Wipers
Posted: Sat 4 June, 2016 Filed under: BMW Drivers, Cynicism, Driving, Stupidity, Thoughts, Travel Leave a comment »As regular readers know, I have a few guidelines when it comes to spotting drivers who are likely to be idiots – I know it’s a lot of horrible generalising and stereotyping, but at the same time, stereotypes exist for a reason.
The current list is
- BMW drivers
- Citroen Picasso drivers (I’m sure that if BMW made a people-carrier, Xsara/Picasso sales would drop to zero immediately)
- Drivers wearing hats in the car
- Cars with a Christian Fish emblem/badge/sticker
With the rotten weather of the last couple of months, I’ve added a new one
- Drivers who, at the first sign of rain, whack their windscreen wipers straight to double-speed
I don’t know what goes through people’s minds in these situations – surely when it’s just spray/drizzle and they’re at double speed, the whining/scraping noise must drive them crackers.
Still, none of it is my problem – as long as I notice these things, and pay more attention to these people on the roads, then it’s OK and handled.
People-Carriers
Posted: Sat 20 June, 2015 Filed under: BMW Drivers, Commuting, Driving, People, Thoughts Leave a comment »[Note : There may be some sweeping generalisations in this, but at the same time I’m trying to avoid them]
As has been noted many times over the years, I drive way too much, way too many miles (in comparison to pretty much anyone sane) and get to see an awful lot of crappy driving. I’m not claiming my own driving is perfect – but with that number of miles I cover, nor is it bloody awful.
Anyway, as always there seem to be certain categories of drivers who are worse than others.
Invariably, the worst of all tend to be the drivers of BMWs and Audis, but there’s another class I’m seeing more of on the roads – the people-carrier vehicles, the MPVs and their ilk. In particular, there’s something about drivers of Citroen Picassos (I’ve always suspected that people only buy those because BMW don’t make a people-carrier – if they did, that’s what the fuckknuckles would buy) but it’s actually most of that vehicle type.
I don’t know why it is that certain types of vehicle seem to attract crap drivers, but it keeps on appearing to be so.
[I had a theme in there, but it’s now gone. Grrr]
Jammed
Posted: Thu 29 January, 2015 Filed under: BMW Drivers, Commuting, Domestic, Driving, M1, People, Thoughts, Weirdness 1 Comment »At the moment, I’m doing regular drives on the Northbound M1, which is currently subject to no less than 15 miles (Fifteen Miles! For fuck’s sake!) of roadworks in one stretch replacing the central barrier, and another stretch installing ‘smart motorways’, in a similar way to how the Southbound M1 was screwed over a couple of years back.
Through both of these stretches, we’ve got the 50mph speed limit and ‘average speed cameras’, which seem to also contain some kind of mind-control that turns the majority of drivers into zombies who can’t see an empty lane, but can see a speed camera and slow down for it. (The phrase ‘average speed’ is utterly beyond them, of course)
It amazes me how bad the driving standards are in these roadworks zones – it’s as though people stick to the lane they were in when they entered the roadworks, and aren’t able to move from it. They don’t move in (or even pull out to overtake) despite any available space, or someone else driving even slower ahead.
I don’t know what can be done to change it – it’s just a human nature thing, I guess – but dear God, it’s bloody annoying to be surrounded by that many dickwhistles.
Interesting Parking
Posted: Wed 30 July, 2014 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Cynicism, Driving, London, News Leave a comment »In today’s news, “Driver crashes through railings into Elephant and Castle Subway” (the underpass, not the fast-food sandwich place)
And wouldn’t you know it? It’s a BMW driver. Colour me totally unsurprised.
People Carriers
Posted: Fri 4 April, 2014 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Charm School, Commuting, Cynicism, Driving, Travel 1 Comment »As has been noted before on here, I do a fair amount of driving on any given week, mainly for commuting. It’s about 400-500 miles per week at the moment – although I’ve had greater mileages, and lesser ones.
One of the things I notice during those drives is how drivers do seem to group up, and that certain groups are infinitely worse than others. There’s always the usual culprits – BMWs, Audis, and White Vans, but there’s another one I notice more over time. MPVs, or people carriers.
I don’t know if it’s because BMW et al don’t actually do people carrier vehicles, but it does seem that MPV drivers are on a par with BMW drivers. In particular it seems that Citroen Xsara Picasso (now renamed the C4 Picasso, I think) are a breed of shit drivers. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve seen these vacuous bell-ends approach roundabouts in the wrong lanes, cut across lines of traffic, cruise across busy roundabouts, stick their cars into the flow of traffic, weave across multiple carriageways, and generally act like cunts.
So yes, welcome to the ‘shit drivers’ group.
- BMWs and Audis
- White Van drivers
- MPVs – and Picasso drivers in particular.
Lit
Posted: Thu 13 March, 2014 Filed under: 1BEM, A428, BMW Drivers, Commuting, Driving, Fog, People, Travel, Weather, Weirdness Leave a comment »This morning’s drive in to work was foggy – foggy enough that you could see maybe three or four car-lengths ahead, and not much more.
