Slump

Posted: Wed 17 April, 2019 | Author: | Filed under: Bankruptcy, Change, D4D™, Depression, Domestic, Getting Organised, Health, Insomnia, Rebuilding, Thoughts | 1 Comment »

Things have been quiet on D4D of late. Basically, I’m in a bit of a slump, and at the moment I’m not quite sure how to get out of it.

There’s a lot of reasons behind it, but mainly it’s down to an overbearing feeling of stagnation, or being a bit bogged down. I’m used to having change in my life, and at the moment it’s not really there. Some of that is inertia, some of it is still the final stages from the bankruptcy process and some of it is the current state of things. But it all adds up to an overall sludge – and while I know I want things to change, I also don’t quite know what I want to do next, or where I want to be.

Domestically, I’ve been in this house for seven years. That’s by far the longest I’ve been in any one place since I left the family home. I was looking at moving last year when the tenancy came up, but that was only just after the bankruptcy finished, and I didn’t want to push things while it was still showing up on credit checks and the like.  So I’m thinking about it for this year – but there’s also nowhere that’s dragging me, nowhere that I’ve been and thought “OK, this is where I want/need to be”, and it’s all a bit up in the air. There’s still time, though.

Workwise, I’ve been working on the same project for more than three years. (Probably closer to 4, all told)  And while we’ve got a lot done, there still feels like no end in sight (things keep on being added in to it, or stuff is more complex than initially expected) which doesn’t help. I like contracting in general for exactly this – that each contract is finite – even though they can (and usually do) get extended, they still have an end date where I can say “Nope, I’m done”. This one is open-ended, and it’s feeling more and more like a proper job and blah blah.

Outside of those two things, there’s so much doubt about what’s going on in the UK – with Brexit being delayed even further, it’s left everything in limbo again, of not knowing what’ll happen with it, and what’ll happen with jobs, economy and so on if and when it happens. I can’t deny, that all contributes to the current sense of stagnation.

I’m not depressed – well, no more than usual – and I’m still getting out and getting other stuff done. It’s just that I’ve not got the time or energy for anything extra. I wish I did, but I don’t.

I’m going to keep on working on it, though.  I know I need a couple of new projects to be getting on with – but I also need to find the motivation to get it going. That’s where the stagnation is really hurting – I know I need and want to change, but right now the drive to change things is also being blocked.

I’ll figure it out, I know – I always do, and always have done.  And hopefully it won’t take too much longer to turn the corner.

Lag-Free

Posted: Wed 16 May, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Insomnia, Sleep - or lack thereof, Thoughts, Travel | 2 Comments »

Having come back from Toronto on Saturday into Sunday, I’ve managed to stay remarkably free of jet-lag.  Most people have pointed out that this is probably because my body-clock and sleep-patterns are so utterly screwed anyway, but I’m still surprised by how I’ve got through it so far. (And yes, I’m aware it could still ruse up and bite me in the arse, but it’s looking less and less likely)

Basically, I just beasted my way through it.  I was awake by 6am Toronto time on the Saturday, we spent most of the day walking the final bits of Toronto that we hadn’t seen, got to the airport, and took the 18:30 flight out.  We got in to Heathrow at 6:30am UK Time  (so about 01:30 Toronto time), and I then drove home.

Being aware of having been up 24-ish hours already, I didn’t do much for the rest of the day – sorted out all the domestic stuff, laundry and so on – but got through the day, and finally went to bed at about midnight, after being awake for about 36 hours straight.  Then was up again by my usual time, and it’s been an easy switch back to the usual timetable.

It kind of worries me that I’ve been able to deal with that kind of jet-lag and time change with no ill-effects. It makes me wonder how far I’d have to travel in order to get hit by it – not that I want to, particularly, but it’s sort of interesting, I suppose.

