility — you give others power over that part of your life.
- Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
- Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: ‘Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?’ If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
- Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
- Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.
Enjoy.
Breaking Point
Posted: Sun 24 October, 2010 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Introspective, Norfolk, People, Thoughts 14 Comments »Roughly this time last month, life came to a bit of a crunch point. I haven’t written much about it so far – and won’t write much more about it after this – but a number of things bubbled up at the same time, and I feel it’s worth adding in some thoughts with a bit of hindsight etc. I’m not going to be going into the whys and wherefores of any of it.
Basically, I had a bit of a breakdown. Going home on the Thursday night plunged me into a huge dollop of depression, which isn’t exactly great at the best of times. I thought I could get over it, that it was a “bad day” thing, but the next day was actually worse, to the extent that I simply couldn’t face going home for the weekend. It was a real physical reaction, that I just couldn’t do it. So instead I went away for the weekend- went back to the house, sorted things there, got some clothes, and left again. I didn’t even wait for Herself to come home- I sent her a text message to let her know what I was doing.
I’m not proud of myself for that, not even slightly. It was completely unfair, unreasonable, and downright shitty. There are no excuses, no glossing over it – it was an utterly unutterably crappy thing to do to anyone, let alone a partner of five years, a friend of twenty years.
What it was, though, was a way to survive. If I’d stayed there for the weekend, I don’t honestly know what would’ve happened, or where I’d have ended up. Some people have called what I did cowardly – and fair enough, maybe it was. I can’t say I was honestly in my right mind. But at that point, where you physically and mentally can’t face going back somewhere, I don’t think “being in one’s right mind” is ever going to happen.
Again, I’m not proud of what I did. It had to happen, but I should’ve/could’ve done it one hell of a lot better.
So a lot’s changed since then, and I’m working on all the necessary changes. I don’t know how they’ll work out, I don’t know how any of it will work out. But I’m not going to put myself in that situation again if I can possibly help it.
[Comments on this post are now closed]
Failed Recall
Posted: Thu 26 August, 2010 Filed under: Domestic, Getting Old(er), Introspective, Thoughts 1 Comment »For once, I’ve got a situation where my memory is failing me. I wasn’t even aware of it ’til today, but now it’s driving me mad.
On Radio One this morning, Chris Moyles mentioned having been in Hanley, near Stoke-on-Trent. And I know I went for an interview there many moons ago. It’s just that I can’t remember the name of the place- which is odd, because I normally can remember these stupid useless details.
I know it was some kind of jazz bar/restaurant, but that’s it. I can’t remember much about it – something about the location, but not much.
It’s really bugging me. What’s worse is that I know it shouldn’t annoy me – it was something for half a day, back in what must’ve been 1993/94. I shouldn’t really even recall that I’d been there, so little does it matter.
But up there in my head, for whatever reason, it does matter. I’ll figure it out, I’m sure.
Missing Pink
Posted: Thu 1 July, 2010 Filed under: 1BEM, Charm School, Domestic, Driving, Introspective, Stupidity 2 Comments »Following on from yesterday’s post about Pink, Portman Stadium, and signs in general, some extra thoughts…
1) I can be a total arse. I know that’s not really news, but all the same, it’s worth re-iterating.
2) I fucking hate getting lost, being late etc.
3) If I’ve had a crap day, my tolerance for 2) is particularly low, leading to qualifying even more for 1)
Tuesday was, however I look at it, an exceedingly crap day. Stuff had come up at work that had affected me – nothing seriously traumatic of negative, it’d just been one of those days. In all fairness I really wasn’t in the mood for a late night – particularly with the knowledge of an early start in the morning. (For a number of reasons, last working day of the month is a big day in the current job, and requires coming in earlier than usual)
So the afternoon/evening didn’t start off all that well, and my mood wasn’t the best. Not being able to find the stadium just pissed me off a lot, and I didn’t do what I should’ve done, which was either
- Stop and think a bit
- Call someone else already there and find out how to get there
- Use the iPhone to do the same as 2
- Stop somewhere and ask someone.
I should have done one or more of those. Instead I got locked in to trying to find the place by driving along the A14.
Admittedly, I also didn’t expect the stadium to be in the town/city centre. All the other stadia (stadiums? I dunno) I know of are on the outskirts, not in the centre. Manchester, Norwich, Oxford, Crewe, Stockport – all on the outskirts. I also kind of expect there to be signs to say where the hell to go – after all, it’s not like a stadium is somewhere that no-one ever goes to.
But anyway, I did get pissed off, and went home. It wasn’t my smartest move, but it was the one I did.
No excuses for it at all, just sometimes an extra explanation is worthwhile.
Hey Ho.
Antidepressed
Posted: Thu 15 April, 2010 Filed under: 2009/10, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Health, Introspective, Thoughts, Writing 2 Comments »A couple of weeks back I wrote about making an appointment to see the doctor about depression, lack of motivation, lack of drive etc. etc. I didn’t – and still don’t – want to ask for help, but I know that in my current state I have/had to.
Yesterday was the day of the appointment. 7am and I’m at the doctors. That’s never going to be the start of a good day…
Anyway, I talked through some of the stuff with the GP – who’s extremely wet and wanky, but means well. Better than being completely useless I suppose. But you never really get the impression he could give much of a damn one way or t’other. I suppose that’s one of the risks of being a GP though.
And now I’ve got a prescription for Citalopram, an SSRI anti-depressant. I’m going to take them, and see how things go.
I’m not happy about being on these pills, but I’m at the point where I know that I need something to break the cycle/spiral I’ve got into. This is the first step in that process. Well technically it’s the third step, I suppose- the first one was acknowledging I’m in that cycle at all, and the second was doing something about it by going to the GP.
I don’t like the thought of being reliant on pills or medication – I’m crap at even taking painkillers unless I really need them.
Also I can’t help but wonder what I’ll be like on anti-depressants. I’ve been living with depression for such a long time now, I wonder what changes there’ll be if it’s not around. It’ll be interesting to find out, anyway.
Remembrance Day
Posted: Wed 11 November, 2009 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, Memory, Thoughts Leave a comment »With proud thanksgiving, a mother for her children,
England mourns for her dead across the sea.
Flesh of her flesh they were, spirit of spirit,
Fallen in the cause of the free.Solemn the drums thrill: Death august and royal
Sings sorrow up into immortal spheres.
There is music in the midst of desolation
And a glory that shines upon our tears.They went with songs to the battle, they were young,
Straight of limb, true of eye, steady and aglow.
They were staunch to the end against odds uncounted,
They fell with their faces to the foe.They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old;
Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.They mingle not with laughing comrades again;
They sit no more at familiar tables of home;
They have no lot in our labour of the day-time;
They sleep beyond England’s foam.But where our desires are and our hopes profound,
Felt as a well-spring that is hidden from sight,
To the innermost heart of their own land they are known
As the stars are known to the Night;As the stars that shall be bright when we are dust,
Moving in marches upon the heavenly plain,
As the stars that are starry in the time of our darkness,
To the end, to the end, they remain.
