April 1st

And so, another International Day of Japery and Shit Tricks/Jokes/Pranks.

Happy Happy Joy Joy.

 

Normal programming will be resumed tomorrow.


Knackers

ScroogeAmong the things that have amused me today, the image on this BBC story about German Christmas Markets made me chuckle.

After all, how many times do you get to see the word “Knacker” on the BBC? And particularly in connection to the whole Festering Season…

Knackers to German Christmas Markets

Knackers to German Christmas Markets

It probably says a lot about my mindset that it was the word ‘Knacker’ that I noticed first out of the entire thing…


PetStore Humour

This week I needed to sort out one of the regular bulk purchases of cat litter and cat food sachets, so it was time for a trip to the local Pets at Home. (I’m sure there’s places that’re slightly cheaper, but Pets at Home is fine for my purposes)

Once I’d got the necessary items – plus a new scratching post – I stopped to have a look at the rabbits and hamsters – no particular reason, just had a look before getting to the till.

One of the store assistants came up, and asked “Are you looking for anything special”. And oh dear, my mouth went into action before my brain.

No, not really. I’m just seeing if anything appeals as a Christmas Meal treat for my cats

The look of utter disgust on her face should leave me ashamed, but actually it was just funny as chuff.


Christmas Parks

ScroogeI don’t know when/why it started, but it now seems that part of the media’s Christmas tradition is to have a report/story about a  “Christmas Park” that opens in November and closes down after one day because of its general shitness, and the resultant litany of customer complaints.

This year, the ‘honour’ has apparently gone to ‘The Magical Journey‘, which was designed/proposed by arch-tossrag Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen

But really, what does anyone expect? These arseholic fucktrumpets are paying up to £20 a head to go and ‘see Santa’ – in November, in unseasonably warm/mild weather – and then get upset that it’s muddy, that they’ve got to queue for ages to see sodding Santa, and that really it’s all – gasp! – a bit shit.

Rather than talking to Trading Standards, I’d suggest probably getting mental health professionals involved, and getting every single one of those paying customers to take a good long hard look at themselves. For fuck’s sake.


Getting Out

This current role was a very bad decision – not just the workplace, but some of the people. Indeed, one of those who interviewed me has since spoken to one of my friends at a techie social event – after I’d left – about my progress and how I’m doing, and whether I’ll leave. In front of other colleagues from the same workplace.

He hasn’t spoken to me about these concerns at all.

I get that he was probably somewhat the worse for wear. There’s usually an excuse somewhere along the line. It doesn’t stop it from having been a totally cuntish thing to do, and it doesn’t stop me from wanting to punch him in the throat.

It’s a good sign that this particular workplace is about as toxic a place as it’s possible to be. They bleat on about being passionate about what you do, and about behaving with integrity, but they don’t do it themselves.

So it’s time to move on. Again.

I’m annoyed with myself, that my quality control has been so flawed. I had my reservations, and this current workplace has lived down to them. That wasn’t a foregone conclusion though – I tried to come in with an open mind, that the interview and paperwork process might’ve been an exception rather than the accepted route. Being stabbed in the back by a colleague is a pretty new experience for me, and not one I intend to repeat any time soon.

Thankfully it’s only been three weeks. This workplace will never show up on my CV, it’ll never be called for a reference. And that’s good, because I don’t want to be associated with this bunch of cunts in any way at all.

Onwards and upwards, my friends. Onwards and upwards.


People Carriers

As has been noted before on here, I do a fair amount of driving on any given week, mainly for commuting. It’s about 400-500 miles per week at the moment – although I’ve had greater mileages, and lesser ones.

One of the things I notice during those drives is how drivers do seem to group up, and that certain groups are infinitely worse than others. There’s always the usual culprits – BMWs, Audis, and White Vans, but there’s another one I notice more over time. MPVs, or people carriers.

I don’t know if it’s because BMW et al don’t actually do people carrier vehicles, but it does seem that MPV drivers are on a par with BMW drivers. In particular it seems that Citroen Xsara Picasso (now renamed the C4 Picasso, I think) are a breed of shit drivers. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve seen these vacuous bell-ends approach roundabouts in the wrong lanes, cut across lines of traffic, cruise across busy roundabouts, stick their cars into the flow of traffic, weave across multiple carriageways, and generally act like cunts.

So yes, welcome to the ‘shit drivers’ group.

  • BMWs and Audis
  • White Van drivers
  • MPVs – and Picasso drivers in particular.

Pheasant Terrorism

Some days I pretty much despair of the human race.  (OK, OK, most days. Nearly every day.)

Yesterday’s example was caused by this story in the BBC about a pheasant ‘terrorising’ people at a farm in Cambridgeshire.

From the story…

A delivery driver was trapped for 20 minutes after the bird blocked his way, flew at the bonnet then chased his van.

“One young girl was having her first driving lesson on our land and could not move the car because the pheasant would not leave it alone.”

“I don’t think we’ll see our delivery driver for a while either,” Mrs Hamilton added.

I’m sorry, but if you’re in a vehicle, and being ‘terrorised’ by a pheasant then

  1. You’re a pathetic wanker of the first order
  2. YOU’RE IN A CAR. Run over the sodding thing. Job done.