Heated

Posted: Fri 23 June, 2017 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Getting Old(er), Insomnia, Thoughts, Weather | Leave a comment »

As I wrote about the other day – and as just about anyone in the UK already knows – this week has included the warmest June day in at least forty years, with Wednesday hitting 34.5°C (94°F) . As always, I know that people in other countries will be pissing themselves laughing at the way we’re unable to cope with temperatures at extremes (or at least what the UK sees as extremes)  but that’s because for us they are extremes – and as such, we simply don’t have the infrastructure to cope with them.

We get hot periods during the summer, but we’ve not been this hot since 1976.  So we don’t bother with air-conditioning in houses, or anything to deal with things like train rails expanding, tarmac melting etc. – because it only happens for small occasional periods, instead of months every year.   It’s the same in Winter, if we end up with serious (for us) snow or freezing conditions – they don’t happen often, so we don’t invest in snowploughs, or underground systems like places that have deep snow for weeks and months on end.

Personally, I don’t mind warm (and even hot) days – but I hate hot nights.  The other part of this week’s heat has been that there’s little to no breeze, so it’s been stifling and claggy at night, which makes it (for me) massively unpleasant. Indeed, on Wednesday night I even ended up giving up and going to sleep out in the garden instead, which helped a bit – although also resulted in interrupted sleep because of the cats.

In that context, it’s all made for what feels like a really long week…

Reduced Insomnia

Posted: Mon 3 October, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: Bankruptcy, Business, Change, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Insomnia, Rebuilding, The Future, Thoughts, Travel | 2 Comments »

During the week in Cornwall, I slept better than I have in absolutely years – to the tune of about 2 hours more sleep per night. It’s the first time since I started recording my sleep times with the Fitbit that I’ve had more than four hours in a night – and it happened all week.

So, it looks like the possible cure (or at least improvement) in my insomnia is :

  • Move to Cornwall (or somewhere with equally remote areas)
  • Walk at least six miles a day
  • Sleep in a house miles from anywhere, in absolute pitch-black darkness and silence.

At the moment, none of that is massively feasible. But in the future, it may well be. I need to look at how things work, what I do and what I want to do, and how to get to where that kind of plan might be possible.

So, that’ll be fun.

Home From The Holiday

Posted: Sun 2 October, 2016 | Author: | Filed under: 2015/16, Do More, Domestic, Driving, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Insomnia, Sociable, Thoughts, Travel | Leave a comment »

So, after a week in Cornwall, I’m back in the land of the living.  It’s been a good week away, with a lot done, and a lot of thinking out of the way. (Still more to go on that score, but it’s been good)

I’ve driven over a thousand miles in the last seven days, visited a bundle of places, had a great time, and even managed to build up some sleep.  (That’s one of the things that needs some thought for the future, but it’ll take a while)

A rough itinerary of the last week is :

  • Saturday 24th Sept – Head down to Oxford to meet the friend I was going with, then down to Truro. A four-hour drive door-to-door from Oxford (about 5½ from home). Having made good time, an exploration of Truro city (and their Cornwall food festival)
  • Sunday – visiting the Eden Project. First time I’d been there, and found it thoroughly interesting. Well recommended
  • Monday – visiting Newquay. Another place I really liked.
  • Tuesday – down to The Chocolate Factory, a craft-based place with a whole range of different things, including (unsurprisingly) a chocolatier, but also galleries, glass maker, jewellers etc. Then on to St Ives for an explore (including seeing a seal in the harbour) and then back to Helston to meet up with other friends.
  • Wednesday – Lost Gardens of Heligan.  I’ve been here before (about ten years ago, admittedly) and it’s grown and improved significantly since. Again, thoroughly enjoyable, and a lot of walking
  • Thursday – St Mawes and Falmouth – two more places I’d never been before, we went down to St Mawes, and got the ferry over to Falmouth. It’s somewhere I’ll go back to, and want to explore more, although it was full of bell-ends on the actual day, but I suspect being a bit more out-of-season, or earlier in the day, and it’ll be better.  St Mawes is lovely, a much smaller place, but somewhere I could happily stay for a proper visit
  • Friday – Wheal Martyn China Clay museum, which was interesting. I didn’t know the history of china clay in Cornwall, so it made for an interesting morning. Followed up by a visit to St Austell (frankly, never again – it’s like the retirement village of The Damned) and then a much better visit to Charlestown, which is really pleasant and attractive – another place I could happily stay longer.
  • Saturday (today) – Driving home, again via Oxford. Another good run, four hours door-to-door to Oxford, and then onwards to home.