So it left me quite gobsmacked to see how many drivers today weren’t bothering with their foglights – and in some cases without any lights on at all.
Considering how every pisswit fuck-knuckle in Christendom seems to put their fog lights on when it’s misty – and then leave them on for three damn days afterwards – it’s pretty amazing when you come across cars today (and particularly bloody silver ones) with no lights on at all.
What on earth are these drivers thinking? (And yes, I know, they’re not thinking) After all, it’s not like they can see any better than I could – I just don’t get the mindset of “Oh well, other people will be able to see me, even if I can’t see them”
I don’t mind people being stupid, inconsiderate, and fuck-witted. If they want to die on the road, that’s fine with me. What I do mind is the other people affected by those decisions. And that’s just cuntish.
Common Sense (Or Lack Thereof)
Posted: Fri 6 September, 2013 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Cynicism, Driving, Fog, People, Thoughts Leave a comment »Following on from yesterday’s horrid (yet spectacular) crash in Kent on the Sheppey Crossing, the BBC’s now carrying a story saying that various people are wanting warning signs, lighing etc. on the bridge to prevent such an accident again.
The thing is, I don’t see how that’s going to improve things. (other than in the context of Being Seen To Be Doing Something)
The accident(s) happened in thick fog. As such, I would suspect that the actual primary causes of the accident(s) were
- Fog
- Drivers going too fast
- Drivers not using their lights/foglights
- Drivers being dickheads
I get the idea of warning signs on the crossing – again, in that context of Being Seen to be Doing Something – but I can’t see how they’ll improve safety. After all…
- If they’re warning of thick fog, will people be able to see them in – um – the thick fog?
- If they’re giving warnings, won’t they also be distracting the attention of dickhead drivers who don’t seem able to multitask?
If the warning signs just read “Don’t be a fucking moron”, it might help. But even then, it would be helping far less than drivers simply not being fucking morons.
Driving Thoughts
Posted: Thu 5 September, 2013 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Charm School, Commuting, Cynicism, Driving, Fog, People, Thoughts Leave a comment »A small selection of questions and thoughts from the drive in to work this morning…
1) Look, if you’re driving so slowly in a car that trucks are pulling out to overtake you, maybe you should speed the fuck up, or get off the bloody road.
2) It’s foggy. So why are so many people driving
- without any lights at all or
- without their foglights on?
Usually it only takes a tiny piece of mist and they’re all in use, but this, with visibility of fuck-all-squared, there’s loads of people without lights. What the hell?
(And on a side note, bloody hell, I’m glad I’m not involved in this lot in Kent!)
3) Relatedly, why is it that once the fog clears up, you fuck-knuckle bastards leave your sodding foglights on ? They’re there for a reason, remember to turn the cocking things off when they’re no longer necessary
4) Why is it that so-called “professional drivers” (articulated trucks, delivery stuff, coaches etc.) usually end up being the most dangerous ones on the road?
5) If that’s how you drive, Mr Driving Instructor, then I truly fear for the skills of your pupils.
6) If you can’t steer/handle a shopping trolley, it really scares me to know that you’ve arrived here by car, and will be driving home. Jesus.
Foggy
Posted: Fri 8 March, 2013 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Cynicism, Domestic, Driving, Fog, M1, People, Stupidity, Travel Leave a comment »Last night and this morning, my drive from/to work was extremely foggy. This morning was worse, but even last night was pretty entertaining.
What always gets me though is the way people handle foggy conditions when they’re driving – particularly with regard to one of the banes of my life, foglights.
At night, it’s exceptionally rare to need foglights – they’re only for times where visibility is exceptionally low, and you’ve no chance of seeing the vehicle in front of you without the additional lights. The good old Highway Code says
Rule 236 : You MUST NOT use front or rear fog lights unless visibility is seriously reduced (see Rule 226)
Rule 226 : “You MUST use headlights when visibility is seriously reduced, generally when you cannot see for more than 100 metres (328 feet). You may also use front or rear fog lights but you MUST switch them off when visibility improves.”
With lights on at night, it’s exceptionally rare to not be able to see the car 100 metres ahead of you.Yet most of the fuckknuckle cunts are there, belting along with their foglights on.
And yet this morning, when it was actually really bad visibility, most people didn’t put their lights on at all, let alone the foglights.
I truly do not understand people.
Tactical Driving
Posted: Wed 7 March, 2012 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Charm School, Commuting, Driving, MOTB 6 Comments »Over the last few days I’ve been taking part in a fun new game I’ll call “The Tactical Driving Game”. It’s also called “the 505 game”, because it’s currently taking place on the A505.
Basically, find a route with several speed cameras on it. The A505 between Baldock and Royston is good for it, and I’d imagine that the A1 around Elkesley is another gem.
While driving at normal speed, end up with some titbag trying to intimidate you into shifting and letting them past.