“For the Fallen” by Laurence Binyon, originally published in The Times on 21 September 1914, and the source of the more common “Ode to Remembrance”
Self Perception
Posted: Wed 22 July, 2009 Filed under: Health, Introspective, Thoughts, Weight Loss 1 Comment »One of the big issues for me when it comes to my weight is my own perception of it – or the lack thereof, I’m not sure which.
Firstly, there’s the simple fact that I’m pretty big anyway, although I’m not going to use (and never have used) the excuse of being “big-boned” for being the weight I am. However, one can’t escape the simple fact that (as I’ve said before) I’m still 6’3″(ish) tall, and have a chest measurement that’s at least 50″ on it’s own. And that’s a chest measurement, not a belly one – so we’re talking structure, not flab. All told, my body can take a fair bit of weight without looking like I’m fat.
Second, my mum (in particular) is by no means slim – that’s not meant nastily, simply a statement of fact – which has done something to my perceptions of size, in that “normal” in my head most definitely isn’t Size Ten, or whatever.
The third thing is that on the rare occasions I see a TV programme like “Biggest Loser” or whatever, I try to compare my own weight with that of the competitors. And that’s a problem – because I simply don’t have the rolls of fat that appear on them, even when those people are spposedly lighter than the just-over-300pounds that I am currently. (And yes, I know that I’m probably taller than they are too, etc. etc.)
I know I’m overweight, I know I need to lose some – and I’m working on it, of which more later in the week – but somewhere along the line I need to believe it as well as know it, if that makes any sense…
Time Padding
Posted: Thu 26 February, 2009 Filed under: Creativity, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Introspective, Thoughts 2 Comments »Over the last two (nearly 2½) years, I’ve been banging on about my five-year plan, and the work that’s been going into it. The project is still going on, but I think I may need to add a year to it. That’s annoying to me – it means that I get it done by the time I turn 41 instead of 40 (and fuck me, does that really mean I’m going to be 40 in 2½ years? Shit) and thus lose some of the nice roundedness of the idea. It also means that I don’t live up to the ‘five-year’ part of the title.
The thing is, since the inception of the plan, there’ve been things going on that have delayed some of the work I planned on doing. The house purchase – and the ongoing work on the house – has had a significant effect on some of the plans, as we’ve been doing one hell of a lot that wasn’t really in the initial plan as such. Yes, they’re in the original set of planned tasks – but I wasn’t realistic about how long they’d take, or how much work would be involved.
So that’s one thing that’s kind of superceded other plans.
But the other one has been far sneakier, and far harder to get to grips with. It’s one I’m familiar with (and it’s mentioned in the categories up there) but that I don’t always see without some hindsight. Yes, I’m referring (of course) to Ye Olde Depression. Again.
I still don’t know if I’ve actually been fully depressed – but I do know that for the last eighteen months or so my motivation has been pretty much non-existent. The ideas have still been there, and some things have sparked some desire to work on them, but the real motivation to work just hasn’t. I’ve let things drift, or not started them at all. OK, the bits for this year are coming on, and there’s a couple that can be checked off, I still feel like I’m lagging behind.
I’m working on it – things this year have started off OK, and the motivation appears to be on its way back – but right now I’m not sure whether to add a year to the target, or leave it as it stands for now, and just see how I do.
I suspect that for now it might be the latter plan – I’d rather do the five years and see where I am at that point, to be honest – but it’s something that’s worth thinking about as time goes on. I’ll most likely review it come November, when there’s only two years left on the list.
But of course any ideas or suggestions are welcome in the meantime…
Online vs. Offline
Posted: Fri 9 January, 2009 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective 1 Comment »Over at the Guardian’s “Comment is Free”, Anna has written a fantastic piece about Virtual people, real friends.
She puts it far far better than I ever could – and it’s well worth reading the entire piece.
“For the first time in history we’re lucky enough to choose friends not by location or luck, but pinpoint perfect friends by rounding up people with amazingly similar interests, matching politics, senses of humour, passionate feelings about the most infinitesimally tiny hobby communities. The friends I have now might be spread wide, geographically, but I’m closer to them than anyone I went to school with, by about a million miles.”
Weighty Issues – Further Thoughts
Posted: Mon 5 January, 2009 Filed under: Domestic, Health, Introspective, Thoughts 9 Comments »Following on from my post about weight etc. at the end of last year (OK, less than a week ago) and the comments that came, I thought I’d add some more thoughts about it now we’re into 2009.
During my time off, I looked at Basal Metabolic Rate (BMR, not BMI), which is basically sufficient only for the functioning of the vital organs, but gives a rough idea of what calories the body burns just to keep going. And mine works out (on an admittedly rough working out, rather than the full-precision test) as being about 2,000 to 2,500 calories, depending on the equation used.
I don’t yet know what that means for me – if it’s anywhere even vaguely close to right, I assume it means that I should be taking on at least that amount of calories per day just to break even. I also assume that if my intake is less than that (and I’m pretty sure it’s significantly less than 2,500 per day) then my body thinks it’s starving, and thus stores everything as fat instead of using it or burning it up. That’s no surprise, it’s been put forward as an idea a couple of times over the years already.
The thing is though, that if I do attempt to eat more in accordance with things like BMR figures, and recommendations from gyms etc. I just put weight on. I know, it’s because the body still thinks it’s starving and is processing into fat for storage rather than actually using the damn calories, but it’s one of the most demoralising things around – I want to get fitter, not fatter. And no-one gives any idea of how long it’ll take for my body to get used to the idea of not being starved, and use the calories instead of store them. If it’s only a couple of weeks then fine – if it’s a couple of months or more, not so fine.
Later in the year, come spring-time, I might just get out on my bike again. That appeals a lot more than going running – although running does have a certain strange appeal, just not at my current weight – but well, we’ll see. I do want to get more use out of the bike (although there’s no fucking way I’m ever going to be cycling the 25 miles to/from the current job!) so we’ll see.
In the meantime, I’m working on going to the gym on a more regular basis. It’s currently not helped by the fact I’m still coughing up lumps of lung (or the contents thereof – I’m not doing analysis to find out which) which leaves me feeling like shit, but even getting back to the basic routine of gym attendance is probably a good thing in the long term, I guess.
Weighty Issues
Posted: Wed 31 December, 2008 Filed under: Domestic, Health, Introspective 4 Comments »Over 2008, one thing I planned to do was lose some weight. I know I’ve added more on, and I wrote about it back in August time when we joined up with the new gym that opened locally. At the moment I’ve still got a couple of months ’til the first dollop of membership expires, and in that time I really should start going.
You see, over the last three months I just haven’t had the motivation. (Or, in a lot of cases, the time) I know I should go, I know I need to go in order to lose the weight I’ve put on – but despite that knowing, the actual “OK, I’m going” hasn’t clicked into place.