As well as driving that 1,000 miles, we’ve walked about 40 miles all told, visited a bundle of places, and had a good time.

I’ve got a bundle of stuff lined up now for the next three months, as well as a load of stuff to think about for the future. Next year’s looking interesting already.

Reintegrating

Posted: Tue 23 June, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Cynicism, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Insomnia, Introspective, People, Thoughts, Work-related | Leave a comment »

By the time my contract comes to its (current) end date, I’ll have been ‘working from home’ for nine months, with only one day a week in the office.  It’s fair to say I’m getting pretty used to that kind of state of affairs, where I don’t have to deal with loads of idiot colleagues all day every working day.

So I’m already wondering what’ll happen when it comes to The Next Job, which will – pretty much certainly – involve being back on-site five days a week.   It’s going to be interesting, for sure.

It’s fair to say that I’ve already become very used to working on my own schedule and workload, and it suits me nicely. Even better, I don’t also have to hear the inane banter and chatter of other people, particularly about things I’ve no interest in – soap operas, X-factor, Big Brother and the like – or fuckwitted opinions with no basis in anything like reality.  I’ve become more acclimated to peaceful offices where I can have a radio on if I want (or not) and that’s about it.  I’m less stressed because of it, and generally less ratty. (And if I could then sort out my sleep patterns, all would be rosy in the world)

In short, it turns out to have suited my personality quite well.

As a result, I may end up focusing more on further jobs where ‘working from home’ is the primary – but there’s no guarantee that they’ll happen, or come up in a timely manner.  As always with my stuff, I’ll take whatever gets offered first, and work from there.

In honesty, I can’t say I’m looking forward to any return to full-on office-based work, but it’s something I’ll face up to as and when it happens.

Sleeping Places

Posted: Mon 22 June, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Change, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Insomnia, Thoughts, Weirdness | 4 Comments »

Following on from the insomnia attacks of late, I’ve also been thinking a lot about the things that do work for me when it comes to sleep.

Because I’ve also been doing a lot of travelling and visiting, it’s given me a wide range of reference points, which always makes things more interesting.

One oddity I have noticed is that I seem to sleep better on sofas than I do in bed.  It’s strange, but true.  I’ve also had a few occasions of coming home in the afternoon and getting a nap on my own sofa, but that’s more for catch-ups when they’re absolutely needed, rather than becoming a routine.

It’s been true for a long time though – certainly right back to the Norfolk house, where I’d sleep on the sofa-bed when we had bad weather and I had to take Hound in to the smaller bedroom to stop her being an arse.  When I think about it, it’s also applied a lot of times over the years, when going to see friends and so on, and preferring to crash on sofas rather than spare beds.

As a result, I’m doing a lot of thinking about whether I change my bedroom and bed, investing instead in a decent sofa-bed.  It’s food for thought at the moment, but not going to be a change I make quickly. After all, if I make the change and don’t sleep any better, then it’s been a loss/waste of a bed and so on.

It may be that I leave it until I move house again – which is something that’s on the agenda, but not any time imminently. That’ll definitely be to a bigger place – hell, it’d be a challenge to find anywhere smaller – so I can look at it seriously at that point.

I’ll think about it more – there’s other factors in that kind of decision-  but we’ll see where things go, I think.

 

Insomniac

Posted: Sun 21 June, 2015 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Getting Old(er), Insomnia, Thoughts | Leave a comment »

While life’s been busy over the last few months, it’s also been a rotten period for my insomnia.

Well, the insomnia’s been doing really well – it’s just that what’s good for insomnia is (by definition) fucking bollocks for my sleep. So I’m knackered, and have been for a fair while now.

Obviously it varies – and to a degree I’m used to rotten sleep – but it’s been pretty cruddy of late, even by my own standards.  I’m used to – and pretty much fine with – around 4 hours a night, and can even get by for a while on 3 a night.  But recently I’ve been lucky to get two.

