One of the reasons (I think) for the current phase of my feeling somewhat flattened is relating to me feeling a bit old currently.
That’s not as in “Oh my God, I’m old” and so on, it’s more just some realisations that I’m no longer the age I am in my self-image. Mentally – and many would say emotionally – I’m nowhere near 46. But this year so far I’ve been feeling older – the fun stuff like new aches, just generally feeling rougher than I have previously. It’s all just a bit wearing, no fun at all, and quite demoralising.
Alongside that, over the first three months I put on some weight, which wouldn’t then easily shift in the usual ways I use. Also quite demoralising.
The final bit of the jigsaw was getting an eye test a couple of weeks back. While the prescription hasn’t changed much, it’s changed enough, and we’re looking at my next set of glasses being varifocals. So yeah, I’m feeling a bit old at the moment.
I’m working on it – and that’ll be a follow-up post to this one – but at least I am working on it, and so far that feeling of being flattened is at least lessening as a result.
Yet again, things round here have eased off a bit, I haven’t been updating as regularly as I could/should be doing. In fairness, that’s not just something that’s been happening here, it’s also been breaking through into other aspects of life, and I’m working my way through the whole thing.
I’ve been describing it to myself as being permanently tired, although as per the title, “Flattened” is perhaps a better description. So, probably, is “Depressed, but Functional” They’d all be fair, for sure.
Thing is, I don’t feel depressed. I just feel tired. I still get up, go to work, do all the idiot stuff I do on weekends. But in many ways it feels like I’m doing a lot of it on autopilot – because I’m tired.
It’s meant I haven’t done some stuff, and some new things (or revisited things) just haven’t happened yet, because I’m too tired, too flat to make the effort.
I don’t know quite what to make of it. I’m figuring it out, and I think (hope) I’ve turned a bit of a corner over the weekend, so in some ways it’s a case of waiting to see what develops. I know that in some ways I’ve done more new stuff this week already than I probably did in the previous three months.
I’m not going to force the issue – as I said previously, Q2 of 2018 also involves more downtime, which I’m hoping will free up some mental bandwidth, and allow me to start doing some of the stuff that’s currently sitting in my brain saying “Well? Get on with it”.
That’s how it feels at the moment, anyway. Whether the same will be true tomorrow morning, or next week, next month – only time will tell. We’ll see.
This coming weekend, the end of March, is the first weekend this year that I’ve had free.
Until Friday, it wasn’t free, but plans changed – which is fine. It had been a chain change – yesterday became free because of another change, which meant I could bring the planned day-trip for next Sunday back to this one, and it all worked out pretty well.
It meant that yesterday was daftly busy, with a day-trip down to see friends in North Somerset, with an early start leaving by 6.30am – just what you need on the day that the clocks also went forwards an hour – to get down there, and getting home at 23.30 in the evening. A Looooooong day, but a good one. I’d already spent the Saturday in London, doing a fair amount of walking, and seeing Macbeth at the National Theatre (having already seen the RSC’s version of Macbeth last Saturday!)
Anyway, that all means that, at the end of the first quarter of the year, I actually have two weekends on the trot where I have nothing booked in or organised. Which is pretty weird, and is already making me somewhat twitchy.
I’ll still be doing things, and I’ve got some plans in place for both weekends – but they’re all more random and disorganised, it’s nothing scheduled or appointments.
And to be honest, that’s just fine with me.
How time flies when you’re having fun…
Only eleven more ’til the next one.
So we’re only three weeks into 2018, and already I’ve lost a week’s posts. Just didn’t do them – started stuff, but life and other stuff got in the way, so I’ve started the year by being crap. (Not that that’s anything unusual, but there we go) Sure, I could cheat and backdate some things, but that’s not really the way to go. I could, but I won’t.
It’s sort-of annoying, but at the same time it’s a result of being a) stupidly busy and b) that overall sense of Grey. Thankfully,the tail-end of last week involved some brighter days where blue sky was visible along with direct sunlight, and that’s helped a lot.
This year I don’t know that I’ll always keep to the posting routine – but I’ll do my best.
Anyway, here we go for the rest of the year, and let’s see how I do…
January is a funny old month in some ways – and particularly so when I look at how it affects my SAD and so on.
As usual, this January has been grey. Different degrees of grey admittedly, including some brighter/lighter grey days, and a fair bundle of darker ones.
Grey days are the ones that affect me the most, regardless of the degree. I find that a grey week with no sight of the sun really affects me – I still get out for fresh air and some daylight, but a few days without direct sunlight and it leaves me feeling far flatter and more tired than usual.
As it is, I’ve found more and more that I can deal with shorter days (although obviously I notice them, and they affect me) so long as they’re bright, and have sight of sunlight. The days now are getting longer – almost imperceptibly, but they are. But with this weeks lack of sun, it’s actually been a far tougher week to get through.
Hopefully the coming week will have more chances for some decent daylight.
So here we are, another year down, and welcome to 2018.
As always, there’s going to be more rubbish here over the coming weeks and months. I’ve got a bundle of thoughts and ideas, and we’ll just see how things go.
Happy New Year, and all that cliched rot.