The thing is, I don’t over-eat – I don’t sit at my desk with chocolate galore, nor am I a biscuit fiend, or a fast-food junkie. (Well, OK, I am a biscuit-fiend, but as a result we don’t buy many biscuits at all, otherwise I’d have an excuse) At home we both eat healthily (Usually vegetarian, occasionally fish, and very little ‘junk’ food) and not to excess. I admit, my portion control could probably do with a bit of work, but that’s it. Even on a diet, I don’t lose much weight – and most of the people we’ve talked to about it say I should eat more, not less, which is something I just can’t get my head round at all.
The lack of motivation gym-wise isn’t helped by the fact that the gym is now in exactly the opposite direction to my workplace, so to go to the gym I drive past the route home. It’s not much of an excuse – it’s not meant to be – but it still contributes. Equally, it’s not open late in the evenings, so we can’t go home, eat, relax, then go.
But all told, it’s really the motivation thing – I know I should go, and I should organise myself better in order to go. I just haven’t done so.
The stupid thing about it all is that I’m not actually happy with my weight being where it is – but at the same time, nor do I worry/care enough about it to want to do anything about it. It’s all a bit of a Catch 22 at the moment – logic and emotion tell me I need to do it, but the motivation side of things, yeah, that’s just not happening. And I don’t really understand why.
I want to go back in the New Year, and see how it goes. But if I’m honest, I don’t know – we’ll see.
Twelve Months
Posted: Mon 31 December, 2007 Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Introspective Leave a comment »It occurred to me recently that I hadn’t written much about depression of late – and there’s been a number of reasons for that. Anyway, it seems as good a time as any to do it, what with 2008 being just round the corner and so on.
In a lot of ways, 2007 has been quite a tough year for me – there’s been a lot of work going on, but I’ve found myself prone to occasional deep bouts of blah, where all motivation and interest fall out the window. Some of it has been due to sheer workload throughout the year – in the last year we’ve bought a house, (and all the fun that entailed) done a load of work on it, moved in, continued working on it, worked in/on the garden, and made a whole bundle of alterations. (Of which there’ll be even more in 2008) At the same time, while I’ve stayed working for the same primary place all year (again, something that will change in ’08) I’ve also worked on a whole range of other sites and so on privately. So overall the workload has been pretty high.
But the thing that’s hit me the hardest, oddly enough, has been the weather. While we had a couple of decent months early in the year with lots of warmth and sunlight, the rest of the year really hasn’t lived up to the initial promise, and it seems to have been predominantly grey and grotty – which has a major effect on my levels of depression and so on. May/June in particular were tough, as I don’t think we had one decent day in that time, and it hit me seriously hard. The rest of the year has been a bit better, but not by much.
How can I tell? Because autumn and winter haven’t really had any noticeable effect on my levels of blah – they’re already way down, so the change is nowhere near as significant as it has been in other years.
There’ve been other bits along the way as well, but over all it’s just been a bit of a grind to get through this year. All I can do is hope that 2008 is at least slightly easier to get through, or at least that the weather’s better, and so I can deal with some of it via the power of sunlight.
’tis.
Posted: Tue 25 December, 2007 Filed under: Domestic, Festering Season, Introspective 1 Comment »
‘Tis the season to be jolly say “bollocks”.
Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la.
I’m taking the dog out for a walk. Hibernation seems like a good plan, but instead the demands of animals is upon us.
More tomorrow.
Lose Some Weight in ’08
Posted: Wed 14 November, 2007 Filed under: Domestic, Health, Introspective, Thoughts Leave a comment »One of the things I know I really should/need to do over the next year is get back into going to the gym, doing more exercise of whatever type, and generally lsing some weight.
This last year, and particularly following on from the farce with Holmes Place (Now Virgin Active, but still scumbag dickheads) I lost all real motivation to keep going to the gym, which was a habit I’d managed to get in to before starting work in Cambridge.
About two months ago, we did get round to joining the one in Dereham, although not paying a monthly subscription – and maybe that’s part of the problem as well. Because it’s “Pay as you go” rather than “Pay regardless” it means that there’s still not actually much drive to get us there. If they were taking £35 a month from us and we weren’t using it, we’d feel far more guilty, and would have more drive to go.
At the same time, this year we’ve been hyper-busy with stuff on the house and garden, which has also added to our lack of motivation for going to the gym. Of course, working in the garden should also add to the general exercise regime, and probably will, but it’s not quite the same as a gym session.
So I know that in the new year (possibly before then, although the way the next seven weeks are looking at the moment, I wouldn’t guarantee it) I need to do more on the exercise and fitness front. It won’t just be the gym, I suspect – I still want to get back into the archery, but when it’s only held on a Sunday, it eats in to the time I’ve got for dealing with house stuff too. Still, I’ll look round, see what other clubs are available – I don’t mind taking up an evening with going, but a Sunday is (at the moment anyway) a bit too much.
I also need to think about getting the bike back on the road – I had it serviced and repaired recently, so that it’s in full working order again, but then just haen’t been using it, or really feeling like I want to get out and use it. I may make use of it in the time between Christmas and New Year, when I’m not working, and see how things go.
All told though, I know that I need to get back to where I was in mid 2006, regularly going to the gym and generally getting into it, losing a fair amount of weight, and gaining a commensurate amount of fitness. I know I need to do it, but I still need to locate the motivation to actually do so. And that’s what I need to work on first, breaking back into the habit, and wanting to go, rather than “just” knowing I need to.
Moving Around
Posted: Sun 11 November, 2007 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »In one way (OK, at least one way) the last three years have been quite odd, in that I seem to have gone back down the ‘town-size’ ladder. I think some people (mainly estate agents and the like) call it downsizing, but that’s not true either – this is about the size of the place we live in, not the house we live in. Ah, I know what I mean, anyway.
The basic premise is this – I grew up in a small market town. Not a bad place to grow up, I admit, if boring as hell. But since then (and we’ll cut out some of the jogging about) in order I’ve lived in…
- Woburn : (Another) Small market town
- Rugby : Large Town
- Whitstable : Small Town
- Burnham Beeches : Village
- Worcester: Town
- Weymouth: Large Town
- Oxford : City
- Manchester : Large City
- Bracknell:
Utter fucking dumpLarge Town - Attleborough : Small town
- Current Location, just outside Attleborough: Village
So all told, I’ve lived in most types of city/town/village. Those are just the main places, I’ve done a lot of shorter terms in places as well, so they’re just the bullet points really. (Now there’s a phrase I never thought I’d see myself saying) But definitely the last four places have been a defined order towards living somewhere like where we are now – and it suits me just fine.
In a lot of ways, I feel I’ve kind of “done” my entire city-living thing, and now while I don’t have the things I used to love about city living in easy reach, instead I have other things that really work for me now – peace, no traffic noise, proper darkness, lots of cracking photo locations, and all that jazz. Oh, and also the gardenm and all the potential that holds.
Would I go back to living in a city? Probably not, unless I absolutely had to. Circumstances may change over the years, but I definitely far prefer being in a village for life things in general.