This, from last night, is the best night I’ve had in ages…

SleepTimes

Frankly, that’s just messed up.

The thing is, no matter what goes on, nothing changes it significantly. I can go to bed early, I can go to bed late. I can drink coffee and diet coke, or I can cut out caffeine – either from sometime during the day, or completely. Eating early, eating late. Reading, not reading. Temperature, clothing, bedding (i.e. on the quilt or under it) – i’ve tried changing all of those things.

And none of it affects whether I sleep badly or not. When it was really bad a while back, I cut out caffeine totally for a couple of weeks. Even by the end of that period, I was sleeping even worse than usual.

All told, it’s just a pain in the bits. I’m hoping it’ll settle a bit more now, but well, we’ll see.

Perfect Timing

Posted: Thu 31 July, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: 1BEM, Customer Services, Cynicism, Domestic, Insomnia, Sleep - or lack thereof, Sweary, Technology | 4 Comments »

On a totally different note, why is it that batteries in smoke alarms and CO2 detectors *always* need replacing at 4am?

Bastard bloody things.

Still, at least I now know – not that I had any doubt, and I certainly didn’t need any proof – that I can’t sleep through a CO2 alarm.

(And of course yes, I can now – because I pulled the dead/dying batteries out of the fucking thing)

Creativity Locked

Posted: Thu 29 May, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Health, Insomnia, Project 42, SAD, Words, Writing | Leave a comment »

Over the last couple of months, my creative side has felt like it’s completely locked up. I don’t particularly know why – although I suspect it’s linked to feeling constantly tired, burned out, and unwell.

After this weekend, I’m making some changes again – mainly employment stuff (of which a bit more tomorrow) but also a few life-based things.

With the new job, I’m aiming to limit myself to work-based stuff just in work hours. With the last couple of jobs they’ve been coming home with me, and it’s been sitting in my head. I suspect that’s been a mistake.  It’s certainly put me in a position where a lot of the time I don’t even want to look at a computer while I’m at home – although again that may be down to also feeling depressingly run-down – so I’m currently hoping that if I limit myself a bit more workwise, I might have the time and inclination to do other stuff when I’m back at home.

It could also be that I’m going through a bit of a depression dump. It wouldn’t be the first time that I get affected like that once the days have started getting longer. I can deal with – and fight – the seasonal depression of long nights and grey days, but once the days get longer I lower my guard, lower my resistance, and sometimes it just hits hard for a while.

I’m hoping I’ll find some ways to reset myself a bit over the next couple of weeks, but we’ll see.

 

Hectic

Posted: Fri 21 March, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Insomnia, London, Own Business, Sleep - or lack thereof, Sociable, Work-related | 1 Comment »

Another busy week, what with one thing and another. Lots of prospective work, lots of paperwork, and being sociable as well. It’s a tough life.

As it is, it looks like I’ve now got work in from two ex-clients, as well as the ‘proper’ job, and some prospective bits along the way – and there’s still the other prospective bits I want to do for my own company/business.

Other than that, the week has also involved trips to see friends, cinema visits, and tonight I’m in London to see Bill Bailey do a test-run of his new show.

Hopefully the weekend will involve down-time – although I’m not convinced – and I’m currently debating taking a day off next week just to catch up on some sleep and other stuff.

So yeah, back to business as usual next week, I think. Or maybe some updates over the weekend too – depends how things go.

Changing Hours

Posted: Fri 21 February, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Change, Commuting, Domestic, Driving, Insomnia, Sleep - or lack thereof, Travel, Work-related | Leave a comment »

At the new contract, my hours are somewhat different to usual. It actually works out pretty well – both for me, and for the business – but it’s rocking my body clock a bit in this first week.

