Slump

Posted: Wed 12 March, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Change, Depression, Domestic, Sleep - or lack thereof, Work-related | Leave a comment »

Every so often, I hit a slump – usually through being overly tired, bored, or just feeling a little bit adrift. Sometimes it’s a combination of all three.

That’s where I am at the moment. There’s a lot going on, and there’s been a lot going on. But right now it’s all a bit Meh, a bit flat.

Tiredness is, I know, the primary trigger on all this. For some reason I’m finding it really hard for my bodyclock to fit the new/current schedule, and I don’t really know why. I’ve had to get up earlier than this for work before, and travelled further. But right now it’s still hitting me like a hammer, and this week has been particularly bad so far. (That’s somewhat related to the chaotic and busy weekend, but it’s not that related – and again, I’ve had far worse/madder ones that haven’t hit me in the same way)

In some ways it almost feels like a throwback to the periods of depression, but I don’t think it actually is depression at the moment. It’s just tired, and a feeling of ‘What’s next?’ that seems to be dragging me down a bit.

I’ll get over it, I’m sure. It’s just that right now it’s what’s happening, and it means things may or may not get updated here. We’ll see.

Shortest

Posted: Sat 21 December, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, SAD, Time, Weather | 2 Comments »

Today, December 21st, is this year’s Winter Equinox – the shortest day of the year.  And about damn time too.

Today, the sun will be around for 7h 44m 14s , even if it doesn’t feel like it’s that long. Tomorrow’s only one second longer, but by the end of the year the sun will be setting after 4pm, and the day will already be five minutes longer, at 7h 49m 32s. It’s not much, but it’s an improvement.

In six months time, the day will be 16h 44m 24s, a full nine hours longer. I know that’s nothing in comparison to  Tromsø (for example) where December is truly dark and June is completely lit.

All the same, knowing that today is the shortest day is a reason for celebration, and keck-all to do with the oncoming Festering Season.

Death of a Bankrupt

Posted: Fri 15 November, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: 42-43, Bankruptcy, Depression, Domestic, Finances, News, Project 42, Thoughts | Leave a comment »

Since declaring myself bankrupt in August 2013, I’ve noticed it a lot more in the news. That’s not to say it’s in the news more (or even less) often, merely that I notice it, having been through that process.

So I found the story yesterday about the suicide of Paul Bhattacharjee to be very sad.  From the evidence, it looks like he had been declared bankrupt, and killed himself as a result.

Of course, that wasn’t the entire cause – his widow said he was a “proud” man who had a “darkness inside him that was irreparable”.

‘The bankruptcy was the final straw after a life of major highs and lows’

From a personal side, I can absolutely understand the perceived ‘shame’ of bankruptcy – and probably more so when someone else has declared you bankrupt rather than it being a decision made by yourself. It’s had a stigma for a very long time – and again, it’s an understandable stigma. It’s about saying ‘I can’t afford to pay my debts’, and should never be treated lightly.

However, from my own experience, I don’t think it is The End. In many ways it’s a new start, as I’ve said before. There is a shame, a pain to go with the process – and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone without knowing their entire situation, or as anything except a last resort. It is emphatically not a quick fix, or a “get out of jail free” card.

But shameful? In these days of debt, loans, finance and borrowing? I don’t know that it’s as bad as it was even fifty years ago. It’s more commonplace certainly – although at the moment it appears that personal insolvencies and bankruptcies are falling (and have been since 2009)

personal_insolvencies_since_2003

(That graph comes from the Insolvency service, and is copyrighted to them)

I completely understand why someone would feel the stigma and shame of being declared bankrupt and feel the need to kill themselves as a result – and probably even more so when that person also already has a history and core of depression – but in many cases it is not The End. It is  the end of the stress, the pain of being chased from pillar to post by creditors, the hassles of interest, mounting charges, and juggling finances, knowing that it’ll only take one tiny change or event to push you off the edge of the cliff.

It’s not an easy process – I know I’ve no intention of ever going through it again, and (as I’ve said already) I wouldn’t recommend it to people except as a final option. It is the death of many things, of the life you know, and sometimes of the things you have. It’s a loss, and as such perhaps is a thing to grieve, to regret, to learn from.

But what it also is, though, is a relief. A new start. An ability to rebuild your life from a stable foundation, to build everything back in a better, more stable – and a debt-free – manner. It’s a struggle, but it’s also a new life, if you allow it to be.

Getting Darker

Posted: Thu 31 October, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Change, Commuting, Depression, Domestic, Driving, Time, Work-related | Leave a comment »

Last weekend, we switched back from BST to GMT, which is just another major clue that winter is just about here. (If you’ve missed the storms/gales, fireworks, X-Factor, Strictly, autumn leaves, shorter days etc.)

Thankfully, the gaining of an hour doesn’t usually affect me too much – the loss of one in spring usually hits me a bit harder, but still not all that much.

However, it appears to have somewhat confused the cats, who really don’t know what to make of it all. Food times have been disrupted, as well as everything else.