Book Intake
Posted: Thu 25 October, 2007 Filed under: Getting Organised, Introspective Leave a comment »As I’ve observed before, I’m normally a pretty voracious reader – I get through (on average) two or three books a week, and normally have at least two on the go at once. Actually, that’s an improvement from (to some perceptions) on how I used to be, where I’d have four or five on the go – when I worked in Oldham it wasn’t unknown for me to have one book upstairs, one downstairs, one for the bus/train, and even (on occasion) one that got left in the office for me to read at lunchtime.
As it is, I now tend to “just” have one at home and one for work and travelling to work. (depending on my mood on the train, and how crammed it is – a laptop isn’t always the most convenient thing to use) I’ve also got a whole library of eBooks I could/should be reading, but just can’t be arsed to get round to ’til I actually need them.
This week, though, has been a bit odd. While I was away, I started on the new Peter Hamilton novel doorstop, and that’s something I just can’t be arsed with lugging about on a daily basis. I didn’t have anything else on Tuesday, and I forgot to put a new one in my bag for Wednesday.
And I’ve actually missed having something to read – particularly at lunch time, when I normally go out, grab a sandwich, then sit somewhere in the sun (or at least in fresh(ish) air) and read for half an hour before heading back to the fray. As it is, I need to go into the garage this weekend and open up one of the boxes of stored books – I want something “new” to read, and it’ll be fun to rediscover some of the bits that’ve been packed away for a while. In the meantime, I’ve got something from the current bookshelves so everything is back to normal, but it’s definitely been weird over the last couple of days, not having that reading matter available when I want to read it.
Get Up And Go
Posted: Wed 24 October, 2007 Filed under: Introspective, Thoughts, Travel 1 Comment »Or the last couple of days, I’ve been thinking (again) about the way my body and brain work in the mornings. It’s interesting to me because the way I work just doesn’t appear to be the way most other people do when it comes to this early morning guff.
First of all, I know that my body-clock is deeply screwed. ‘Twas always thus. The main part of it seems to be that I actualy get proper sleep between the hours of 7am and 9am – which is obviously fairly unfeasible with regard to work, for obvious reasons. If I get to sleep between 7 and 9, I’m pretty good for the rest of the day. On the other hand, if I’m woken up in that time, I’m like a bear with a sore head for the rest of the day.
As a result, I tend to get up earlier than 7am. About 5.30, for the most part. In many ways it actually suits me – I get the 7am train to work, I’m in just after 8am, I leave at about 3.45pm, get home for about six, and all’s good. In some ways I would say I’m on autopilot for the first few hours, but that’s not really true. Admittedly when I’m getting up I do use/need some form of routine, so I can do stuff while gradually waking up.
But the thing is, the alarm goes off, and bang, I’m awake and moving. I don’t do this thing of lying in bed, I just get moving. I’ve always been like that to some degree – even at school age I would get up ad go, rather than trying t stay in bed. It’s just the way I’m wired. It shifted up a gear when I was running shops, pubs and hotels, because of having to be able to deal with alarms in the middle of the night, and all that joy.
I’ve never really lost that ability. I’m sat on the train while writing this, going to work. It’s 7am, and a good 80-85% of the other passengers are asleep while I’m writing stuff for D4D™, and also doing other stuff for clients, writing web pages, database migration bits and the like.
I was thinking about this yesterday morning too, while driving to work. I’d woken up at half five, and was on the road by six. Not tired at all – although God knows, I should’ve been- and absolutely fine to drive. Admittedly, I stopped off for a quick break at about eight, just for breakfast, but that was it – no tiredness and no hassle.
I don’t know why I’m wired this way, but given the choice of sleeping an extra hour on the train, or getting work and writing done, I know which I prefer.
Weight Loss- Motivators and Demotivators
Posted: Fri 14 September, 2007 Filed under: Cynicism, Domestic, Health, Introspective 3 Comments »After the general success of my weight loss over the last two years, I’ve kind of slacked off so far this year, and I’ve seen the effects of it. Of course, I can chuck up a number of excuses, all of which are at least fairly valid – we’ve been busy with the entire moving (twice), total relocation from Berkshire to Norwich, buying the house, working on the house and garden, blah blah blah. All true, all valid.
But at the same time, well, I just couldn’t be chuffed with going to a gym, or whatever. We’ve still been eating sensibly in general, and all the usual dog-walking stuff and the like, but I still just can’t be chuffed with exercising. The other part was that I was leery of joining another gym after the Holmes Place farago at the end of last year. (And even though they’re now owned by Virgin Active, they’re still a bunch of useless shitbags who keep on calling me to go in and try out the place again now it’s been taken over)
I’m working on it again now, mind you – we’ve just joined up with a new local(ish) leisure centre that’s got the gym, the pool, so on and so forth. As yet we’re just trying it out, and bought what they call a “Leisure Card” which’ll give us about a 20-25% discount each time we go, rather than signing up for a year’s contract again. We’ll see how it goes.
I’m also getting the bike repaired and serviced – as I posted over the weekend, I finally got it in to the local cycle shop, so we’ll see how that does while it’s there.
Working on my motivation is something else entirely. I know I need to lose some weight again, but I can’t deny, I find it far too easy to lose motivation on that score – and the main reason for it is something to do with vanity.
You see, in my head, weight loss should equate with changing the size of one’s clothes. I should be able to go from (for example) a 50″ chest to a 40″ – over time, of course, we’re not talking ‘in four weeks’, or from an XL shirt to an L . That’s what weight loss should do – according to my brain, anyway.
But with me, regardless of whether I lose weight or not, I’ll be in the same size clothes. My build is large anyway – my shoulders can’t change or lose weight, neither can my basic chest-size. The majority of my fat is on my stomach, so even trouser sizes won’t drop – the lower half of my body is actually pretty fit, due to lots of walking, so there’s not a lot to lose there either. Yes, I know I’m shallow and all that, but that simple fact of not changing clothing sizes is enough to demotivate me on the entire thing. Pathetic, isn’t it?
Intellectually, I know I need to lose weight again – my stomach region has grown, and I do want to lose that or at least reduce it significantly again. I know I need to do it, and to increase my fitness at the same time. But I also need to change my perceptions or motivators – I need to find something that makes me want to lose weight, because when all’s said and done, my clothing size isn’t going to change for the better, regardless of how much work I do.
Writing Ambition
Posted: Sat 18 August, 2007 Filed under: D4D™, Introspective, Thoughts, Writing 1 Comment »Having seen D4D™ hit its fifth birthday recently has made me start doing a fair amount of thinking. Well, it’s more the combination of D4D™ being five, and watching “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip“. Which just makes things even weirder.
One of the things that I wanted to do with D4D™ when I started it was to build up my writing. I used to do a lot of writing of other stuff, and along the way I churned out two novel-length (OK, if I’m honest, one novel-length, one novella-length) pieces of work. At the time they were more about therapy than anything else, but they were OK – and Herself had copies of both of them from when I initially did them. I re-read them recently and while they’re not good exactly – there’s stuff that’s too self-referential and/or indulgent, and a lot of it is “of it’s time”, shall we say – nor are they bad, either.