Based in Cambridge, I’m working 7.30 – 3.30. We work with development teams around the East Indies, so when I’m starting work, they’re just finishing – it means we can do meetings without extra hassle.  It also means I’m avoiding all the really crap traffic (although this week is somewhat non-standard, as it’s half-term, and I suspect it’ll be a bit different leaving during ‘school run’ hours in the afternoon)

However, starting at 7.30 with a 45-minute commute means I’m leaving the house at 6.30-6.45, and getting up commensurately earlier. It’s not a massive change, but it’s enough that I’ve noticed it this week. I’m sure I’ll get back into the swing of things though.

In fairness, I’ve left home at earlier times than that though, for far longer commutes (in both time and distance) and getting home much later as well – although I have somewhat got out of the habit of those over the last couple of years.

It suits me for now though. I’d rather do 11am-8pm or similar, which would actually suit my body-clock, but that’s not on offer this time round. We’ll see though.

Fitbit Flex – Sleepy Time

Posted: Thu 20 February, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Health, Insomnia, Project 42, Reviews(ish), Sleep - or lack thereof, Technology | Leave a comment »

Carrying on from yesterday’s post, I’m writing a bit about how I’m doing with the Fitbit Flex, a wristband pedometer and sleep monitor. Today it’s more about the sleep monitoring that the Flex does.

As with the pedometer side, the sleep monitoring can be a useful tool, but it’s not something to rely on absolutely.

The sleep monitoring is activated manually (which is usually OK, but could be a pain in the ass on occasion) and also needs to be manually deactivated – which is more of a pig, because if you forget, it screws the figures. It would be nice to have some automatic deactivation in there, although I suspect that the variables for it are pretty wobbly.

Based – I assume – on movement during the night, the Flex can report on “Sleep”, “Disturbed Sleep” and “Awake”. “Sleep” is – again, I assume – when the sleeper is motionless, as REM sleep paralyses the body. (which is why most people don’t sleepwalk, or do anything else physical that they’re dreaming about) “Disturbed Sleep” is when the sleeper is moving about. I’ve no idea how it discerns “Awake” though – it pegs my awake-in-bed time as ‘disturbed sleep’- so I assume that “Awake” means “Registered as sleeping, but actually walking around”.   As such, the categories are a bit rough, but at least provide an illustration of sleep quality – or lack thereof.

One thing I do find affects me though is actually looking at the results. (Which is a bit meta and ‘chaos theory’, but bear with me)  It’s one thing to feel like you’ve had a bad night, but it’s another one entirely to know it with the readings from the Flex. And yes, I could ‘leave it’ til later, but damn it, I’m interested.  However, it does make me feel more tired, more justified in being tired, with that knowledge of “Oh yeah, but I had a crap night”.  Seeing the information makes me aware of that crap night, and does affect how I feel during the day.   (Similar to how reading a horoscope first thing can sometimes subconsciously direct you towards doing the things ‘predicted’)

It is interesting though. It’s proven that I usually actually get by on 3.5-4 hours sleep per night most of the time, and that it’s really only when I’m on sub-three-hours that I feel shockingly bad. I have good nights (rare), bad nights (common) and very bad nights (thankfully not quite as common as I’d thought)

I’ll keep on using the Flex for this – as I’ve said, it’s a useful indicator, if nothing else. Whether I continue to be aware of the timings or not, bearing in mind how much that knowledge affects me, remains to be seen.

Monitoring Sleep

Posted: Thu 9 January, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: 2013/14, Domestic, Dreaming, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Getting Organised, Health, Insomnia, Project 42, Sleep - or lack thereof, Technology | Leave a comment »

Over the years, I’ve kind of got used to sleeping really badly – although I’d still like to know the causes, and whether it really is as bad as I think/feel it is.

The reason I’m not sure is because – as I think I’ve said before – according to partners, sometimes I’ll have slept through the night, but woken up and been convinced I’ve had a bad night. Yes, I apparently manage to dream that I’m waking up and having a bad night. And yes, that is really really fucked-up, however you look at it.