What does affect me the most, though, is the fact that I’m now leaving work and driving home in the dark. I don’t mind night-time driving, but still I find the darkness affects me just because it reduces the amount of available sunlight I get during the day.  Indeed, the next time I’ll be even close to driving home in daylight is at the end of February.

As with previous years, I always found that the thing that affected me the most with getting home in the dark was getting back to an unlit house. Particularly when I was in Manchester, that return to a dark and empty house was very unpleasant, and since then I’ve always made a point of having at least one light on a timeswitch, so it’s on when I get home.  It’s a ridiculous thing, but it makes such a massive difference in my head – very strange.

Self Doubt

Posted: Fri 25 October, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Introspective, Self-Doubt, Thoughts | 2 Comments »

Over the last two years or so, one thing I’ve noticed more and more is that I doubt myself far more than I ever used to.

Ten years ago, back when I was living in Manchester, I’d make a decision and stick with it – and sometimes those decisions wouldn’t work out, or they’d be based on flawed assumptions (god knows I made a fair few of those over the years) But most of the time they worked out, things grew from there, and I didn’t regret any of it. Again, sometimes mistakes were made – but they were based on what felt to be the best thing at the time. I did some truly idiot shit along the way – the ill-fated six month period of daily commuting round-trips by train between either Manchester and London, or Bath and London would probably be the lowest point in that particular theme. But I still did it – I’d made the decision to do so, and continue to do so, I reaped what I’d sowed and decided upon, and that was fine. (I pretty much had a breakdown at the end of it, but well, them’s the breaks)

Over the last decade though, that self-confidence (or at least confidence in one’s decisions) has been rocked a few times, and in some cases to the point of pretty much capsizing the entire damn thing. (I know, I’m kind of mixing metaphors. Live with it)  And it’s had a lasting effect, which I’m not entirely pleased about. I’m still working on it, aiming to build back up on that, along with everything else.

I’m still OK on a lot of things – if I’ve said I’ll meet someone anywhere, I’ll do it. If it involves others, those decisions are solid, and it doesn’t matter what happens, I’ll do my damnedest to be where I said, when I said.

The real crux though is when it’s something involving just me. It doesn’t have to be travel, or an event, it can be anything really. (The Peter Gabriel gig this week being a case in point) Because it’s only me doing it, my brain can descend into a spiral of second-guessing itself, a whole range of “Do I want to go?” internal questions, a bundle of “What If”s, “Yeah But”s, and “Well…”s.  I hate it, it annoys me so much. I’ve decided to do something, I want to just go on and do it. It’s the run-up, the cue time, the delays that bring about the doubts. [NOTE : When I talk about internal conversations, I’m not meaning ‘voices in my head’ as such, or any other inclement sign of madness]

I don’t know what’ll fix it – or even if anything will.  I’m working on rebuilding it, on knowing that when I’ve decided to do something, it’s the right thing to do – even if it turns out, with hindsight, to have been fucking stupid.  But sometimes at the moment it’s easier to give in to the self-doubt, to let it win, to take the easier and quieter route – which is, for me, most definitely the road less travelled.

Sometimes I think I’ve fought for so long, battled everything about myself and my life for so long, maybe I’m just tired of fighting for a while.

[NOTE – having read that last bit back, and realised alternative interpretations, this does not mean I’m giving in/up, or aiming to do anything stupid.]

30 Things

Posted: Mon 20 August, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Bankruptcy, Change, Depression, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Getting Organised, Introspective, People, Thoughts | 4 Comments »

via Blue Witch , I came across Black Dog Tribe‘s “30 things to stop doing to yourself“.  It’s a great list – I think probably most people don’t do all of them, but most do some of them, at least.

I’ve copied it here for posterity, and so I can come back to it when I want/need to. It’s particularly relevant for me at the moment, with all the other stuff that’s going on, so I hope it helps others too.