Anyway, along the way, D4D™ has become a bit of an entity of its own. I’ve written (at the time of doing this piece) some 4,500 posts over five years, amounting to just under 630,000 words- not including the rants and thoughts. A fair amount of it is crap, obviously – but with a fair amount of OK and good stuff thrown into the mix too. (He said, modestly) But at the same time, D4D™ is a greedy beast, and I spend more time writing odds and sods for here , which means that rather than fuelling the drive, impetus and maybe even need to write, instead it’s become the outlet, and that requirement to write is the fuel for D4D™ instead.
And where does Studio 60 come into it? Simple, really. Aaron Sorkin is one of my writing gods – I absolutely adore West Wing, and I think Studio 60 is another part of that pantheon, although I can also understand why it got canned after one season.
Over the weekend, Gordon pondered what would we do if we won the lottery. The thing I would do in that circumstance would be to take a year completely out of work (well, out of paid work, anyway) and instead use that time to put fingers to keyboard, and work to bring about some of the writing ideas that’ve taken up residence in my head over the years.
And that’s the dream, really. A life/job where the creative side takes precedence, so that I can both write and take photos for a living. The odds are fairly long that I’ll ever get there, although I still want to try.
But if I’m going to do that, perhaps D4D™ needs to go on pause, so that I have to find another outlet for the writing. It’s not going to happen just yet, but it’s something to think about. And it’s something I am thinking about. I don’t know whether it would work, but it’s something that I might just have to try…
Seasonal?
Posted: Sat 14 July, 2007 Filed under: Depression, Introspective Leave a comment »From the perspective of seasonal depression, this year has been decidedly odd. I know I’m badly affected in winter, when I don’t get enough sunlight, and I work fairly hard to make sure that I get out as much as possible during the (very few) daylight hours in order to alleviate the depression symptoms as much as possible.
However, I’ve also noticed this year that I’ve been affected quite a lot by the constant grey overcast skies. It’s not rocket science – hell, in hindsight it’s pretty fucking obvious why I was affected this way – but all the same I hadn’t figured it out ’til recently. Sure, I’ve known I’ve been fairly depressed, that my motivation and inspiration levels were well down on usual, but I couldn’t figure out why.
Of course, now that we’re back into some weather that actually bears a resemblance to summer (in that at least it’s not grey and overcast all day) I’m beginning to feel better again. So I’ve definitely been affected by the last six weeks or so of consistent grey skies and rainfall.
Hardly a surprise, I suppose. Well, with hindsight, anyway. At the time it was strange, and I just couldn’t figure it out. Still, I’ll know for the future…
Taking Photography Forward
Posted: Thu 12 July, 2007 Filed under: Introspective, Photography, Thoughts Leave a comment »Yesterday I was writing a bit about the portfolio site, and what to do with it. At the same time, I’ve also been looking at what I need to do as the next ‘phase’ of the photography that I do. And when all’s said and done, the simple answer to that one is ‘take more photos’. It’s when you get to the question of ‘What of?’ that my brain currently stumbles a bit.
As it is, I’ve got several projects in mind, and once I’ve started them off, I’ll be fine – it’s just those initial stages where getting started requires some energy, inspiration, and motivation. Not necessarily in that order. But they’re the bits in which I’m currently lacking quite significantly.
In the mean time, I’ve also gone back to some earlier ideas, and been thinking about the best ways to get certain photos I want to try. Currently my big weakness is that I’m really bad at just asking people if I can take photos of them, even when they’re in a public place, and in theory I don’t even need to ask permission at that point. As it is though, well, I feel uncomfortable doing that – although I feel even more uncomfortable asking people. I’ve ordered some business cards, though, which will hopefully come in handy. To my mind, it’s all too easy to just say “I’d like to take your photo – I’m legit, honest!” without any corroboration, and I figure that the cards might help a bit on that score, and at least lend the semblance of being somewhat competent. We’ll see.
At the same time, I’m considering getting some decent(ish) notepaper done up – it won’t be too expensive, and again it’s probably going to come in useful. I know I need (or, more accurately, feel the need) to gain permission from certain places before going off to photograph them, so again it strikes me that having a request come through on ‘proper’ paper, rather than just any old printer paper might be a bit of a bonus.
As with many things this year, I suspect that a lot of this is all about initally “laying out the groundwork”, getting everything in place so that when I do have the inclination/motivation/energy, I don’t have to hang around doing the organisational scutwork – by that time, everything will be as in place as I can make it.
Photomotive
Posted: Wed 11 July, 2007 Filed under: Getting Organised, Introspective, Photography 1 Comment »Of late, I’ve been updating my photography portfolio site with more photos, and also looking at what the next stage should be, what I should be doing next. On that score, I’ve now got some ideas, and I’ll be aiming to start putting them in action over the next month or two.
When I look at the portfolio site, though, I still wonder whether I should add a photoblog or not. At the moment, I know I couldn’t add a new photo every day in the same way that Chromasia or DDOI do. But then maybe if I had the incentive to do so, I would.
At the same time, though, I wonder if a photoblog is what I actually want. It’s a portfolio, at the end of the day – do I want to then be adding in regular images to a different section? Particularly if they’re done on a regular basis, and thus perhaps not up to the level where I want the site to be? That’s my problem – as yet I still don’t know. Of course, the easy answer is that if I don’t know, then I’m not yet ready to do it, and that’s fine with me as well. Maybe it’s just something I need to think about for the future.
As it is, the front page of the site updates the main image every time the page reloads. Maybe for now that’s enough…
Routine
Posted: Sat 5 May, 2007 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, Thoughts Leave a comment »In general, I seem to be quite happy with a fairly chaotic life. I’ve never really done the entire ‘career path’ thing – and if pushed I’d probably still stick with the definition of ‘career’ as ‘to ricochet wildly from place to place’ instead of the more standard ‘job progression’ definition.
However, in other ways I have put a lot of routine into my life. There’s a good reason for this, which I’ll get to in a minute, but I am aware that in many ways my days are quite routine when seen in the context of someone who professes to prefer a chaotic life. In fact, in general you can predict the rough outline of my days quite easily – when I’m likely to get up, what my morning activities will be, where I’ll go for lunch, that kind of thing. It’s not to any serious OCD-like level, but yeah, there’s a definite schedule to a fair amount of what I do.
Actually, there’s two primary reasons, if I think about it. First is that human life doesn’t really manage all that well when faced with a truly random lifestyle. The brain likes a routine, for whatever reason. And a ‘normal’ working life also imposes on that routine – the train timetable, the working hours, the 7½hour working day, they all combine to make a routine for a major portion of the day.
The second reason is rather more personal – if I have a sketched-out routine, I can deal with it even when my brain isn’t working at full power. And in the days where I was suffering from really serious insomnia, it was a good bet than when I was awake, I wasn’t operating on anywhere near full power. Hell, it would’ve needed passport control to even get into the same country as full power. So a routine allowed me to operate on what could be fairly termed as ‘autopilot’ – and operate fairly well. Most of the time, unless I was working on far too long with minimal sleep, moost people probably didn’t even realise how badly sleep-stumped I was.