Anyway, as part of the whole ‘weighing less’ part of this year, I was also wanting to monitor (or at least better monitor) my activity, steps-per-day and the like. So I’ve ended up ordering a FitBit Flex which should let me keep an eye on all of that at once.  It’ll also integrate with a couple of other apps on the phone etc., which will make for some interesting reading over time.  The only downside is that I’d have liked one that also allows me to check/monitor heart-rate (and really, why can’t you get a wearable wristband device that’ll do that? It can’t be that difficult, surely?) but there just isn’t anything like that around at the moment.   The closest would be the Pulse from Withings – but that doesn’t do the integration stuff, and doesn’t keep track of heartbeat in the way that I wanted.

I’m not relying on it, or assuming it’ll be the thing that changes everything for me – but it should at least answer some questions, particularly about how I sleep. And that at least will be interesting, and make it worth what I’ve paid. Anything else is a bonus, really.

Pillows

Posted: Fri 3 January, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Getting Organised, Health, Insomnia | 1 Comment »

I snore – always have, likely always will. I hate it, but it’s one of those things. Maybe it’ll change as and when I lose some weight, but honestly, I’m not convinced.

Anyway, over the years I’ve always had firm pillows on the bed, and tend to sleep with my neck crunched as high as possible. Some of it’s to do with reducing snoring (i.e. rather than sleeping laying on my back etc.) but also it’s just how I’m now comfortable. Basically, the higher and more solid the pillows, the better.

When I moved into the new house, I got some new pillows, and went for the hefty memory-foam ones. I thought they’d be great. Oh wow, was I wrong. While it was OK when going to bed, the memory foam would mould itself into the strangest shapes, and be generally really unpleasant by halfway through the night, which would mean I woke up and had to move the pillows, change them round, or just generally do something to them. I assume my head gets hot in the night, meaning the foam moves and loses support, or something. Anyway, vile.

I’ve stuck with them for a fair while – probably for too long, if I’m honest – but they haven’t improved, and I never got used to them. But Lord knows, I’ve tried.

After Christmas, I finally gave in and bought some new ones – at long last. Overfilled, firm, but not memory foam. Wow, what a difference. I mean, I still wake up during the night and so on – insomnia is business as usual – but at least I’m not fighting weird and solidly squelchy pillows. This makes me happy.

(And yes, I know, this is likely to be of no interest to anyone else. I don’t care)

 

Back to Work

Posted: Mon 30 December, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Insomnia, Sleep - or lack thereof, Weirdness, Work-related | Leave a comment »

Today I’m back in the office. I’ve had the Christmas week off, and do feel (generally) better for it, although a lot of the time taken has been involved in doing other work and so on. But such is life.

I’ve caught up on some sleep – being able to sleep for what inevitably turn out to be my core hours is always a good thing.

I don’t know why it is, but my core hours for sleep (as I’m sure I’ve said before) are 7am to 9am. With usual work, I don’t get to have that sleep at all, and this year most of my weekends have also involved getting up rather than taking those couple of hours.  This last week though, I’ve been sleeping through (pretty noteworthy in itself) and I do feel measurably better for it.

I don’t know why I sleep best in those two hours. General wisdom is that sleep is deepest at around 3am, but that’s usually one of my more disturbed periods of sleep. But those two hours, if I can get those then it’s a real difference to my mindset.

Tired

Posted: Mon 11 November, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Insomnia, Sleep - or lack thereof, Thoughts, Work-related | Leave a comment »

For whatever reason, today I am Tired.  It’s almost certainly linked to what must’ve been a crap night’s sleep, although I don’t particularly remember being disturbed/awake/not-sleeping. But I am Tired all the same.

I really don’t like days like this – and they’re not helped by the whole greyness of the day outside – as I find it really hard to get started, and/or to get anything relevant done at all. Most frustrating.

Still, it’s been a good weekend, which makes things better. I got a load of domestic twuntery done on the Saturday – shopping, laundry, all the usual guff – and saw Gravity at the cinema. (well worth it, if you wanted to know) Sunday involved seeing the parents, and a bloody good lunch at the Three Crowns in Askett, which I’d recommend (although it’s awesomely busy, due to being consistently bloody good, by all accounts) and finished off by coming home to the smell of an excellent slow-cooked chilli I did for meals this week.

