Posted: Wed 20 October, 2010 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: 2009/10, D4D™, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Geeky, Own Business, Work-related |
As well as cutting the number of links in the Blogroll yesterday, I’m also in the process of cutting out a number of the domain names I own. In all cases I’ve had plans or ideas for them, but they’ve not been done, so I’m going to cut down on the outstanding list.
It may be that in time to come I regret this, but for the most part I’ve had those domains long enough that I really should’ve done something with them if I planned to. I’m keeping some – the ones where I’ve really got ideas – but a goodly number are going to fall by the wayside.
In some ways it annoys me that I’m giving up on these. In others, well, it seems like common sense to do so. I think that reducing the number of things on my “want to do/try” list might actually help me get the ones done that remain on the list once this purging process is over and done with.
Of course it might not, too. We’ll see.
Posted: Fri 10 September, 2010 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Domestic |
Having been on these bloody anti-depressants for a few months now (since 15th April, it turns out – so five months already) it was time today to go and see the GP for a review.
For me, while they’ve done some good, the Citalopram dosage I’m currently on hasn’t been enough – I still have more bad days than good, and do get locked in to depression for periods of time.
So I’ve now ended up getting the dosage doubled. According to the GP, there “shouldn’t” be any extra side-effects just for upping the dosage – which was worthy of a raised eyebrow, needless to say – but we’ll see what happens.
Posted: Mon 6 September, 2010 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Norfolk |
Yet again it’s that time of the year where I really notice the nights drawing in.
A seemingly short while ago, there was light in the sky ’til 10pm or so, and the chickens didn’t get put away ’til then.
Tonight they were in their coop and all locked up by half eight. Soon it’ll be seven, six, and they’ll be away before I’m even back from work.
Winter’s coming.
Posted: Fri 23 April, 2010 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Script Frenzy, The '10 Writing Project, Thoughts, Writing |
While I don’t look like I’ll be anywhere near completing the Script Frenzy project of 100 pages of script in April, I have at least started off an idea.
I’m not going to go into too much detail on it here, but even being able to have started it is (in some ways at least) more than I actually expected to happen.
I don’t know whether it’s related to the taking of the anti-depressants – I don’t think it has as they’re not really supposed to have built up to a usable/viable level til somewhere in the middle of next week – but equally they may have worked faster, or it may be a psychosomatic thingummywhatsit. Whatever though, I actually did sit down and write the first couple of pages.
It’s a start.
I do plan to continue with it, even once the Script Frenzy thing has closed up shop for another year. What I wanted was an excuse to start – no, not an excuse, a reason to start – writing something. I don’t know yet whether I’ll complete it – the idea’s a good one, but it might fizzle out, I have to be honest. Still, we’ll see.
And I’d rather have something started than for it all to still be just in my head. So I’m measuring little successes along the way. And for now that’s enough, when combined with all the other stuff that’s going on.
Posted: Thu 15 April, 2010 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: 2009/10, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Health, Introspective, Thoughts, Writing |
A couple of weeks back I wrote about making an appointment to see the doctor about depression, lack of motivation, lack of drive etc. etc. I didn’t – and still don’t – want to ask for help, but I know that in my current state I have/had to.
Yesterday was the day of the appointment. 7am and I’m at the doctors. That’s never going to be the start of a good day…
Anyway, I talked through some of the stuff with the GP – who’s extremely wet and wanky, but means well. Better than being completely useless I suppose. But you never really get the impression he could give much of a damn one way or t’other. I suppose that’s one of the risks of being a GP though.
And now I’ve got a prescription for Citalopram, an SSRI anti-depressant. I’m going to take them, and see how things go.
I’m not happy about being on these pills, but I’m at the point where I know that I need something to break the cycle/spiral I’ve got into. This is the first step in that process. Well technically it’s the third step, I suppose- the first one was acknowledging I’m in that cycle at all, and the second was doing something about it by going to the GP.
I don’t like the thought of being reliant on pills or medication – I’m crap at even taking painkillers unless I really need them.
