Current State

Posted: Sun 24 June, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Thoughts | Leave a comment »

One question that came up this week, following on from a couple of posts here, was “Am I depressed?” (Well, technically “Are you depressed?”, but that makes less sense when written here)

It made me think a bit, but really the honest answer is “No, no more than usual”. I’m nowhere near as bad as I have been, that’s for sure – I don’t feel the need for going back on anti-depressants or anything. (Probably a good thing, as I’ve not moved GP yet – must make a note to do that this week)

I’m pretty functional – but then, I always have been, even on my worst days – although motivation is still pretty dog-shit.

What I am though, rather than depressed, is just so, so tired.

I’ll figure things out, I know. But I hope to find some energy first in order to get them figured out.

What’s Next ?

Posted: Thu 21 June, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Getting Organised, Resolutions, Sociable, Thoughts, Time, Work-related | 3 Comments »

Looking back over the archives, it’s now five years (nearly 5 years 1 month, in fact) since I moved (with Herself) into the first house I’d owned, or been involved in owning. (And still the only house, actually) Which means that it’s eight years since I got together with Herself – and it’s also seven and a half years since I left Manchester, but that’s less relevant to this post.

Now, five years on, I’m back to being on my own, back in a rented place.  It wasn’t entirely my choice, more a conclusion to plenty of events in the run-up, but it’s where things are, and I’m going to try and make the best of it.

The thing is, I don’t really feel like I’ve made any progress in those eight years. Sure, there’ve been lots of changes, and lots of stuff has happened, but when all’s said and done, have I progressed? No – indeed I’d say I’m in a worse situation than I was back then.

Back in 2004, I was working – admittedly at a job I didn’t much like – and doing OK. My finances were up-and-down, more so than they should’ve been, but I really only had debts of £1,000 at any one time – my bank overdraft, and that was it. The house was rented, and was OK. I didn’t drive (ah, OK, that’s progress) – but I didn’t need to, with a decent transport system at my door. Sure, longer travel was more of a pain, but I was used to that.

Now, I’m working – at a job I like, but don’t want to do Forever – and my finances are shit. I owe a significant amount of money, and know it’s going to take a long time to sort that out. That debt has been my own choice, to a degree, but I’m not happy about it, and I want to get rid of it. It’s just that sometimes that looks like a bit of an insurmountable task.  The house is rented, and is OK. I do drive, and have a car, so yeah, that’s progress.

I don’t have any assets, realisable or not, and I don’t really have anything of merit going for me right now.

The job? It’s OK – even good – but it’s not really what I want to do any more. Except I don’t know what I do want to do, either.

And with everything else going on, I most certainly don’t feel like I’ve anything to offer anyone else. I don’t want anyone else either, so it’s not all bad, but it’s the feeling that’s just a bit grim right now. All I’m going to focus on for the foreseeable is getting myself sorted out, figuring out what I want to do/be, finding what (if anything) makes me happy, and all that jazz. It’s not reinvention time, but it is – I think – rediscovery time.

What’s going to come next? I honestly don’t know. This is either a new beginning that leads to something interesting, or it’s the beginning of the end. Who knows which way it’ll go? Not me, that’s for sure.

[Note : I’m just having a down day. Not great, not by a long chalk. But I’ll get through it, one way or t’other]

Hidden Messages

Posted: Thu 1 March, 2012 | Author: | Filed under: 1BEM, Cynicism, Depression, Domestic, People, Thoughts | Leave a comment »

Recently I’ve noticed a similar ‘message’ in at least two songs on Radio 1‘s current playlist. I know, I’m way outside the target demographic for R1, and blah blah, but I just can’t bring myself to switch to either Radio 2, or some godawful commercial hunk of crap.

Anyway.

First is Lana Del Rey’s “Video Games”…

They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you

Second is Nervo’s “We’re all no-one”

We’re all no one ’til someone thinks that we’re someone
‘Til then we’re no one

Notice the similarity?

In both cases, supposedly there’s nothing good in the world, unless we’re with someone else.

And that really pisses me off.

Coming Off

Posted: Wed 18 May, 2011 | Author: | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Health, Thoughts | 7 Comments »

Last week, I made the decision to stop taking the Citalopram.  It hasn’t done much for me in the year I’ve been taking it – other events have had far more effect on depression, motivation etc. than the anti-depressants have.  I’ve also found that they have a nasty levelling side-effect, making me not care more than when I wasn’t taking them. (By that I mean that everything was just same-same in my head, there were no real highs – or, admittedly, lows – and it all became a bit blah, nothing provoking any form of reaction)

Additonally, the anti-depressants just didn’t seem to really work for me. There were still Bad Days on them, but there weren’t really any Good Days- things more levelled out to Just OK Days. (or Blah Days)   My motivation didn’t shoot up – indeed most of the time it seemed to be harder to be motivated, because well, what was the point? I wasn’t Depressed, but more Couldn’t Be Bothered.