Now though, I seem to be doing a bit better for sleep. Or at least it’s nowhere near as bad as it used to be. It’s still incredibly disturbed, and so shallow that even Hound walking around will wake me up, but it’s better than it ever used to be. And the routine is still there – I’m not as sure why, now, except that it’s just ingrained into my subconscious.
Personality Profiles – Part Two
Posted: Sat 7 April, 2007 Filed under: Getting Organised, Introspective, Thoughts 1 Comment »For the first part, look here.
So yes. while I’m seriously aware that my ideas and attitude towards projects can be somewhat flighty, shall we say, I’m working on it. I know what the problem is, and over the last few years I’ve been – well, if not working on it, working with it, bearing it in mind, and trying to alter my workstyle in order to accommodate it a bit.
And so far, it’s actually been fairly successful. In some ways it’s slowed me down a bit, because I can’t/won’t just get an idea and run with it- but at the same time it’s meant that I’m actually more productive, because each idea goes from start to finish, and comes to a completion point, (in general – there’s one exception at the moment, although I’m going back to that one over the next couple of weeks, and one long-term one that’s kind of faded out a bit) before I get started on the next one. It’s meant that I’m churning out roughly one site a month – as well as my normal work – which is a quick enough process to keep me going without getting bored.
On the downside, it means my brain is rather more ‘full’ of ideas, which are all in a bit of a queue. Some of that is my own fault, because I find it easier (in general) to keep those ideas inside my head, rather than writing them down on paper, or having any kind of reference material. I could/should have a notepad of ideas – whether in the form of a notebook, or just a bundle of text-files on the laptop (of course, the latter option is rather more feasible for the way I work) so that I don’t forget any of the things I’m considering, but at the same time I know that if I were to dump out some of those ideas from my head onto some other media, I’d then come up with other ones to ‘fill’ the ‘space’ in my head. So in some ways I’m again acknowledging and accommodating my traits and flaws in order to get a better or more stable working process.
I think there’s still a long way to go before I know for sure that this set of ideas has worked – or, of course, not. But so far the progress has been good, and it’s always interesting (well, to me, at least) to come up with ways of working that actually integrate with personality traits.
And maybe that’s where the ‘Shaper’ definition from Belbin comes back into play…
Five Year Plan : 10% done
Posted: Thu 5 April, 2007 Filed under: D4D™, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Introspective, Own Business, Photography, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »So, back on November 5th I turned 35, and started what I semi-laughingly refer to as a five-year plan. I’m only working on it year-to-year, and doing it mainly through non-new-year ‘resolutions’ – although they might as well be a to-do list, really. In my head I hold what is pretty much the full development curve of what to do and when, but really I’m working on it on that year-at-a-time basis. It makes for something vaguely resembling a sane approach to the entire thing.
The final goal? Making enough money that I can make my own choices, and do my own things, rather than being tied to a job for the next thirty years. (Twenty-five, by the end of the project). There’s some other stuff in there as well, but that’s the bottom line. One of the things about me is that I have loads of ideas that could, should, or might make money, but for various reasons over the years I’ve failed to follow them through and see how they did in reality instead of theory. Since last November 5th, I’ve been working on making them into reality, and seeing how I do. With most of them, the initial costs are pretty low (and intentionally so) so that if any of the ideas do take off, it won’t take a lot to knock them into profitability.
We’re now six months in, so I thought I’d jot out a little progress statement, just to see where things are going…
- Photography
Get a Macro Lens- Get a Wide-Angle Lens
Finish the Portfolio website– completed, and with extra uploads when necessary- Sell/Publish some stuff – working on it
- Join a local club
Get a decent flash– Done, a Speedlite 580EX- New : Start aiming to get work and projects – Started, and ongoing
- Writing
- Finish at least one piece of writing – working on it
- When a piece is finished submit it to the right people
- Just see how things go
- Write more on d4d™? Maybe.
- Work / Websites
- Build and work on the other ideas I’ve got in my head – working on it, and getting some of them sorted
- Work (as always) on smaller sites, and do as many as possible – so far, three new sites launched, as well as the photography portfolio
Sort out permanent job for the first part of ’07 while we’re house-buying etc.– All done, and no need to get that nasty ‘proper’ job after all- Redesign d4d™? It’s about time…
Merge lots of hosting accounts into one reseller account, and onto one server– done- New : Start getting better at invoicing for work done – in progress, and all being done a lot more efficiently
- New : Develop some ideas in partnership with others, and see how they do
- Education
Sign up with Open University– initially for a refresher course, and work from there- Look at an official course/qualification in Photography?
- Other
Restart the Archery once we’ve moved– booked, but not attended yetComplete the move to Norfolk– all done- New :
Buy a car– git it insured, all that.
So actually, the first six months has been very productive. All the foundations have been laid now, the website hosting agreements rationalised and merged where it’s necessary or beneficial to do so. In fact, just doing that and merging most of them into one reseller account has saved me £150 over the year, which is pretty impressive. In addition to that, the invoices I sent out at the end of last year amounted to a few hundred quid, which was also surprising – they were all for small amounts, so I hadn’t really thought about the way it all added up. Actually, though, D4D™ is going to be moving off that reseller server, though – it needs a space of its own, and it’s just taking up too much of the space and bandwidth available on the reseller server, so it’s going to go back to being a seperate entity. And that actually makes some sense, keeping D4D™ seperate from business sites etc.
In addition, I’ve been able to average at getting one solid site out per month, as well as a couple of smaller basic designs and/or amendments to existing stuff. There’s a whole lot of new stuff and new connections coming through at the moment, and that’s all going to start coming together over the next six month period, I think. That’s the plan, anyway. There’s some initial steps that need to be taken in order to make sure that everything has the potential and stability to get through (sorry, I’m sounding enigmatic, and while that’s not really the intention, at the moment it’s certainly the necessity.)
Photographically, now that the portfolio site is completed, and being regularly updated, I can start getting in touch with publishers, agencies and the like. I’m also considering doing image-library stuff, but it’s about making sure the photos get the best use made of them. I’ve also got a few projects in mind that have a lot of potential commercially as well – although the main thing about them is that they’re things that interest me – otherwise, if I’m honest, there’d be no chance of me going through with them. And of course there’s going to be lots of pictures of Hound over the summer…
Oh, and let’s not forget, within that six months we’ve also moved to Norfolk, bought a house, gone through all the bureaucratic nightmares of that little endeavour, and come through it intact. Over the next 10%, we’ll be moving in, and sorting the new place out too.
It’s been a good start. There’s still a long way to go – 4½years, to be exact, but the initial steps have been promising. Long-term I’ve no idea whether my goals and plans are realistic or not – but this way well, there’s no way I’ll be able to say “I wish I’d tried xxx” – because I’m trying it all. As time progresses, I’ll get ruthless, and if the ideas aren’t working out, they’ll be culled. Darwinian business – the good ones survive, the bad ones fall by the wayside.