Also I can’t help but wonder what I’ll be like on anti-depressants. I’ve been living with depression for such a long time now, I wonder what changes there’ll be if it’s not around. It’ll be interesting to find out, anyway.
Posted: Fri 2 April, 2010 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: Creativity, Depression, Domestic, Health, Own Business, Photography, Thoughts, Work-related, Writing |
It won’t give up, it wants me dead
Goddamn this noise inside my head
© Nine Inch Nails, “The Becoming”, Downward Spiral album
That’s not quite where I am at the moment – but somehow it still seems to be the best lyric for describing things at the moment.
I’ve written before about my regular issues and history with depression, and the way I normally fight my way through it. Recently though, that’s not been the case. If I’m honest, the last three or four years have involved fighting, but only getting to an impasse, a holding action to keep ground, rather than a victory.
I’ve made lots of plans, and had the intention to do things. It’s just that I never seem to find the time or the final motivation to get them done. I keep on trying, and I keep on failing – and at the moment there’s no good reason for Why. I just don’t get to it. That final bit, that final push, is missing, AWOL.
So I’m working on getting through it, but I’m also going to go a different route this time. I’ve a doctor’s appointment in a couple of weeks time, and I’m going to aim to get some anti-depressants. Not something I’m overly happy about, but I think it’s time for me to try them again.
I had a very negative experience with them many moons ago, so I have some really serious reservations about them. But if I can give them a go and they work, so be it. If not, it’s another avenue tried and I need to find other options. But at least I’ll be trying the avenues this time.
Posted: Thu 1 October, 2009 | Author: Lyle | Filed under: 1BEM, Business, Depression, Introspective, Own Business, Thoughts, Work-related |
Now here’s something I don’t do often – respond in a proper piece to a comment on another piece.
In this case, in yesterday’s “Changing Plans” post, Andy commented…
I have to say, following your blog & Twitter, that your contracting seems like a monumental effort/nightmare/arsepain. There’s a lot to be said for a regular job, not least: a) a bit of security (so you’re not always worrying about what next week brings) and b) the luxury of a bit of time to think and plan your next big move (i.e. away from what you’re currently doing).
You don’t strike me as someone who’d be content/comfortable with a regular job, no matter how short term – but it seems to me like you’re in a cycle that you need/want to get out of as it’s causing you grief.
And I couldn’t agree more, to be honest. Maybe I do need to bite the bullet and look at a “proper job”. I don’t know. This year has been utter shit when it comes to contracts, and work in general. In fact I’d go so far as to say it’s been the worst work year I’ve had.
You’re right, there is a lot to be said for that “proper job”. I get that totally. It just doesn’t (for whatever reason) chime with me at all. I don’t know why – and I’ve looked into it a lot – but it just doesn’t. Maybe I’ve just never had a positive experience of that regular job, but maybe my mindset won’t let me have a positive experience of that regular job. Either way, I’ve never been happy in a regular job.
I’m not happy with what I’m currently doing. I’m good at it, but I’m no longer happy with it. However, I know I need to keep on doing it (whether as contracts or regular work) until I get things sorted for doing Something Else. That doesn’t help. Getting fucked over and treated like crap also doesn’t help. (Although in my experience that’s something that happens regardless of a job being proper or not)
This week, I also feel like crap anyway. I’ve picked up a cold from a friend (who will be receiving a snot-filled slap when I next see him) and honestly, I’d rather be at home.
The change of plans, when everything was ready and in place, has added to that, and knocked my confidence a bit too. That’s down to being a control-freak, and not liking it when I get stuffed over with nothing I can do about it.
I’ve got three or four ideas about what I want to do instead of this, which have been chatted about a few times with friends over the last couple of days. It’ll take time – unless I get incredibly lucky – to sort them out and decide what to do, as well as to implement the ideas, make the changes, and get those things off the ground.
It’ll take time – but the last week has illustrated pretty perfectly why I need to do it, and make the changes. And if nothing else, it should make for some more fun on D4D.