So, I’ve come off completely them.  It’s not the method advised by GPs, but I don’t have the time, tolerance or inclination to do a “gradual withdrawal”. If the withdrawal side-effects were to become really bad (not that I expect them to) then I have a new box ready to be started. But I doubt it’ll be that bad.

Weirdly, the worst time (so far) for being off them seems to be early evening, when my head begins to feel a bit wooly, a bit floaty, not really all that level. It’s not debilitating or unpleasant – just a weird sensation.

I don’t miss the Citalopram.

I don’t know what’s next. I’m going to go back to wanting to do things, and then to trying to find ways to motivate myself to do them. So far that seems to be OK. I’m not perfect – thankfully I’ve never claimed to be – and I do have issues with motivation, or at least Getting Things Done.

I’ll still work on the motivation and so on – I’ve still got the ideas and plans, but need to bring them out into the world – but I don’t think it’s actually necessarily related to depression.

And when all’s said and done, I’d rather have the ups and downs of life, depression and whatever else, instead of the flat day-to-day numbness of Citalopram.

The 2010/11 List

Posted: Tue 9 November, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: 2010/11, Depression, Domestic, Five Year Plan (now Ten), Thoughts | 1 Comment »

In my “What’s Next?” list, I said that one of my targets would be to get off the anti-depressants, and a commenter said that should be first thing on the list.

In some ways I agree, although it’s not strictly realistic. I saw my GP last week, and discussed my dislike (OK, utter loathing) of taking these pills. But at the same time even I have to acknowledge that they’ve done me some good.

Anyway, the GP recommends staying on them for another 3-4 months, which is what I’ll do. It takes me over the hump of the Festering Season, and into 2011. After that, well, see how it goes.

That seems like the best plan for now, anyway.

Progress – What’s Next? 2010/11

Posted: Sat 6 November, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: 2010/11, Change, Depression, Domestic, Getting Old(er), Introspective, Own Business, Photography, Thoughts, Work-related, Writing | 2 Comments »

So, following on from how (badly) I’ve done in 2009/10, what’re the plans for 2010/11 ?

Honestly, I don’t really know.  I guess the main points can be brought down to :

  • Write more
  • Take more photos
  • Do more websites
  • Get more business
  • Pay stuff off
  • Get off the antidepressants

Other than that, more of my activity will be down to altering life, seeing friends, travelling, doing other odds and sods along the way.

I don’t know what the run-up to 40 will bring, but right now the thing that I do want to do is not stress about it over the next year.

We’ll see.

Breaking Point

Posted: Sun 24 October, 2010 | Author: | Filed under: Depression, Domestic, Introspective, Norfolk, People, Thoughts | 14 Comments »

Roughly this time last month, life came to a bit of a crunch point.  I haven’t written much about it so far – and won’t write much more about it after this – but a number of things bubbled up at the same time, and I feel it’s worth adding in some thoughts with a bit of hindsight etc.  I’m not going to be going into the whys and wherefores of any of it.

Basically, I had a bit of a breakdown. Going home on the Thursday night plunged me into a huge dollop of depression, which isn’t exactly great at the best of times. I thought I could get over it, that it was a “bad day” thing, but the next day was actually worse, to the extent that I simply couldn’t face going home for the weekend. It was a real physical reaction, that I just couldn’t do it. So instead I went away for the weekend- went back to the house, sorted things there, got some clothes, and left again. I didn’t even wait for Herself to come home- I sent her a text message to let her know what I was doing.

I’m not proud of myself for that, not even slightly. It was completely unfair, unreasonable, and downright shitty. There are no excuses, no glossing over it – it was an utterly unutterably crappy thing to do to anyone, let alone a partner of five years, a friend of twenty years.

What it was, though, was a way to survive. If I’d stayed there for the weekend, I don’t honestly know what would’ve happened, or where I’d have ended up. Some people have called what I did cowardly – and fair enough, maybe it was. I can’t say I was honestly in my right mind. But at that point, where you physically and mentally can’t face going back somewhere, I don’t think “being in one’s right mind” is ever going to happen.

Again, I’m not proud of what I did. It had to happen, but I should’ve/could’ve done it one hell of a lot better.

So a lot’s changed since then, and I’m working on all the necessary changes. I don’t know how they’ll work out, I don’t know how any of it will work out. But I’m not going to put myself in that situation again if I can possibly help it.

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