Hopefully I’ll perk up a bit post-lunch, but so far the signs are not positive for that to happen…

Wavering – Updated

Posted: Wed 23 October, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Getting Old(er), Gigs, Health, Insomnia, Music | 3 Comments »

Following on from yesterday’s post about my – well, my subconscious’s – wavering about going to the Peter Gabriel gig at the O2.

I didn’t go.  I wanted to, I intended to.

I got home, had some lunch, had tons of time, felt like crap and had a quick nap. Not common, but not unusual.

I woke up five hours later, just as the concert was due to start. I’m about 75-90 minutes drive from the O2.

Piss.

Midweek

Posted: Fri 18 October, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Driving, Getting Old(er), Gigs, Insomnia, London, Sleep - or lack thereof, Thoughts | Leave a comment »

This week and next, I’m out at fairly large events held mid-week. In London.  I must be mad.

This week was, of course, the Neil Gaiman event at CHW in London, which resulted in me getting home at about half-midnight(ish) having opted for getting the train back to Milton Keynes and then driving the final bit, rather than driving and parking in Central London.

Next week will be seeing Peter Gabriel at the O2, which I’m really looking forward to. I suspect I’ll be getting home at about the same time, although this time I’ll be driving it instead of relying on public transport.

On the downside, I find that nights like that take it out of me now for the following night as well. I’m not sure if it’s a sign of getting older, or just that I’m out of practice – either way, my sleep/insomnia on the Wednesday night after the Gaiman event was even worse than usual, despite being more knackered.

Although with this kind of thing, it’s also making me even more pleased that I’m not doing that commute into Cambridge any more!

An Attack of the Insomnia

Posted: Wed 28 August, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Insomnia, Work-related | Leave a comment »

Monday night was one of the worst night’s sleep I’ve had in ages. It may be connected to the new contract starting the next day, but I don’t think that was anything in particular.  New contracts don’t usually affect me in that way, and my insomnia appears more to just kick itself up a gear when it’s most inconvenient, rather than in relation to stress and the like.

I’ve written about it before, so I won’t bore with the details. Suffice to say it drives me crackers, but such is life.

My insomnia comes in few different flavours, although obviously all of them share the end result of “bugger all sleep” and “feeling like crap”.

The main version is ‘merely’ disturbed sleep. Sometimes it’s actually disturbed sleep – and just about anything wakes me up/disturbs me at that point. It’s been known to be ticking clocks, snoring cats, mosquitoes, and [something clicking in another room]. The other option – which is admittedly far weirder – is swearing I’ve had a disturbed night, but actually being asleep and dreaming of having disturbed sleep. The end result’s the same, but the latter is definitely far further down the ladder towards lunacy.

On other occasions it’s more about getting to sleep, where my brain simply won’t shut up, and rocks around at about 100mph. (Figuratively speaking, of course)  Again, on occasion I can dream that I’m doing this, but it’s more common that I actually am just awake, with a brain bouncing around on weird and stupid thoughts, with no let-up and no chance of getting to sleep.

The third one – much less common – is where I simply can’t get comfortable, and can’t stay still long enough to drop off. There’s no explanation for it, it just drives me crackers.

The worst – and this is the one from Monday night – is where variants two and three combine, at which point it’s almost worth just giving up completely. I can’t get comfortable, my brain won’t shut up, and it’s all just crap.  However, it’s also very weird for one reason – at some point, it’ll just stop. I think of it like a game of body Tetris. I have to find the one (sleeping) position that actually works, and the challenge is finding that position. It’s usually only once I’ve completely admitted defeat that it finally happens. And the final choice is always a simple change, but one I haven’t wanted to make. (for whatever reason – usually because I can’t believe something that stupid will be the successful one)  Usually it’s occurred when sleeping somewhere new – such as on a friend’s sofa – and then involves merely changing the direction I’m lying in. (i.e. if I’m lying down with my head on the right-hand end of the sofa, I’ll move so it’s on the left-hand end, and go to sleep in minutes)

On Monday it was even simpler. I turned over, and somehow settled into the right position. It was as though my brain and body admitted defeat, and just gave up.  I don’t know why, or how – all I know is that it was three a.m., I looked at the clock, said sod it, turned over, and the brain/body relaxed into sleep. That easy.

