Posted: Thu 23 November, 2006 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Festering Season, Thoughts |
Over the last couple of days (well, this week, really) I’ve been thinking a lot about how I’ve been, and the stuff that’s been going on in my head.
I know that my motivation has been rock-bottom for a lot of the last two months, and that there’s a lot of stuff I could’ve done (perhaps even should’ve) but I just didn’t get round to it. I’ve actually preferred going back to the B&B, and – if I’m honest – really not doing much.
Of course, that’s still my version of “not doing much”, as opposed to anyone else’s version. I’ve still started an OU course, written loads of stuff for D4D™, put together two websites, written some snippets of code to help out other people, and gone through the jus of debugging those snippets when the recipients had NumptyMoments®, (I’m not going to name names – they know who they are!) written a butt-load of emails, sorted out various other odds and sods, written letters, and generally caught myself up on a fair number of things.
But still, I know that deep inside me, it’s been unproductive in a lot of ways – there’s a lot more I could’ve done, anyway- and that instead I’ve wanted to be curled up in my room/cave/whatever, rather than going out into the big wide world.
It’s no bad thing, in general. And I know that I’ve also needed the down-time. The first two-thirds of this year have not been great, and I’ve needed recovery time from all that crap.
But equally I do think – with perfect hindsight – that the old Seasonal Depression has caught up with me a lot this year as well, and I can now see/feel the effects of that too.
Once we’ve done the move, I’m hoping that things wil settle down a bit, and I can get on with some stuff. That’s the plan, anyway.
But more than anything else I think it’s just that I’m going to have to keep an eye on that old SAD this year. It’s been a couple of years since it’s really hit me, but I’m beginning to think that this year will be the one where it returns…
Posted: Wed 25 October, 2006 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Thoughts |
Outside my window at the office is a tree that’s had gorgeous red leaves since I started here.
This week, all those leaves have suddenly disappeared, and now the view is of grey buildings on the other side of the road, rather than the bright red leaves. This is Sad Thing.
All of a sudden it seems like everything has gone “Fucking hell, it’s October! When the hell did that happen?” – all the leaves have started falling, the sky has been dull and grey, and the weather keeps on going back to the “wet and windy” October default.
Yes, Autumn has suddenly appeared with a vengeance.
Posted: Sat 23 September, 2006 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Getting Organised, Work-related |
Well, the now-ex workplace is being disturbingly efficient. My final pay packet from them arrived in the bank this morning, and the payslip arrived today in the post. Along with my P45. Almost like they’re just pleased to see me go. *grin*
The payslip had it’s own depressing piece of news in it, though. Two month’s pay (one month, plus one month in lieu of notice) and 11 days accrued holiday pay. A very healthy gross sum. Then you look at the PAYE tax. Fuck. £2,700. Yeah, that’s right – over two and a half thousand pounds. In tax.
I hope I never see another tax amount like that. It’s just too depressing for words.
Posted: Sun 3 September, 2006 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Getting Organised, Travel, Work-related |
One thing that’s even better than usual when it comes to this week is that, along with the confirmation of the job in Cambridge, I’m actually on holiday for the week.
We’re not planning on going anywhere particular, but it’s more about a) having a break from all the shit, and b) getting the house ready to go on the market. After all, with the job stuff and so on, and waiting for news from the jobs that Herself has interviewed for, it’s all coming together again.
Last week was particularly rough – with the news that the council were still fucking about, and that Arsehole Boss was looking likely to stay with the company for the forseeable future, it all got just a bit depressing and demoralised. We were both pissed off by it, because we’d got to a point where it all seemed like it was coming together, where the plans were happening, and then they were all falling apart again, and none of it was through any fault of our own. And whenever that happens, it sucks.
So yeah, having this week off has come at just about the perfect time, as it happens. It also means we get to spend some time figuring out just how everything will work out with regard to me doing this new job, and the necessary travel and domestic arrangements, as well as sorting out company stuff, payment details etc., and also telling the council (and the current job) where to stuff it.
All told, it should be a good week!
Posted: Sat 12 August, 2006 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Own Business, Sweary, Work-related |
Recently I’ve been building a very heavy database-driven website for a private clown client, which has a lot of interactivity and social-networking features in it. As usual, I’ve set it up to be hosted at the start by 34sp, who I’ve never had any problems with, and who I tend to use for most of my sites and clients.
Anyway, because of problems on this new site (one of the so-called ‘expert’ designers managed to upload 90Mb of images on to the site ‘by mistake’) we went over the 150Mb file quota during the week. Raising this problem with the person who has commissioned the entire project, she had a bit of a panic, and started asking how come we’d used up so much webspace already, and would there be enough once the site goes fully live, etc. etc. Nothing special, just a standard tizz.
But of course the ‘expert’ designers had to stick their oar in, and say “Oh, well we normally use the Easyspace ‘Gold’ hosting package, which gives us 500Mb of space, and works for the sites we do”.
My response was – shall we say – succinct.
Hey, great – let’s move a database-driven website to a hosting company package that doesn’t have a database as part of it.
I haven’t heard anything else from them since. I wonder why?
Posted: Fri 14 July, 2006 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Cynicism, Depression, Own Business, Thoughts, Work-related |
There are some time periods where I really do love working on websites, and getting everything together in the way it should be. Sometimes those time periods are months, sometimes they’re only weeks, days, or even hours.
Currently I’m not getting any of them at all. The combination of the current “proper” workplace (which uses one of the loosest definitions of the word “proper” yet known to man) and the current set of external clients has conspired to bring me to a point where, frankly, I fucking hate what I’m doing.
No, I guess that’s not fair. I still enjoy hacking about with sites, HTML, CSS, databases, SQL, and all that crap. I do enjoy – even love – doing that. I know, I know, that’s incredibly sad. Don’t knock it.
However, the people described above are conspiring to make me hate the work side, the people I work for, and bosses in general. That’s not really anything new, if I’m honest.
But all the same, right now, when I’m looking at a weekend of shit work, because some fucking idiot who doesn’t know what they’re talking about, and has brought their site launch forwards by two fucking months, and when the crap is at least neck-high (and rising) at work, and it just makes me want to jack it all in and say “Screw it”. I don’t tell them how to design a fucking house, yet they seem to see no problem in telling me how to build a website.
In fact, in my lunch-hour today I was doing a lot of thinking, and I’m pretty sure that the next job I get is going to be one where it all either works out and comes together, or I have to look at either a) going back to being self-employed (although that still leaves the issue of fuckwit cunt clients) or b) going for a complete career change – perhaps still doing my own websites like Wheres Good on the side, in my own time, but not actually working on websites full time at all.
And to be honest, I’m not exactly happy about being pushed into a position where that seems like a smart way of developing myself.
Posted: Wed 12 July, 2006 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Getting Organised, Work-related |
OK, it’s official, I’ve now got to the point where I really don’t even want to come in to work. And it’s only due to get worse once the office moves to London.
Yes, the powers that be have decided that, despite our still having a year’s lease on the current office, it’s going to be “better” for everyone to work in London. Bearing in mind that most of the coders live in this area, it’s not exactly been a welcome decision. But of course the powers that be, particularly Arsehole Boss, want to be in London, so that’s where everyone has to be.
No-one’s considered having a small London office for The Tossers, and letting us just get on with our fucking lives here. Oh no.
And then you wonder why I’m wanting to move on? Ha.
On that score, I’ve been told I’ve definitely got an interview for a job in Norfolk. It’s just being decided when it will be. I know there’s just me and one other person going for it, having had a phone interview last week, and now it’s just fixing the time/date. So far as I’m concerned, sooner is far better than later…