Work/Life Balance
Posted: Sat 31 March, 2007 Filed under: Animals, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, House Purchase, Introspective, Photography, Thoughts 1 Comment »One of the things that’s always being blethered about in TV programmes like “Relocation,Relocation” and the like is ‘Work/Life Balance’. It’s not a phrase I usually like, as it’s one of those things that’s usually indicative of someone who’ll spout every buzzword known to man at any given opportunity – but then at the same time it’s something I find myself thinking about more and more.
In fact, that was the exact motive behind the move to Norfolk. It’s also something I need to think about a lot more for the future, and how I want to plan things.
Of course, the real ‘balance’ side of things still isn’t going to happen this year – and possibly/probably not until even this time next year. There’s a lot that’ll need doing to the new house once we (finally) complete that process and move in. The garden needs a lot of work too, although I think Herself is going to do the majority of that – her fingers are far greener than mine. But there’s still going to be a fair amount of heavy labour involved. So over all, yes, I think it’ll most likely be April ’08 before we really start enjoying the place, rather than just working on it.
Work-wise, Norfolk really isn’t a great place for a web techie – well, not in the context of normal business stuff, anyway- unless, of course, you want to work in the IT department of Norwich Union. Which I really, really, really don’t want to do. It might mean that I end up working away from home during the week again, although there’s still some decisions to be made on that score too. But at the same time, and pretty much on the same timescale as the house stuff (i.e. over the next 12 months) I’m also aiming to get my own business up and moving, doing a number of smaller local sites, as well as that plan for launching my own sites, and seeing what works and what doesn’t with them.
At the same time, I’m also going to be working fairly hard on building up the photography portfolio as well. While Norfolk and its surrounds aren’t great for a web techie, they’re bloody marvellous for a photographer, and I wholly intend to take advantage of that over the coming months. Some of the ideas I’ve got on that score will have to wait now ’til Autumn comes around, but at the same time they may be all the better for it. Others really start coming into their own now, and would work less well come Autumn, so it all works out, one way or another.
In the end, I currently think that it’s going to be this time next year before things really settle down. There’s a lot to be done in that time, and it’s going to be a lot of work to get it all sorted.
But – and this is the thing – already we’re far, far happier, and more relaxed, than we were in Bracknell. Yes, the pace of some things (fucking house purchase) takes some getting used to, and in that kind of thing I’m still probably far too driven and impatient with buffoons, but well, that’s life.
Hound is definitely far happier out here – if for no other reason than that she gets to go to the beach fairly regularly, or on big long walks through Thetford Forest, or Knettishall Heath. But she’s more relaxed about other things as well – fireworks, jet planes, loud noises and so on. Of course, Hound being Hound, she finds other things to be stressed about instead – like the phone ringing – but we’re working on those. And once we’ve finally moved, we’ll have fields all around us, she’ll be able to go for decent walks on a more regular basis (for example, the morning one will be across fields, instead of the current use of the local recreation ground – if there’s one thing that Attleborough is bizarrely shit for, it’s places to walk dogs. On that score, Bracknell was far more useful)
It’s not just Hound, either. We’re (probably) more relaxed, allbeit in different ways. My commute takes a lot longer than it did from Bracknell to Wokingham (although nowhere near the shitebag day that involved working in London from Bracknell) but I get t sit on a train and usually see deer, hares, rabbits, and the occasional fox. (Of the four-legged russet-coloured variety, pervs) Or alternatively, F15s, Chinooks, or Blackhawk helicopters. (What can I say, I’m a geek) The train isn’t jam-packed with Blackberry-wielding tosspots, nor is it standing-room only. A good 95% of the time, I get to sit at a table, and either do some extra website work, or bash out rubbish like this. Or read. Whatever.
Herself has a job that is – in general – OK, and she seems happy with how everything’s working out. Or at least she will be once the fucking house purchase has completed. (Can you guess yet what our current main stressor has been? Thought not. I’ve avoided mentioning it so well.)
Yes, life at the moment is actually pretty good, and it’s beginning – just beginning, mind you – to feel like that elusive balance may not be so far out of reach after all.
Family
Posted: Tue 27 March, 2007 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, Thoughts, Weirdness Leave a comment »Attending my parent’s 40th wedding anniversary over the weeked was a very odd experience. It all went well, don’t get me wrong, but it was still strange.
Most of it, really, is down to just the way my family is. We’re not really a close family in many ways, and while I do stay in (fairly) regular contact with my parents (a phone call every couple of weeks, usually) and my brother (a text message every couple of weeks, and we see each other about once a year, usually) I don’t see the rest of them from one year to the next. And usually less than that.
So seeing pretty much all of them at once was deeply weird. And trying to remember names in order to introduce them to Herself was, frankly, a process that was always pretty well doomed. I got so many wrong, mainly by giving them the names of their siblings, which isn’t as bad as it could be (calling one great-uncle by the name of the other great-uncle, now deceased for three years was about as bad as it got – but still pretty bad!) but still fairly galling and embarassing.
The very strange ones, though, were my cousins, who (we worked out) I hadn’t seen in about ten years, if not more. Time flies, and all that crap. Having at least one complete stranger come up to me, know my name, know the basics of what I’d been up to, and having NO clue who they were at all – only for my brother to later confirm that he was one of my cousins – was pretty much the high/low point of the day. Mind you, at least I was honest, and said to him that I hadn’t a clue who he was – although I dont think he believed me.
But it made me think a lot about family, and about my role within it. I can’t deny, I’ve always been pretty much the black sheep of the lot, the one who’s not in touch, and has no intention of changing that. But at the same time, it now feels kind of weird to be so out of touch with my relatives. All the cousins now have partners, and in a couple of cases children – but I couldn’t tell you their names if my life depended on it. Only one comes to memory, and that’s because it’s a bloody horrible name, for which the kid will most likely be soundly beaten throughout his school days. As for the various partners, nope, not a clue.
I couldn’t tell you what the various birthdays are, or ages – hell, I have to make an effort to figure out my brother’s age (30 next year – heh) – nor could I tell you even where most of them live. Yeah, OK, I know the towns where they live, but addresses? Forget it.
And yet they all seem to know what I’m up to, where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing, and the like. I assume my mother must do some information dispersal about that, but it’s still weird, where they know what I’m doing, and I don’t know (and, to be honest, don’t really care) what they’re doing from one year to the next. Or indeed in some cases from one decade to the next.
Still, it all went OK, and it meant I got to take a fair number of photos as well ( willing / unknowing audiences are great) which I’ll also get prints of, and send them to the parents. Well, once I’ve edited them, and got rid of the crap ones. (I know there’s a couple of those, for sure)
Identity
Posted: Fri 23 March, 2007 Filed under: D4D™, Domestic, Introspective, Own Business, Thoughts 10 Comments »One of the things I thought about back when I first started D4D™ was the identity I used in it. I specifically didn’t want it linked with my given name, and I didn’t want people to be able to find D4D™ just by Googling for my name. I knew I could be pretty acerbic (hey, who’d have thought?) and that if D4D™ took off, I didn’t want it to be able to rise up and bite me on the arse in the future. Yeah, sure, if someone does a bit of delving, it’s not all that difficult to find my ‘real’ name, but at the same time it’s not all that easy, either.