I hate insomnia when it hits me like that. I can live (to a greater or lesser degree) with the disturbed sleep variety. I can handle (ish) the Racing Brain variant.  The Restless Bastard one always gets me, and annoys me more than anything else. The combo of Restless Bastard with Racing Brain is just antisocial and vile.

 

Tired

Posted: Sat 8 June, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Business, Domestic, Insomnia, Travel, Work-related | Leave a comment »

Yet again, it’s been a long old week. I’m not complaining, because it’s also been a good week, but man alive, I’m shattered right now.

The week started normally, allbeit with some very bad nights’ sleep.  It then involved (another) trip up to Manchester to visit one of the partner companies, and get a load of stuff done. I went up there on Wednesday evening, ready for two full days in the office.

Thursday night I went out with colleagues from the office, ended up getting back to the hotel by about 1.30am, and eventually to bed about an hour after that, and up at 6am.  That was followed by another full working day, and then visiting an old friend (a long-term friend, rather than an old one per se) which was great, but again meant not actually crashing out ’til 2ish. I slept insanely badly, went downstairs at 5ish. read until 6, then slept on the sofa for another hour and a half or so.

Today I’ve driven home, and got back about 4pm.

I don’t know why I’m sleeping so badly in general – I’m no more stressed than usual, there’s no real reason for it, it’s just one of those “wonderful” periods of insomnia that hit me every so often. But right now, as a friend used to say, “In every single plane of existence right now, I’m knackered”.

Time for Change

Posted: Thu 30 May, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Bankruptcy, Cynicism, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Insomnia, Thoughts, Work-related | 1 Comment »

Right now, life is (again) feeling like it’s time for some changes to start happening.  (Yeah, as if there hadn’t been enough of them already)

I’m not going to be diving into anything too much, but it’s safe to say that I’m at the point of having Had Enough of some stuff.

Work is the particular source of ire at the moment, with the feeling of being far too pressurised and overloaded, aided and abetted by an HR department that seems to think dealing with people isn’t in their job description.  I’m managing far too many projects – although keeping them just about on time and on-target, with only one glaringly delayed one that went out this week at long last – with too little recognition and acknowledgement. Additionally, for every project I close, two more come up, Hydra-like.

There’s other bits of life that are annoying me currently, but work is the main one – and the easiest one to change, I think. From there, I don’t know what’s next, but even if I increase my travel time, I suspect it’ll make life better just through the change happening.

Really though at the moment I’m just so fucking tired. I’m not depressed (or at least not massively so) just exhausted. I think burnout is just round the corner, and I need to address that soon, or it’ll happen.

Anyway, it’s just me whinging. Things will work out, change will happen.

Vivid Dreaming

Posted: Thu 11 October, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Domestic, Insomnia, Sleep - or lack thereof, Weirdness | Leave a comment »

One thing I’ve realised more and more over the last few months is that I dream very vividly – to the point that I can’t easily tell dreams from reality.  It’s only when I think back and actually analyse things that I work out sometimes whether it’s been dream or real.  That’s not helped by the fact that most of my dreams appear to be quite reality-based anyway. I’ve never dreamed about flying naked, or whatever.

Don’t get me wrong, they get very weird – but it’s extrapolations from reality, rather than just starting weird and getting worse.

Recently, I’ve also been vivid-dreaming that I’m awake. Or I think I have – it’s a possibility, anyway.

Either way, I’m either awake and not sleeping, or I’m asleep, dreaming I’m wide awake, and thus – um – dreaming about insomnia.

I honestly don’t know which it is.  There are bits where I know I’ve been awake ’til ungodly hours – and have physically moved to pick up the clock and look at the time, for instance. Others, I’m less sure – I’ve felt like I’ve had no sleep, but then I also recall things that were definitely (with analysis) dreams.

It’s all very confusing, and not at all helpful.