Pull in when you get a chance – but particularly at certain spots along the road.
Titbag then goes blasting past, attempting to intimidate/impress with their speed/acceleration/car.
And *flash*, off goes the speed camera.
It’s a joy, I tell you. A joy.
You Park Like a Cunt
Posted: Tue 7 February, 2012 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Driving, Parking 1 Comment »(via @thehacksaw – thanks!)
I know I’ve posted one or two ( *ahem* ) pictures in the past of people parking like titbags, but this site is just brilliant. Sterling work.
Abandoned 2
Posted: Sun 20 September, 2009 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Charm School, Driving, Parking, People, Stupidity 5 Comments »The same Tesco carpark as my previous post about arsewit parking, but this time it’s just *so* much more impressive. In this case, I’ve left the bell-end’s number-plate in view too. Screw it, parking like this needs to be recorded and credited to the correct knob-head.
Of course, it just had to be a BMW driver, didn’t it?
So bad it's hard to believe
Yep, not even just half-over the line – but parked up in a completely hatched off zone right next to the pedestrian crossing.
In this case I can’t deny it, I went in and spoke to the staff about it – the driver got a telling-off from them too. Seems fair to me.
What Car? – Answered
Posted: Sat 20 September, 2008 Filed under: BMW Drivers, Driving Leave a comment »Pretty much everyone guessed the correct answer about which car had made such a complete hash of a motorway junction.
Unshockingly, it was a BMW driver.
Parking a BMW
Posted: Wed 21 May, 2008 Filed under: BMW Drivers, Charm School, Cynicism, Driving, Thoughts 5 Comments »[Note: This is one of those posts I’ve kept on meaning to write, and it’s been lagging in my brain for about a month now]
As regular readers (Assuming there are any, still) of D4D™ will know, I’m really not a great fan of BMW users. OK, let’s be honest, I think that the massive majority (roughly 99.5% of ’em) of BMW owners are total dickheads. Those rare few BMW owners who aren’t complete tosswads? Exceptions to the rule, that’s it. You’ll also note that I tend to not refer to them as “drivers”. (“Arseholes” or “Wankers” is a far more probably piece of terminology)
One of the people in my current office is – you’ve guessed it – a BMW user. Every day – every day he rolls up in the carpark, and plonks his (small) BMW slap-bang over the separating line, so his car takes up two spaces, with half a car’s-width of space either side. It’s completely intentional – I don’t know why he does it, but he does it every day.
Thankfully, the car-park isn’t short of spaces, so this cock’s behaviour doesn’t actually inconvenience people for the most part. But it’s just so indicative of BMW owners, like their cars are something special, and should be treated differently from all others.
And in fairness, I do treat it differently to the other cars. Because I really want to key it, to scratch the shit out of this bell-end’s oh-so-previous paintwork. And I never feel like that about cars. Except for this one.
Amusement
Posted: Fri 10 August, 2007 Filed under: 1BEM, BMW Drivers, Cynicism, Driving, Travel 2 Comments »As I’ve said before, if I drive in to work, I have to go on the pox-ridden bit of single-carriageway road on the A11 between Barton Mills and Thetford. If you’ve ever been to the Center Parcs at Elveden Forest, you’ll know the bit of road to which I refer.
Either side of this section is decent fast dual-carriageway road. But this one section is single-carriageway, and slows everything down.
Now, I admit, I do drive fast. In that way I’m totally a “Type A” personality. Couldn’t deny it if I tried. But I only drive fast when I can. If I can’t, then hey ho, I’ll go with whatever speed everything else is going at. And at that level, I’m far more Type B. Go figure. Mr Paradoxical, and all that jazz.
What this means, though, is that when I get to the poxy bit of road, I’ll go with the flow, which normally (well, normal for 6.30/7am on a weekday) amounts to about 40-50mph. Still not bad, so what the hell. However, this enrages the full-on 100% Type A drivers. Yes, you guessed it, I’m talking about BMW drivers. Why are you not surprised?
Today’s example really amused me, though. Mr BMW 5-series had come tanking up behind me, already doing several dodgy overtaking manoeuvres. He then came out and blasted past me, going round a blind curve on the wrong side of the road. Utter, utter tit. (I know, synonymous with “BMW Driver”)
For once, though, the blind curve didn’t knacker him. It was the next overtaking manoeuvre, while he obviously wasn’t being aware of what he was passing. Blasted past four cars, then tried to slam the brakes on in order to get into a gap before the oncoming truck greased the road with BMW oil.
What everyone else saw, though, was that one of those four cars just overtaken was – yes! – a police car, in full regalia. Hi-vis side bars, lights on the top – you know the drill. And so those lights started flashing, the plod pulled out, caught up with Mr BMW, and pulled him in to the next lay-by.
At which point all the other, rather more Type B drivers who’d just accepted that this bit of road is always shit just cruised on past while Mr BMW was sat up, getting a very solid telling off from Mr Plod.
For some reason, my mood is rather good this morning after that. Maybe there’s a connection?