In that aim, I’ve been pretty successful. I used an identity that had been around for a fair while already – which is a whole other story – and went with it. And in some ways it’s almost been too successful. It’s now not uncommon, depending on who I’m with, to be called ‘Lyle’ to my face – slightly bizarre, to say the least. I’m used to it – and believe me, it’s a strange thing to get used to, but it happens.
But I am used to it. I’ll answer to both. And in fact even my ‘real’ name isn’t the one I was born with. That one is one I hate- primarily because it’s a name with multiple spellings, and n-one ever got it right. When I first applied for a passport, and had to get a copy of my birth certificate, even when the people creating the copy birth certificate with a form in front of them with it correctly spelled managed to fuck it up. And that really was the final straw. I was already being known by the name I’d adopted, and it was on my bank account, mail addresses and the like, so I was able to include a letter with the passport application that said
“Look, this is my true given name, but even the register-office people can’t spell it correctly. This is what I’m known as, and I include proof of that. If you absolutely have to do the passport in my given name, fine, I’ll live with it – but please, save me ten years of hassle where booked flight tickets don’t match with passport name, and if possible do the passport in the name I’ve adopted”
And they did. No-one was more amazed than me, admittedly, but they did it. And that’s the name I’ve used ever since.
Yes, sure, it causes some weirdness – particularly when I meet someone I went to school with, or extended family. But – again – I’m used to it now, and those occasions are both (thankfully) now quite rare. (Although I do have one of those family things tomorrow – but more about that on the day, I think)
Recently, though, the entire Lyle thing has risen up and bitten me on the arse a little bit.
You see, for obvious reasons, the company I run for web design and the like is in my real name, and so is the stuff I do for photography and the like. And because of the seperation I keep, it means I can’t link from, say, D4D™ to the photography site while saying “Hey, this is my stuff, and my site – good, innit?”, and the like.
It’s a weird situation – and I can’t complain too much, because it’s entirely self-created, even if for sane, sensible reasons. Some people do know me in both identities (for want of a better phrase) – and a couple know me in all three, which is really confusing – and I’m wholly and continually thankful to them for indulging my little identity foibles, and keeping it all seperate. It must be almost as weird for them as it is on occasion for me.
The situation will stay like this, though – as the business I run does better, and that side of my life grows and grows, it’s something that becomes more and more essential. I’m pretty certain, though, that this is it – I don’t plan to start off any other identities, the current level is enough for me.
The Year So Far – and The Story of The Boy
Posted: Tue 20 July, 2004 Filed under: Domestic, Introspective, Thoughts, Writing Leave a comment »Well, I promised a piece when I got to the 200,000 mark, and I’ve been thinking about it since. There’s so much that has changed, that has clicked together in the last six months – it’s not just in the timescale since the 100,000 mark, although in some ways that adds a neat delineator to it all too. This post has the potential to be very deep and personal – something I try to avoid to a degree with d4d™, but what the hell, this seems as good a time as any. I may move it later, both to the Thoughts section, and also so it stays at the top of the page come Wednesday night when I’m travelling for a while. Anyway, if you don’t want to read that kind of thing, there’s plenty of silliness and bumnuggets elsewhere.
Back in January, when we welcomed in 2004, things were really quite different. Regular readers will know I was deep in the throes of depression, both seasonal and related to other sources. In many ways I really didn’t see a way out of where I was at the time, and it’s only time that’s got me through that. The kindness of the regulars here helped too, in ways too diverse to mention now – but the thanks and debts are still there for that. I was pretty much resigned to being single throughout the year, that it would pretty much mimic 2003 on that score – and even 2002. As it turned out, I couldn’t have been more wrong, but at the time, well, the light wasn’t even shining in the tunnel.
Since then, so much has changed – not all of it made public on here, but at the same time a lot of it has been implied. New avenues have opened, the potential for whole new vistas. And of course as soon as I’d come to terms with being single, with dedicating this year (and probably next) to sorting out the other things, the creative side that needs its venting points, and working towards those goals, well, everything changed. No, that’s not true – not everything has altered, but the landscape is earth-shatteringly different around those foundations.
I’ve still got a long way to go – self-doubt plagues me, and lack of confidence. Am I doing the right thing? Will it work? No-one knows, and I can’t answer yet. All I can do is work towards these goals, and do my utmost to make things work.
One person has changed whole vistas already, simply by being there. Options that weren’t even considered in January are now possible, feasible, perhaps even probable. Time will tell, but already the plans are grossly deviated from where they were – and I can’t see it as anything but good. Do we run the potential for heart-destroying hurt? Yeah, without a doubt. Is there also the potential for everything to be life-changingly good? Yeah, without a doubt.
However, doubts are something I still have. I’ve known this person for half my life, and always thought that she was beyond me – reasons I won’t go into for now, but yeah, definitely far out of my league. I still find myself thinking “Wow” on occasion. And no, not just on that kind of occasion, but on others too.
Obviously we both carry damage from previous history – and in some cases there’s a lot of it. So much to deal with – and in optimistic times I do feel we’ll get through all of it, overcome the pain, and be able to work well together.
But at other times, well, the boy whose soul and body got rented out reasserts itself, the core that still loathes itself and the things its done in the past. Self-destruction is in abeyance for now, but self-disgust still has its time. The doubts, wondering what she sees in me; the cynicism, that anyone who comes this close really has the keys to the castle, the potential to destroy the remnants inside the walls.
And yet there’s a frozen core still too – a place that hasn’t been visited, hasn’t been thawed in the best part of twenty years. That frozen core has kept me alive, given me the ability to simply cut off any further pain, add it to the icebox, and keep it there. When I’ve split up with people, the pain’s not felt, it’s just cut off, sliced away, and I carry on. I used to think it was hate and revenge – kept ice-cold so it didn’t explode. Now, well, I don’t know what it is. But I know it should be covered in biohazard signs for all to see.
That core scares me – I’ve always had the will, the desire, the need to keep it cold and inaccessible. It’s been a survival kit, the ultimate defence mechanism, enabling me to walk away, to deal with whatever comes next. And now, it’s melting – and the boy at the heart of it is wondering what will happen when the light and heat hits him. He might thaw out too, and perhaps find that the world’s not as bad as he thinks. But he might simply shatter, break into irrecoverable pieces. No-one knows, least of all that boy.
Is all this worth the potential results? Yes, I think so. But the doubts are there – when that core fails, when it’s finally thawed out, what will she think of the person there? The one who carries a shield all the time, who hasn’t let anyone in in a lifetime. The one who knows all the things that have happened, whose pain has possibly never healed?
And that’s it at the end of the day – because I don’t know that that boy is worth it, I don’t see the value that he has in so many other peoples eyes. That boy has seen all the pain and betrayal it’s possible to take and still keep on breathing, that boy has experienced it all. And he’s shit scared of seeing it again.