  1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.
  2. Stop running from your problems. – Face them head on. No, it won’t be easy. There is no person in the world capable of flawlessly handling every punch thrown at them. We aren’t supposed to be able to instantly solve problems. That’s not how we’re made. In fact, we’re made to get upset, sad, hurt, stumble and fall. Because that’s the whole purpose of living — to face problems, learn, adapt, and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately molds us into the person we become.
  3. Stop lying to yourself. – You can lie to anyone else in the world, but you can’t lie to yourself. Our lives improve only when we take chances, and the first and most difficult chance we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
  4. Stop putting your own needs on the back burner. – The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too. Yes, help others; but help yourself too. If there was ever a moment to follow your passion and do something that matters to you, that moment is now.
  5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you likeeveryone else. Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you. Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.
  6. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
  7. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing. Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success. You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
  8. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us. We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.
  9. Stop trying to buy happiness. – Many of the things we desire are expensive. But the truth is, the things that really satisfy us are totally free – love, laughter and working on our passions.
  10. Stop exclusively looking to others for happiness. – If you’re not happy with who you are on the inside, you won’t be happy in a long-term relationship with anyone else either. You have to create stability in your own life first before you can share it with someone else.
  11. Stop being idle. – Don’t think too much or you’ll create a problem that wasn’t even there in the first place. Evaluate situations and take decisive action. You cannot change what you refuse to confront. Making progress involves risk. Period! You can’t make it to second base with your foot on first.
  12. Stop thinking you’re not ready. – Nobody ever feels 100% ready when an opportunity arises. Because most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won’t feel totally comfortable at first.
  13. Stop getting involved in relationships for the wrong reasons. – Relationships must be chosen wisely. It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company. There’s no need to rush. If something is meant to be, it will happen — in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely.
  14. Stop rejecting new relationships just because old ones didn’t work. – In life you’ll realize that there is a purpose for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you and some will teach you. But most importantly, some will bring out the best in you.
  15. Stop trying to compete against everyone else. – Don’t worry about what others are doing better than you. Concentrate on beating your own records every day. Success is a battle between YOU and YOURSELF only.
  16. Stop being jealous of others. – Jealousy is the art of counting someone else’s blessings instead of your own. Ask yourself this: ‘What’s something I have that everyone wants?’
  17. Stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself. – Life’s curveballs are thrown for a reason – to shift your path in a direction that is meant for you. You may not see or understand everything the moment it happens, and it may be tough. But reflect back on those negative curveballs thrown at you in the past. You’ll often see that eventually they led you to a better place, person, state of mind, or situation. So smile! Let everyone know that today you are a lot stronger than you were yesterday, and you will be.
  18. Stop holding grudges. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, ‘What you did to me is okay’. It is saying, ‘I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.’ Forgiveness is the answer- let go, find peace, liberate yourself! And remember, forgiveness is not just for other people, it’s for you too. If you must, forgive yourself, move on and try to do better next time.
  19. Stop letting others bring you down to their level. – Refuse to lower your standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.
  20. Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. – Your friends don’t need it and your enemies won’t believe it anyway. Just do what you know in your heart is right.
  21. Stop doing the same things over and over without taking a break. – The time to take a deep breath is when you don’t have time for it. If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what you’re getting. Sometimes you need to distance yourself to see things clearly.
  22. Stop overlooking the beauty of small moments. – Enjoy the little things, because one day you may look back and discover they were the big things. The best portion of your life will be the small, nameless moments you spend smiling with someone who matters to you.
  23. Stop trying to make things perfect. – The real world doesn’t reward perfectionists, it rewards people who get things done.
  24. Stop following the path of least resistance. – Life is not easy, especially when you plan on achieving something worthwhile. Don’t take the easy way out. Do something extraordinary.
  25. Stop acting like everything is fine if it isn’t. – It’s okay to fall apart for a little while. You don’t always have to pretend to be strong, and there is no need to constantly prove that everything is going well. You shouldn’t be concerned with what other people are thinking either — cry if you need to — it’s healthy to shed your tears. The sooner you do, the sooner you will be able to smile again.
  26. Stop blaming others for your troubles. – The extent to which you can achieve your dreams depends on the extent to which you take responsibility for your life. When you blame others for what you’re going through, you deny responsibility — you give others power over that part of your life.
  27. Stop trying to be everything to everyone. – Doing so is impossible, and trying will only burn you out. But making one person smile CAN change the world. Maybe not the whole world, but their world. So narrow your focus.
  28. Stop worrying so much. – Worry will not strip tomorrow of its burdens, it will strip today of its joy. One way to check if something is worth mulling over is to ask yourself this question: ‘Will this matter in one year’s time? Three years? Five years?’ If not, then it’s not worth worrying about.
  29. Stop focusing on what you don’t want to happen. – Focus on what you do want to happen. Positive thinking is at the forefront of every great success story. If you awake every morning with the thought that something wonderful will happen in your life today, and you pay close attention, you’ll often find that you’re right.
  30. Stop being ungrateful. – No matter how good or bad you have it, wake up each day thankful for your life. Someone somewhere else is desperately fighting for theirs. Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.

Enjoy.

Weekender

Posted: Mon 23 July, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Depression, Domestic | Leave a comment »

A quietish weekend, in the end – which seems to be par for the course at the moment. Not that I’m complaining.  Work is leaving me with an absolute headfull of stuff by the end of the week, so decompression time is becoming a valuable commodity.

Friday night, I came home post-work (and having had a drink with some colleagues afterwards) with a blinding headache that left me sitting in a darkened room, not even really bothering with TV. I won’t say it was a migraine, because it wasn’t, but it drained me the same way they used to.

Saturday was more domestic, getting stuff done. I could/ should do it during the week, but sometimes, well, I don’t. This weekend was one where I hadn’t.

Saturday afternoon/evening was a bit down. Some of it was lingering bleh from the headache the night before, some of it was just an all-over bleh. I could’ve gone out, but didn’t really want to. I felt flat, tired, and generally just a bit shit.  One of those things, but all the same, not a great deal of fun.

Sunday was much better. A sunny day, which always helps, so I went out, walked a fair section round one of the local lakes, and went to see the new Batman film in the evening.

All good…

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