Ross Kemp

I notice on Sky that they’re doing a programme/series called “Ross  Kemp in Search of Pirates“.

Now, can we just get “Ross Kemp held to Ransom”, make it a public appeal (in the vein of JustGiving or whatever) and see just how many people actually want to see the tosspot get released.

Mind you, I suspect more people would pay to see the twat tied up and in fear of his life than would pay to see him freed and/or on TV again.


Shallow Buyers

Recently, I’ve been doing a fair amount of working from home, which also means I get to see some daytime TV – particularly the BBC morning stuff, as I’m still nowhere near chavvy enough to want to watch Jeremy Sodding Shitbag Kyle (to give him his full name) which seems to still have an unhealthy preoccupation with property.

One of these programmes, “The Unsellables” focusses on (as you may have already guessed) properties that aren’t selling. None of what they do is overly surprising – clean/tidy up, get rid of clutter, tart the place up, blah blah blah. And I understand all those things – up to a point.

But the points they make in this programme (and I’m sure in many others) are that people won’t buy a place if they don’t like the wall colour, or clutter, or – god help us – the furniture. Now I’ve repeated been accused over the years of being too harsh on people etc., but are people really that dumb/unimaginative that they can’t picture their own stuff in a house, or see that it won’t take much to change a place from scruff-tip to decent place?

I don’t know – maybe it’s to the advantage of others. I know that when we looked at the house we’re now in, it hadn’t been popular because it was so seventies, and there were a number of things that really needed doing to it. And maybe it was also because we were prepared to do that work, even though we knew it’d take time. (Admittedly, we didn’t expect it to take the 2+ years it’s taken, but there we go) But that work has left us with a place we actually like, and that has added significant value to the place – plus (I hope) making it far more sellable as and when we do decide to move on. Not that we’re planning to, you understand – but it’s still something to think about.

So for us it was worth looking past the seventies tat, the horrific ornaments, the vile carpets, the monolithic fireplace and the awkward bits of layout – and I suspect that now if we were to look at buying this place in the state it’s now in, we’d be looking at spending a significant amount more than we’ve actually put in to the place.

All of which brings me back to wondering what the hell these buyers on “The Unsellables” et al are really thinking (or not, as the case may be) when they see these properties and not liking them. After all, if the sellers are so desperate to sell, why not put in an offer that’s well under the asking price?  Do some work – hell, even just some basic painting, cleaning, and moving stuff about, and the place would be back up to scratch for selling at the full price.

I must be missing something on this, but I really don’t know what…


More Research Required

I’ve just received one of the funnier spam emails of late…

I am Todd Williams, I am a staff of Natwest Bank Plc,U.K.i have a veryUrgent Business proposal of (£18,500,000.00 Million Pounds)for you to handle more details of this transaction,Please reply: im-a-fuckwit-spammer@emailaddress.info Kind Regards, Todd Williams(Mr.)ACCOUNTS OFFICER

That’s it in it’s entirety – and the only change I’ve made to it is the email address. Other than that, it’s exactly how it was received – piss-poor punctuation, grammar etc. all intact.

But the best bit of it (in my opinion) is the idea that in the current economic climate, some muppet in Nat West bank would have £18.5million to play with at all.

And seriously, what kind of fucking moron would you have to be to respond to a spam like that?


The Motorbike “Swerve Test”

One of the stories in the news yesterday was about the new motorbike driving test, and in particular the “Swerve test”. According to some instructors/examiners, this new module is dangerous – particularly in the wet.

During the test, learners have to reach 50km/h (31.2mph), then perform a swerve, on special test centre tracks.

But some instructors say that if riders brake and swerve at the same time they are likely to come off, particularly in the wet.

Now while I agree (to some degree) with the comment from the story “A motorcyclist’s competency can be best judged in the dry. Wet conditions introduce a chance element that should not be part of the test”, I also can’t help but feel that “real world” conditions are the best thing when it comes to taking a test – be it motorbike or car driving tests. I know I had driving lessons in some bloody horrible conditions (although admittedly not tests) including hail, driving snow, and plenty of night-time driving.

And if a rider can’t do this swerve at 30mph – and it’s a basic safety manoeuvre for getting out the way of incidents – then they damn well shouldn’t pass their tests. If they fall off and/or damage themselves as a result of this, surely that’s a learning experience in itself?

Even if that lesson is either a) “Don’t fall off the fucking bike” or just b) “Learn to ride properly, and deal with ‘real world’ situations”.

But then, I’m obviously completely unrealistic on these things. After all, I didn’t pass my driving test ’til I’d managed to avoid the really stupid ‘real-world’ mistakes, like stalling the car at junctions.


Geeky Tattoos

Really, you’ve just got to worry about some of the people shown on the Geeky Tattoos site.

I mean OK, I can understand (kind of) getting a tattoo of your favourite game characters or whatever – but the text of a 90s geeky meme that wasn’t funny at the time?  Not the smartest of moves for later life, I’d suggest.

And as for a tattoo of Wolverine riding My Little Pony – let’s just leave it at “Oh. My. God.”, shall we?


Swine ‘Flu – Guff

Seeing all the media guff currently about the swine flu outbreak- and seeing some of the ridiculous “Have Your Say” comments about it- just leaves me cold.

At the end of the day, there’s nothing we can do about these outbreaks. They’ll either happen or they won’t. Sure, we might be able to take some preventive measures – but it’s undetermined whether they’ll work or not.

So what’s the point of worrying about something we have no control over?


Children’s behaviour ‘linked to sleep’

Well, duh

Who’d have thought – children’s behaviour can be linked to sleep, or lack thereof.

Shocker.